Bunny's Most Important Highlight of Sunday, July 10, 2005
He Wore a Sad, Fairy Beret
Dear Howie,
Repeat after me:
The only men who should wear berets
Are fighting soldiers, the French, and gays.
Make it your mantra.
Love,
The following song is dedicated to Howie's Sunday night Disastrous Fashion
Statement. If you know the words to Prince's "Raspberry Beret," you
can sing along with me.
He wore a sad, fairy beret
The kind you get from Beau's "Big Brother" store
A bad, Paree beret
He thought the girls would scream, "Je t'adore!"
Standing in the room wondering what to wear to dinner
Howie asked Beau to help him out
Beau said, "Take my blue shirt, go ahead and wear it
Even though your belly sticks out."
Howie said, "No collar up since that's a gay signal
And the internet will think I'm daft,
But I like to appeal to all sexual persuasions!"
So Howie wore it half and half
Next came the hat - he thought he looked "tres chic"
He was ready for his dinner debut
But what did we see when he walked down the runway?
Baby Huey meets Pepe LePew
He wore a sad, fairy beret
The kind that belongs on Beau's head alone
A bad, scary beret
The kind that no het-er-o should own
Hoppy trails,
(Photo courtesy of Hobor from TVCH)
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Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Monday, July 11, 2005
To Kill a Necking Bird
Cappy Eric is the first one up again. He decides to make omelets. When
you're the leader of the Cock Block, you need to start the day with a big
breakfast. By the way, just because Eric is the Head of the Cock Block
doesn't make it okay for you to send me email calling him the No. 1 Dickhead.
It's not the same thing, I tell you.
Ashlea is crying. Apparently, Howie crawled into bed with her and she's
upset about it. (I'm sorry, Howie. There's no denying that between
the flatulence, the dressing in women's panties, and the "You're-not-in-Paris-anymore-and-actually-I-bet-you-never-have-been"
beret faux pas, you're never going to score again. Ever.)
Sarah joins Eric in the kitchen. Eric tells her that he doesn't trust
Kaysar or Michael. Sarah says that everyone stays away from Michael because
he's so smart. I don't think that's it. I think they stay away because
they're prejudiced against people who were born in Europe and then come
over here and get a spot on an American game show. "Think of all the REAL
Americans who didn't have a chance," they say. "These foreigners come across
our borders and take reality slots away from those who have paid taxes
here all their lives. These are the same people who are trying to get the
Constitution changed so 'the Terminator' can be elected President."
Eric tells Sarah about Howie getting into bed with Ashlea. He also shares
this bit of news with Rachel and Maggie. "But I think he's harmless," Eric
says. "He has a heart." Yep, that's Howie: a goodhearted sexual deviant.
A compassionate perv. A freaky deke with feelings. He's a red-blooded all-American
male. Mom, apple pie, and lewd and lascivious conduct.
April told Ivette last night that Michael's flirting makes her uncomfortable.
He likes to nuzzle necks, and April's not into it. Ivette reminded Michael
that April is married. Michael, offended, responded, "I can't believe you
don't know when I'm joking!" I think the problem here is merely a failure
to communicate. Flirting in America is different from flirting in, say,
Morocco, or maybe Belize or Tasmania. Wherever Michael travels in his head,
his mannerisms and body language reflect the change in time zone.
For example, when you put your nose on a married woman's esophagus in
Rio, it's just a way of saying "It's Carnival! Let's disco!" In Iceland,
where it's freezing and your nose is always running, it's acceptable for
a man to turn to the nearest woman's collar and wipe. But if you start
sniffing the perfumed gullet of someone's gal in April's home state of
Texas, you best be prepared to lose your shnozz in a hail of .38 Wesson
bullets.
The HGs head to the backyard after breakfast. Kaysar asks Beau if he
knows Paula Abdul. "I've had a crush on her for years," he says. Well,
Kaysar, you don't need Beau to fix you up. Just grow your hair out all
curly and cute, then try out for "American Idol." Inject her name into
the first song you sing, ask for some style advice, and the next thing
you know, she's Forever Your Girl.
Janelle tells Ashlea and Rachel that she thinks Beau and Ivette are
a pair. Word gets around to Jennifer, who tells April, who doesn't believe
it. I know what you mean, April. If they were a pair, wouldn't Ivette be
dressing better? I mean, wouldn't Beau have helped her pack something that
was - how do you say it, Michael? - "tempestuoso? fiero? loco?" Instead,
we've seen her in the same pink shirt for mucho dias.
April confesses to Michael that she has had a lot of plastic surgery
done. "I don't care if the people in this house know, but I don't want
anyone 'out there' to find out." Oh. Okay.
Jennifer is crying to Michael because Ivette is spreading rumors about
her that she is "acting loose" around him. She is worried that her boyfriend
back home will break up with her because of it. Michael assures her that
he will talk to her boyfriend when they get out. Eric walks in on the conversation
and tells Michael that he may be making the women feel uncomfortable.
Eric: I've had training in sexual harrassment.
Michael: I don't want any of the women to feel bad. I will stop doing
whatever it is they don't like.
Bunny: Neck nuzzling.
Eric: I'm reporting this to BB.
Michael: I didn't mean anything by it.
Bunny: I'm sorry, Michael. It's just different here. You're not in
Rio. Besides, these people aren't going to give you a break. You stole
a reality slot from a true American.
(Of course, to most of us who are debauchery connoisseurs, compared
to the sexual harrassment Red Flag that is HOWIE, Michael is a drop in
the proverbial Pervert Bucket.)
After Jennifer recovers from worrying about her boyfriend, she tells
Ashlea, "The world is going to think we're so hot!" (Well, the world minus
one.) "Let's face it - they put hot, young, gorgeous people in here."
"Look at the previous houseguests," she goes on to say. "Take Drew.
He was cute, but he had a bad personality." (Yeah, so? ) "And Jase was
attractive until he opened his mouth." ( Okay, you got me there.)
Eric, up in arms about Mike, tells Maggie that he has reported Mike
to BB. She says, "Are you sure Jennifer wasn't just playing a role?" (Ah,
Maggie. Wise Maggie.) "Everyone has to stick up for themselves, and you
have to be careful about doing it for someone. It's their own responsibility."
In other words, stop fanning the fire, Cappy. What's a few neck nuzzles
from the Irish Italian English Russian guy? Besides, isn't he in your Cock
Block? Even the lowliest rooster should be allowed a few chicken pecks
once in awhile.
While Eric is protecting the hot, young, gorgeous girls that the entire
world is pining over, our friend Michael is in the backyard with Kaysar.
"Ivette used to be my favorite person here," he says, "but now I think
she's just nuts. She needs to go." He tells Kaysar that the other girls
were making Jennifer feel like dirt. "That's what she was talking to me
about. And the next thing you know, Eric shows up."
Well, now, Michael, you have to admit you're drawn to Jennifer. Much
like a moth to a flame, I would say. And when Cappy sees a flame...well,
it's his duty to try and identify its source, whether it be a match or
a gasoline spill or someone's neck that got a little too heated from being
rubbed rapidly back and forth by a nose. Your activity presents a threat
to others, Michael, and also to the surrounding California forests. Maybe
they don't teach this in European Cub Scouts.
Back inside, Ivette gathers the other girls around her bed to pray.
The prayer was all in Spanish, but I think I caught a few of the words.
Something about forgiving Michael for his neck nuzzling trespasses and
something else about delivering Beau from evil for not helping her pack.
Jennifer joins Michael in the backyard for a game of frisbee (trauma
from inhouse sexual harrassment is only temporary) and Howie watches them
play. Michael tosses, and Jen misses the catch. Michael tosses again, and
Jen again misses. "I don't know how to play this. I'm a girl!" "My little
Mexican-American, you are so cute!" Howie yells. Michael starts to acknowledge
the compliment until he realizes that's the only nationality he isn't,
and that Howie is actually talking to Jen.
Maggie and Eric are putting it together that there are several pairs
in the house. "James and Sarah are together, Beau and Ivette, Ashlea and
Janelle, and probably Howie and Rachel," says Maggie. "I think those two
are brother and sister." Which would make sense since Rachel has that whole
"a horse is a horse, of course, of course" thing and Howie....well, Howie
thinks he's a stud. I heard that others think he's an ass, but I don't
know if that counts.
Eric tells Maggie that BB informed him they have security on hand 24/7
and they will intervene if they see a need. That's not true. If there was
ever a need for an intervention, it was the first time Cowboy put a hat
on his pecker. No one stepped in to save us from that, not even once.
Kaysar and Janelle head upstairs to end the night with a game of chess.
Howie watches for awhile. The three of them decide that Ivette must be
a lesbian. I don't know how they figured it out, unless it was when she
said she saw "The Vagina Monologues" more times than she can remember,
or when she announced that forming the South Beach chapter of the Portia
de Rossi Fan Club was a lot of work, or when she was caught in the middle
of the night with a tape measure around April's breasts. It's also
no secret that she's consistently there in a flash when any of the big-breasted
girls topple. I don't know any of this for fact, but I hear things.
Kaysar: The girls made Jenny cry today. They told her, "You have a boyfriend,
so stop slutting around."
Janelle: What the f--- is their problem? They're crazy!
Kaysar: So now Jenny won't talk to Michael. They brainwashed her because
she's so insecure.
Bunny: She shouldn't feel insecure. After all, she's totally hot, young
and gorgeous, and the whole world thinks so. Minus one.
Janelle: I can't believe they made her cry.
Bunny: That's nothing. Wait 'til the whole world dumps her
because she can't catch a frisbee.
Hoppy trails,
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Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Tuesday, July 12, 2005
April, Come She Will
April is the first one up this morning, and she heads straight outside
for a cigarette. You know April, the girl who tells anyone who will listen
that she doesn't smoke, yet she brought two cartons of ciggies into the
house. I know some of you think that's crazy, but it's actually all the
rage. Pretending you smoke when you really don't. Or saying you don't smoke
when you really do. Either way, it's all part of the same hip trend. It's
a carry-over from junior high.
Anyway, the best thing about pretend smoking is that it looks like real
smoking, and you still get to have the tobacco stains on your teeth and
the foul smell in your hair and on your clothing. I love that.
Eric decides to eat oatmeal for his breakfast today. Eric considers
himself an expert on a lot of things besides just sexual harrassment, and
that includes oatmeal. Did you know it was one of the first cereals known
to man? Cappy did. How about that January is Oatmeal Month? Just ask Cappy.
And I bet you had no clue that "oatmeal" in Chinese is "chop tua." Eric
didn't know that either, but guess who did.
Eric is teasing Ivette about wearing the same clothes every day. He
doesn't understand why she doesn't do her laundry and change clothes. Well,
Eric, you may know a thing or two about oatmeal and sexual harrassment
and probably "stop, drop, and roll," but it's obvious that you have a lot
to learn about Latino lesbians. Wearing the same pink shirt day after day
is part of the culture. Now, not all Latinos do this. And not all lesbians.
It's just lesbians who are Latino. It's how you tell them apart from Italian
lesbians. Trust me on that. I've been gay - I know the secrets.
Speaking of Janelle, my lovely Janelle - after being in the pool yesterday
her hair has somewhat of a green tint to it. The chlorine is ruining her
hair. She smokes - or pretend smokes, who can keep up? - so her hair already
stinks. When an odor radiates from green hair, people are liable to think
something's terribly wrong with you. I can't be seen with someone who has
a disease. So if we weren't over before, we certainly are now.
The HGs wish they could find a way to get into the gym BB has for them.
April hopes there's a certain machine in there that she loves to work out
on and have sex with. Yeah, you heard me. If you sit on it just right,
it not only strengthens your muscles, but it can also make it unnecessary
to find a date on Friday night. It's the ultimate stress release, and you
don't have to cook for it. Have you heard that James Brown song "Sex Machine?"
Come to find out, he wrote it about the Lexatron 4000.
While some of the HGs work out in the backyard, April whispers to Jennifer
at the table. "We must be doing something right," she says, "because I
don't think anyone suspects that we're working together." Well, actually
they do, and they're worried. Between Jen's karate-like high kicks and
your ability to get off with a thigh enhancer, they know you two are a
force to be reckoned with.
The HGs are put on lockdown. It's too hot to sunbathe so they tell stories
on the patio. Ivette talks about the big alligators in Florida, which,
of course, prompts Michael to launch into his Crocodile Dundee accent.
They talk about video games, flying, all sorts of things. All except Howie.
He can only talk about one thing, and that's "boobies." Day after day after
day, it's "Janelle, show me your boobies. Jennifer, show your boobies to
Howie. I love looking at boobs!" I guess it's true what they say. Like
does attract like.
Sarah and James have some alone time in the bedroom. Sarah is worried
that the other HGs will be upset with her when they find out that she and
James are a couple. No one will be more upset than Kaysar, who seems to
be smitten with Sarah. The other night, she told him she didn't have a
boyfriend, and that she was looking for someone who wanted a family.
Kaysar: I want a family.
Sarah: My dad used to tuck me into bed like a pencil. I want someone
who will tuck my kids into bed like a pencil.
Kaysar: I totally want to tuck my kids into bed like a pencil.
I can't remember what else they said after that because I got stuck
on the whole pencil thing and how you tuck a kid in like one. Just between
you and me, I never saw a pencil tucked into anything but a nerd accountant's
pocket, and it wasn't tucked in so much as clipped in, because it was a
mechanical pencil and not a No. 2. I need to do some research on this.
Maggie, Kaysar, and Ivette are lounging on the patio. Kaysar says he
knew he would be put up sooner or later (sooner) and that he can leave
the game knowing he played with integrity. Ivette says she wants people
to get evicted who said bad things about her. Maggie says, "Sometimes people
just make things up - you know, to stir up trouble." Okay, Ivy, I'll confess.
It's not true what I said about Latino lesbians and pink shirts. But I
wasn't trying to stir up trouble - I was just trying to get you to give
the dang shirt a rest. Forgive me?
The HGs find out that James and Janelle attended the same modeling agency.
This is bad news for the agency. If they were successful in getting their
clients work, you wouldn't see them signing up for reality shows.
Michael confronts Eric about their tiff from the night before.
Michael: Maybe I did something that irritated someone, but calling
it "sexual harrassment" was completely out of hand. I talked to Jennifer
about it and she doesn't have a problem with me.
Eric: We're cool then.
So it appears that the Cock Block is still intact! Good, because I
got penis jokes by the million.
Kaysar tells James that if he gets HOH, he's nominating Ivette and Beau
"no matter what." James suggests using Nokomis' six-finger plan or five-finger
plan or however many fingers it was (but I'm sure it was all fingers and
no thumbs) and put up a decoy instead of Ivette.
Thank you for making me think of Nokomis, James. I miss her. The only
interesting tattoo we have this year is whatever that blob is on Howie's
back. It could be a globe, or maybe a zinnia. Whatever it is, it can't
compare to the piece of artwork that was Nokomis.
On the shores of Gitche Gumee
Sat Nokomis, inked Nokomis
She with plan of many fingers
She with speech against Big Brother
Not new brother, just the game show
James shares with Eric and Ivette that Kaysar is going to nominate Ivy
and Beau if he gets HOH. Ivette is losing it. "The only reason the f-er
is talking to people is because I told the stupid f-er to get out of his
stupid f-ing Muslim shell!" Eric is talking to Ivette about her loud mouth.
"You need to talk quieter. Keep your emotions in check, too."
Not that anyone in the other room could hear her right now. They are
all screaming because Howie is showing off the bulge in his pants. Someone
page Cappy.
Beau finds out about Kaysar's plan from Eric, and he's upset. "If he
puts me up, I'm going to be really mad, because I've been trying to help
save him." Eric decides to confront Kaysar. He tells him, "The vote to
keep you could change." Then he goes to James to report what he said to
Kaysar. "I bet he's messing his pants right now. I'm putting the fear of
God into him." (I don't think the whole God-fearing thing works with Kaysar,
but I've been wrong before.)
Michael, Janelle, Ashlea, and Howie are on the patio. Ashlea wants to
talk about the game, but Michael says he just wants to chill and talk about
something else. Of course, that's fine with Howie, who likes nothing better
than to talk about boobs, so off he goes. Janelle interrupts him to ask
if his lips are tattooed. He admits that they are, and that his teeth are
capped. I wonder if you can get points in the CBS BB Fantasy League for
cosmetic enhancements.
Janelle tells Kaysar that she's pretending to be dumb. She thinks it
will help her in the game. What a relief! That means she knows better than
to soak her bleached hair in a chlorine pool, and she's smart enough not
to smoke because it will give her wrinkles, and that she's just doing these
things to LOOK dumb. Which means she and I can certainly give it another
go. Woo hoo! I can't wait to be gay when she gets out. However, in the
meantime, what was the name of that thigh machine again?
Hoppy trails,
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Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Michael Now a Smooth Operator
Eric is first up again. He washes dishes, makes coffee, cleans up the
patio, and does a load of laundry. Rachel, second to awaken, joins him
in the kitchen. Eric tells her that he is tired of cleaning up after all
the slobs in the house. When Maggie enters, he tells her he wants to have
a meeting with everyone to tell them he's had enough. She advises against
it, warning him that his bossiness could work against him.
You know, I feel sorry for Cappy. He has so much responsibility. There's
all the work from being Head of the Cock Block, a role which forces him
to get tough with the other guys on the team (he's the meaner weiner, so
to speak). And there's his role as Deputy of Sexual Harrassment, which
keeps him way busier than you can imagine, what with Michael nuzzling necks
and Howie sniffing the ladies' underwear and all. And now he's Timmy Tidy,
the Grand Pumba of Housekeeping, a role that requires his constant attention.
In my opinion, there's just way too much pressure on him to be a Cock of
All Trades.
April wakes up and goes out to smoke or pretend smoke her morning cigarette.
James and Rachel join her on the patio. She tells them that she thinks
Janelle and Michael have an alliance. "Have you ever noticed that when
Michael comes into a room, he hits someone?," she asks. She thinks it's
weird that he's always hitting, or touching, or poking and wonders where
it comes from.
I think that's pretty clear already. It comes from a mixture of the
cultures Michael has been exposed to, and if you ask me, you people are
missing a perfect opportunity to learn about many customs of the world
through his experiences. When Michael enters a room and slaps someone on
the back, it's obviously a reflection of his time spent in Germany where
the Heimlech Maneuver was invented. And when he rubs someone on the head,
we can all see that he's been to Sweden, the country that started "noogies."
Poking you in the eye while twisting your nose is a common occurrence in
whatever country Moe, Larry, and Curly come from - and I know Michael was
just there; and when he spanks your backside, it's just something he picked
up in the English soccer locker rooms. Who do you think brought it to the
U.S.? So, April, take a tip from the NFL and glean what knowledge you can
from your roaming houseguest.
Voting has begun. Howie decides to wear his plaid bathrobe and a hat
to the Diary Room to give his vote. It's not a good look for him, but what
do I know? Beau dresses Miss Florida, and he put him in a size Small polo
and a goofy-looking beret. If that's today's fashion, then I need to re-evaluate.
Michael and Janelle decide to sunbathe by the pool. Michael tells Janelle
that she has beautiful eyes. Janelle tells Michael that he is funny and
weird, and that she likes weird people. Michael asks her who she would
nominate if she gets HOH. She replies, "Eric and Jennifer." Eric because
he's King of Everything and Jennifer because Cheerleading is no goal to
have in life. Actually, those are Bunny's reasons and not Janelle's but
sometimes it's left up to me to say what needs to be said.
Rachel gets a chance to confer with Howie.
Rachel: Be sure to pick up after yourself. Eric went off about that
this morning.
Howie: Right. Have you voted yet?
Rachel: I don't vote. I'm HOH. Who did you vote for?
Howie: I can't talk about that, but whatever you think is the right
thing, is what I did.
Rachel: I have all the pairs figured out now.
Howie: Yeah, me, too. Maggie's with Eric, Sarah's with James, Ivette
and Beau are together.
Rachel: Michael and Kaysar are best friends, and Jennifer and April
know each other. Then Ashlea and Janelle. Everyone wants Michael and Janelle
out now.
Howie: Janelle's not a threat. And Michael is our ally.
Rachel: There are two groups fighting here. We should let them eat
each other the way Jason and Danielle did in BB3.
Oh, Rachel, thank you for mentioning Jason and Danielle. Jason, oh hallowed
be thy name. He was the closest thing to perfect I've ever seen. And Danielle,
who most certainly deserved a shot at being Tina Turner's backup singer
way more than Oprah.
Jennifer walks up to Michael and gives him a big hug. He kisses her
on the forehead and says, "I'm not going to do anything sexually inappropriate."
Jennifer leans in and bites him on the chest. (CAPPPPY!!!)
Sarah and James are in the backyard hammock. She says she wants to nominate
Jennifer and Michael if she gets HOH.
James: Michael is a dick.
Bunny: He's on that team. He can't help it.
James: He's a freak and a psycho.
Bunny: He's European. He can't help it.
James: We will be in trouble if Eric is voted out. I want to ride his
coattails all the way to the end. I think April should go.
Sarah: No, I like April. She's the one keeping me sane in this house.
James: She can't make a decision.
Bunny: Right. Is she a smoker or isn't she? And does she need
a man or doesn't she? And will she ever take her hair out of that
pony tail?
Kaysar approaches the hammock, and James leaves to go inside.
Kaysar: We haven't talked in awhile. I just wanted to check in with
you.
Sarah: Nothing's changed with me. I will not lie and I will not go
back on my word. And I won't get involved when people start arguing.
Kaysar: I would rather play with integrity.
Bunny: Then how in the Jiminy Christmas did you two get picked for
this show??? Sheesh.
Howie is following Janelle around again, asking her to sleep with him
and to show him her el grande chi chis. Talk about a broken record. Every
time he comes on the scene, I start singing that old Salt 'n' Pepa tune:
Let's talk about sex, How-ie
Let's talk about A & T
Let's talk about nothing else but butts and legs and girls' boob-ies
I don't want to spend too much time on Howie, since something important
is going on in the bathroom. Are you ready for this?
Michael is shaving the road map from his face! This could cause a major
backlash on my gayness. I may need to rethink things, but I'll give it
a day or two to see if my vibe changes. I promise you'll be the first to
know.
Hoppy trails,
(Photo courtesy of Dan from TVCH)
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Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Thursday, July 14, 2005
Ashlea Now Idle; Cappy Adds Title
As soon as everyone is up, a late breakfast is eaten, the house is tidied,
and the HGs begin the process of getting ready for the Live Show. In the
middle of the hustle bustle, Howie asks Beau if there has ever been another
gay guy on BB. Beau says he doesn't know. Rachel asks if there's ever been
a gay girl. Howie asks, "A lesbo?"
Michael: There's one in here now.
Everyone: No! How do you know?
Michael: I just do.
April: Unless you've been told that, then you don't know.
Beau: Why would they put a gay guy and a lesbian in the same house?
Howie: I couldn't care less who's gay, bi, quad, or what have you.
Neither could Bunny. She just wants to hook up with anything other than
April's Lexatron.
The Live Show takes place and Ashlea is evicted over Kaysar by a vote
of 9-2. She received votes from Janelle, her game partner, and James, who
wanted to shake things up. The HOH competition is a True/False game in
the backyard. Eric is named the winner, which is a shame because he already
has so many other responsibilities. He's going to be like one of those
lecturers you go to hear who has seventeen titles after his name. Captain
Eric, H.C.B., D.S.H., G.P.H., H.O.H.
However, he tells Maggie and Ivette that he is relinquishing his Cock
Block title and disbanding that alliance. He wants to nominate Janelle
and Michael for eviction. "I'm going to tell Michael that he's a pawn.
But I want your word that you'll vote against him, and I also want you
both to promise not to nominate me if you get HOH next week." They agree
("Sir, yes, sir!") and Eric moves on to make more deals.
Rachel joins Maggie and Ivette in the hammock, followed by Sarah. Soon
Jennifer joins the group, but, of course, she sits there and doesn't say
a word. (Wanted: One Personality)
I shouldn't be so hard on Jennifer. It very well could be that the reason
she never talks is because she strained her vocal cords doing cheers. It
happens all the time. Who do you think those silent team mascots are, the
ones all dressed up in animal suits or Viking suits or what have you? They
are cheerleaders who, unfortunately, screamed for one too many touchdowns
and were forced to trade in their pom poms for a chicken suit.
On the patio, Michael is doing impressions of the other HGs. He really
sucks. When he's through, April and Ivette do impressions of Michael. They
suck, too. Mark my words - none of these people are going to get a SAG
card anytime soon.
James tells Kaysar that Michael isn't safe in the game. "You're probably
okay, because he's gunning for Mike. He doesn't like it that he makes the
girls uncomfortable." Kaysar tells him that Eric said he and Michael had
a falling out, but then they made amends. James says, "Eric is very diplomatic."
He's also very regimented when it comes to exercise. When he approaches
a couple of girls in the hammock, he punctuates his conversation with push-ups.
Eric, standing: I want you girls to vote for....just a minute.
Eric, on ground: One, two, three, four....
Eric, back up again: ... for Michael. I want you to vote for Michael.
He....
Eric, on ground again: Five, six, seven, eight....
Eric, on his feet: ...he has to go. He really needs to go.
I don't have a problem with this mode of conversing, other than that
it takes you longer to finish a sentence and, well, it looks freakin' dorky.
As the day winds down, Eric announces that as HOH, he will be turning
lights out early. When it's time, he leaves the HGs with a few words of
wisdom before going upstairs to sleep: "Any good leader will realize that
the people are not there to support him, but he is there to support the
people."
That's just great. Now Cappy's running for President.
Hoppy trails,
By the way, in response to some email I've been getting, I am NOT Winston
on the CBS site. I wish I was. He's getting megabucks from Shapiro for
posting a few words now and then while I slave away hour after hour for
a measly Fan Club of ten. (No disrespect to the fabulous Carrotheads intended.)
Besides, if I was sharing a platform with the luscious Drew, do you think
for a minute I wouldn't be bragging my [cotton]tail off?
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Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Friday, July 15, 2005
On the Block: Beauty and the "Billen-Bijten"
The HGs are up early, getting ready for a Food Competition. Michael
walks through the kitchen and April makes a comment that he won't do anything
in the competition that will humiliate him. Maggie, wise Maggie, says,
"This WHOLE SHOW is humiliating." I couldn't have said it better myself.
Kaysar is in the restroom and Eric yells through the door: "Hurry up!
I gotta dump!" (See above.) There is talk that Michael got angry a few
days ago and punched the bathroom wall. There's no mark anywhere, no broken
plaster, no bruised knuckles on Michael's hand. James asks, "Did anyone
see this outburst?"
Maggie: Not I, said the cat.
Kaysar: Not I, said the fox.
Howie: Not I, said the duck.
Bunny: Not I, said the cutest rabbit from here to Milwaukee.
James: I didn't see it. Eric didn't see it, either. So this is just
hearsay then.
While waiting for the competition to start, Janelle tells Michael that
she thinks Eric has a Napoleon complex. This could be true. The likeness
is uncanny: both are ruthless dictators who amassed a huge following, and
both are closer to the ground than a junebug's belly. Plus, they were both
exiled. Well, Eric hasn't been yet but you just know he's going to be.
April says she saw Michael punch the wall. She also says he shot a rubber
band at her when she wouldn't massage his earlobes. "I hate him - I hate
him so much. If he hits me, I'll beat the f--- out of him." I think you're
a long way from that, April. First he would have to graduate from a rubber
band to a slingshot, and then from a slingshot to one of those paddle balls
which would be really hard to do because you know how hard it is to make
the little red ball hit the paddle, much less a person. Then he would have
to actually give up on aiming the ball at you and start using the paddle
itself to swat with, in which case it would be more than appropriate for
you to beat the f--- out of him. You go, girl.
Ivette wants Michael out. "He bit my butt," she says. "I was just lying
there and he leaned over and nipped me." Once again, someone misunderstands
a harmless greeting that is customary overseas.
It's time for the Food Competition. Eric emerges from the Diary Room
in a mullet wig and trucker's cap. I would say something here about fake
redneck hair being better than no hair at all, but it wouldn't really be
true. I can't tell you how many times I wished Billy Ray Cyrus would shave
his head back when he was on every channel singing "Achy Breaky Heart."
The HGs go into the backyard, now decorated in a desert theme with an
old truck, cacti, tumbleweeds, and barrels. The focal point is a large
shanty labeled "Snack Shack from Hell." The HGs will compete in pairs to
try and win a predetermined category of food. Howie and James are first,
playing for Beverages. "Choose something from the snack menu. If you eat
it all, you will win the food in your category," says host Cappy Ray. The
boys choose Ice Cream Sundaes. Eric informs them that the ice cream is
all gone, so they will have to settle for Ice CLAM Sundaes, frozen New
England clams with whipped cream, nuts, and a cherry on top.
Howie and James can't drink the nasty stuff, so they lose beverages
for the week. Beau and Janelle are next, playing for breads and cereals.
They have to eat Pepper Only pizza, and are successful. Rachel and April
are playing to win dairy products for the house. They choose Coconut Cream
Pie from the menu, which is replaced with Saurkraut Cream Pie. Neither
can stomach it, so all hopes of drinking milk and cutting cheese are gone,
unless you count Howie's regular contribution.
Kaysar and Michael choose Tuna Melt, which turns into a Tuna Malt. They
keep it down and win sweets for the week. Maggie and Jennifer play to win
meats by eating Chocolate Snake instead of chocolate cake. Maggie is a
vegetarian, so she won't eat it. Jennifer downs the snake by herself and
wins the category. Rah rah shish boom bah, gooooooooooooo, Jennifer!
Ivette and Sarah have to eat Chicken Pot Poi instead of chicken pot
pie if they want to win fruits and vegetables for the house. Unlike Jennifer
and the amazing way she gulped down snake like she'd been eating it for
years, Ivette is unsuccessful with her meat entree, which doesn't surprise
anyone. And poor Sarah - like many young girls who are exposed to nasty
meat-eating experiences for the first time, she throws up.
There is a bonus category: Beer and Wine. Eric volunteers to compete
this time, even though as HOH he doesn't have to. Michael assists him,
and they choose Egg Salad Sandwich a.k.a. Egg Salad Sardines. Down it goes,
with lots of cheering for Cappy and not much for Michael, which could really
hurt his feelings. Hey, y'all, prepare yourself for the Rubber Band. Man.
Eric has his meetings in the HOH room with the HGs who wish to confer
with him. He makes deals with most of them not to put him up if he gets
HOH, and makes them promise to vote to evict Michael.
When Eric meets with Kaysar, he tells Kaysar that they no longer have
an all-male alliance. "You broke my trust," he says. This stems from Eric
telling Kaysar that Michael needed to spend less time with Jennifer, and
Kaysar in turn warned Michael that he should stay away from the cheerleader.
I don't understand how this broke Eric's trust. It makes perfect sense
to me since all three were in the same alliance, but maybe this is one
of those word problems I never did so well on in school. You know, if the
first BB HG tells the second BB HG that the third BB HG is talking too
much to the fourth BB HG, then should the first BB HG stay in his alliance
with BB HGs one and two or should he switch his allegiance to the fourth
BB HG because she's way cuter?
Michael is next to meet with Eric.
Michael: We're still on as planned?
Bunny: Uh oh.
Eric: The Cock Block is no more. Kaysar broke my trust.
Michael: But I didn't break your trust.
Eric: Your body language tells me that you, Janelle, and Kaysar are
a team.
Bunny: Your body language tells me that you tend to mix conversation
with exercise. What's that about?
When it's Janelle's turn to meet with Eric, he tells her that if he
nominates her, she may not be the real target. "If things go the way I
want them to, you'll be here next week."
BB announces that ice cream and M&Ms are in the storage room, and
Cappy warns everyone: "The ice cream and candy were all gone last time
within a 48-hour time span. Please ration your food!" I feel another title
coming on.
The nominations take place, and Michael and Janelle are on the block.
Michael doesn't understand it. "We made a pact. Eric said, 'My word is
my bond. You and me to the end.'" I'm sorry, Michael, I didn't get it either.
It's a math thing.
April tells Janelle to stay away from Michael. "You are safe this week.
It's him we want out. He makes the girls uncomfortable. He tried to touch
Sarah's hoochie with his big toe." (Hoochie?) Michael joins them, and Janelle
leaves. April fills him in on some of the reasons he was nominated: the
wall punching, harassing Jennifer, making the other girls feel uncomfortable.
No one understands why he acts this way. (Okay, how many times do I have
to tell you. He's Italian. That's what they do.)
Michael tells Kaysar about the things April told him, and in the telling,
he gets really upset. He yells out to Maggie and Jennifer, who are walking
around in the backyard: "Did you know that I supposedly punched a wall?
Jennifer, did you know that I was supposedly harassing you and all the
other girls in here?" Kaysar tells him to calm down. "You're only making
it worse for yourself." Heck, you think Mike has it bad? Poor April had
the misfortune of using the word "hoochie."
Maggie heads to the Diary Room to complain about Michael's outburst.
It scared her. I, for one, wouldn't have run to BB until the rubber bands
came out.
Most of the HGs are gathered in the HOH room, bashing Michael. Sarah
tells how his toe "went all the way up my friggin' thigh." That's not the
best part. Tell how it was heading for her hoochie, April. Come on. Say
it. If you say it, I'll get BB to open the gym.
Ivette tells again and again that she wants Michael out because he bit
her in the butt. "I was lying down, and he came up behind me and he bit
my ass," she says. She lies down on the bed a couple of times to show the
position she was in, then pinches each HG in the room to show how the bite
felt. "He bit me and he needs to go." We all know that Hell hath no fury
like a woman nipped, but when a man bites a lesbian in the ass, it's a
whole other ball of wax. Had April or Jennifer been the biter, the bitee
probably would have asked her out to dinner.
While the HOH room is packed with people, Eric breaks wind in a marathon
series of long, uninterrupted toots. He assists the process by lifting
up his butt cheek. Let me point out that (1) we're talking about Eric here
and not Howie, and (2) Maggie's statement about humiliation in this game
has never been truer than in this moment.
Speaking of Howie - Beau, darling, how did you let this happen?
Put Little Abner back in the comics where he belongs.
Janelle asks Beau if he knows Ivette. He says no. Beau asks Janelle
if she knew Ashlea. She says no. Bunny asks both of them if they know Bunny.
They say no. Bunny says that will change soon enough.
Michael goes into the gold room to have a look at the safes in there.
He wonders if there is a Get Out of Eviction Free card locked up in one
of them. Howie is hoping they contain some of Janelle's underwear. Michael
tells Howie that he is upset that people in the house are trying to ruin
his reputation. Howie says, "I'm the strongest sexual predator in the house.
No doubt about that."
Really? Then why go after Michael and not you? Must be another math
thing.
Hoppy trails,
(Photo courtesy of TVCH)
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