Seven guys and seven gals. 

Let's talk about the men first because we all know it's the cute bachelors that keep Bunny coming back.  Not that there are any this year.  By the looks of their photos, there's not even a Hardy Light.  Of course, pictures can be deceiving.  By the looks of mine, you would think I was happy.

Contestant No. 1 is Dick.  Make that Evil Dick. Yeah, that's what he calls himself.  My guess is he's just a plain old Dick but time will tell.  Here's the photo BB took of him:

And here's the photo Dick took of himself, which he uses to introduce his evil self on MySpace:

And this was before "Pirates of Caribbean" came out.

I have to assume, therefore, that he lives on a boat where he keeps company with muskets, moonshine, and Smee.  What do you bet he has a tattoo parlor on retainer and keeps a poster of Tommy Lee, NOT Pamela Anderson, over his bed?  You KNOW there's a game of "Let's Count the Piercings" coming on, DON'T you?

Next is Mike, a male model. Watch out, Evil Matey Dick - here's your high-seas competition. And by the looks of his, um, treasure chest - unless he brought in a parrot that sings "Les Miz" showtunes, he could be the guy to shiver me timbers. 

What am I talking about? He's paddling a boat in his DRIVEWAY!

As far as Mike's modeling career goes, I remember seeing him in a catalog once:

Look closely and you'll see why I've always advocated for Man Bras.

Bachelor No. 3, a long-time fan of BB5's "Cowboy," was recruited by Casting at the airport when they spotted him waiting for his cow to deboard.

His name is Dustin and he's a Fashion major in college.  Write that down.  FASHION major.

Unfortunately, he blew his monthly clothing budget on a rodeo scarf from Hermes, leaving no room in the budget for a shirt with sleeves. Or a bouquet for Elsa.

Here's his BB photo:

Yum yum.  Elsa's one lucky heifer.

Moving on to our next male resident, let's take a gander at Nick:

Okay, let's not.

Just kidding. How can you go wrong with a guy who tattoos a giant-sized grandfather clock on his arm?  Ladies, get ready.  He'll always have the time for YOU! 

By the way, is it just me - or do you also see the ghost of George Washington when you look at his abs in the right light?

Here's his BB photo.  Much better, I guess, except for the fact that he's wearing horizontal stripes.  That's a clear indication that he's trying to make his muscles appear larger than they really are.

No. 5 is Joe, who is a tall, tall, tall man.  The extreme height doesn't bother me, but it could be a problem if he decides to try and hide under the bed (Hi, Ivette!) or behind a chair on the patio to smoke (Whaddup, Danielle?) or in a big green pot (Yo, Alison, Empress of the Pot People!) like contestants of the past. 

And he can certainly give up any notion of fitting into Howie's Jack Shack, which isn't a bad thing since it will force him to have sex with himself out in the open.  Since he announced on TV that he's "a gay man with two thumbs," I want to see how that works.

Our next BB bachelor is Eric.  He's 27 years old, drinks apple juice, loves to play video games, and enjoys digging into a Happy Meal of chicken nuggets with sweet and sour sauce while watching his favorite movie "Pee Wee's Big Adventure."  'Nuff said.

Last but not least, we have Zach, a graphic designer.  He almost missed his flight to L.A. when he got stopped at security for trying to carry on more than an ounce of hair gel.  Way more than an ounce.

He loves carrot juice (high five!) and Johnny Depp (high five with the other hand!) and his favorite movie is "King Kong," which may or may not be the gay version.

Now let's meet the ladies.  I like to call them ladies before we actually see them in the house, because after that, the word never seems to come up.

First we have Amber.  She's a divorced cocktail waitress from Vegas.  Each night after she prances around in spike heels and a mini-skirt serving free Screwdrivers to horny gamblers, she retires to her bedroom to unwind with a stiff milkshake, a box of Chips Ahoy, and her favorite movie "Charlotte's Web." Awwwww.....

If I were a betting hare, I'd lay odds that this is just the girl to make a man out of "Apple Juice" Eric. 

What's BB without a pretty blonde?  This year it's Daniele.  She's the estranged daughter of Evil Dick.  (Or should I say the daughter of the strange Evil Dick?)  Anyway, they haven't spoken for years because he's been off perfecting his eyeliner on the high seas and she's been busy trying to keep her top up.

Daniele likes to quote song lyrics to get her feelings across.  Here's what she posted recently on a website:

is there anything
worth looking for
worth loving for
worth lying for
is there anything
worth waiting for
worth living for
worth dying for

That is just so beautiful, Daniele.  I can't help but be inspired to convey my feelings through song as well:

is there anything worth watching here                                                                         worth looking at                                                                                                    worth paying for both Live Feeds AND Showtime Too not to mention the cost of upkeep for this website

is there anything worth watching Howie on "House Calls"

Now for Carol.  Her favorite hobby is dancing.  Her favorite attire is a dance leotard.  Her favorite TV show is "So You Think You Can Dance."  As much as I love dancing - and you know I do - will she stop the hoofing long enough to strategize?  Does she ever watch "So You Dance, Can You Think?"

This is Jessica.  See above for her favorite hobby.  Except add tanning.  And in a few years, melanoma.

Our next contestant is Jameka.  She's a school counselor.  It's her job to keep the boys from quitting school.  It's rumored that her campaign to change faculty uniforms from blazers to "Buy U a Drank?" resulted in an all-time low in the dropout rate.  You go, girl!

In spite of her success in the field of Education, however, the pay's still lousy.  Jameka's hoping that by joining the cast of BB, she'll be able to at least afford a mantle before next Christmas.

Conservative real estate agent Kail is also in the house.  She owns a country store and a down-home-cookin' restaurant in a small town in Oregon.  Her favorite singer is Cher.  I hate to be the one to tell her, but after this show, the song "If I Could Turn Back Time" will have a whole new meaning.

Her motto at work is "Sail With Kail."  Which certainly beats mine in high school:  "Tail for Ale."

Last and most certainly least is Jen.  I say that because she's an actress slash model slash "My closet is full of pageant gowns."  I shouldn't judge a book by her boob cover, especially since it was pointed out to me that she was a contestant on "Wheel of Fortune."  I think she finally got the puzzle "WHO'S A B-_-M-B-O?" after she asked for an "i," but she got it nonetheless.

Besides that, she's athletic. 

And by the looks of her appearance in the DVD "Girls on Bulls," she has a healthy sense of playful fun.

So there you have it, BB fans.  Our 14 contestants for the season.  One of them is a spy called "America's Player" whose every game move will be manipulated by audience votes.  As opposed to the other 13 whose moves are manipulated by the producers.  Just kidding.  That NEVER happens in reality TV!

Hugs,

Want to have your own girl-on-girl bullriding session before the season starts?  Maybe you can find just the right background music here at AMAZON.COM.  

More info on BB8 available at  SirLinksalot: Big Brother 8