Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Sunday, July 17, 2005

Oh, Captain, My Captain

Saturday was pretty uneventful unless you count the almost-fight between Eric and Michael. Apparently, the latter stared at the former, and the former doesn't like to be stared at. So he jumped up from his chair and yelled, "You got a problem?" To which Michael replied, "Yeah, I got a problem. You're a midget with a small penis!" or something along those lines. That's probably not exactly accurate, since it sounds like that would be more of Eric's problem than Michael's - not that that's a problem anyway because plenty of short people have large flappers. Why do you think it took Dorothy so long to ask for an exit out of Oz? Zoom in on the Mayor of the Lollipop Guild and you'll see what I'm talking about.

Anyway, the staring and maybe the teeny wee-wee comment led to Eric going after Michael and Michael going after Eric. They were both held back by the other guys, so no punches were thrown and no one was thrown out by BB. Good thing, too, because that means there's a chance for another fight later. Not that I advocate violence, but let's face it, this group needs a little help in the entertainment department. No one's getting naked, no one is sewing thongs out of lettuce or doing penis hat tricks - no one's even parading around in his/her skivvies except Howie and who wants to see that.

So now, on Sunday, the atmosphere is tense. Everyone blames Michael for the fight. All of the HGs are gathered in the kitchen except Michael, Janelle, and Kaysar. The others tell Cappy that they don't blame him for reacting the way he did to Michael's staring. Which kind of scares me, because that means if I ever run into Hardy somewhere and I can't take my eyes off him, he's liable to jump my ass and everyone will take his side. At least we've been enlightened that excessive eyeballing is a crime, so y'all be careful out there.

I guess I should also mention that Janelle and Michael are getting closer. Last night Beau joined them in the Gold Room to act out scenes from movies with Kaysar as the audience, but when one of the skits featured an evil character named Ivette, Beau put his hands over his ears and Kaysar scolded Michael for his behavior. Outside the room, Kaysar told Beau that he will try to put a muzzle on Michael if Beau will do the same with Ivette. "Things are getting out of hand," he says. Kaysar has now become the Voice of Reason, a title far out of Eric's reach. 

It's time for the POV competition. Eric, Janelle, and Michael will be assisted by James, Howie, and Rachel. The six of them go toe-to-toe in the backyard, and James emerges as the victor. He played for Eric, so that means the nominations will stand. Eric says, "Michael's going home. Next we have to go after Janelle. She is the mastermind behind everything." 

I don't know if that's true, but it wouldn't surprise me. After all, she says she plays chess with her fellow housemates to try and determine their strategies. What a concept! It's brilliant! Because there are Pawns, like Michelle, who was really a pretend pawn - and Sheryl, who was an actual pawn that bit the dust anyway when Nicole started massaging people. Playing chess helps you determine which Pawn is which. 

There are also Kings (Jee comes to mind), which most chess players know to be the same as a Deputy or a Grand Pumba or a headgear-wearing Horseman. And there are Queens, like Amy the beauty queen and Marcellas, the other kind - as well as Knights like Roddy, who will chivalrously help some queens get up from the ground when they fall off their thrones or their hammocks or whatever, but who politely refuse the offer of other queens who would like nothing more than to have the handsome knight's lance poking around the queen's crown jewels.

We also can't forget that the more experienced you are at the game of chess, the less chance you'll be blindsided by a checkmate, demonstrated just recently when Janelle recovered quickly after coming head to head with Howie's plaid shirt. 

Eric tells Maggie that Kaysar said he would nominate Beau and Ivette if he were HOH. "He wanted to split them up because he thought they knew each other, but that's impossible. Beau knows a lot of famous people - why would he hang out with a waitress?" Well, Eric, you may know a thing or two about sexual harassment, Smokey the Bear, and criminal stare-downs, but you're clueless when it comes to pairings between the elite and those who wait tables. I'll have you know that one Mr. Jack Nicholson made Joker babies with a waitress, and surely you've heard of a little movie star named Nick Cage? Yep, he just walked down the aisle with someone he tipped at Denney's. Then you have Cher and the bagel boy, which isn't exactly the same thing, but that's only because she picked him up on the dance floor and didn't find out he was beneath her until he rushed out of the club at 5am to warm up the ovens for the 6am donut hole rush.

Janelle and Michael don't let a little thing like losing the POV get in the way of their plans to hook up. Michael may be ostracized by most of the people in the house, but apparently it's paying off, because right now he's lying on a gold-covered bed in a gold-flecked room getting kisses from the golden girl of the season. He should lose more often.

Eric finds out that Jennifer wasn't harassed by Michael, and that the reason she was crying when he found them together was because she missed her boyfriend. He tells James that he feels bad now about accusing Michael. "But there's the thing with Sarah," says James. Yeah, Eric, what about the toe and the hoochie? "I think your feelings about Michael are justified," says James. "Let's ask Bunny," says Eric.

Well, guys, it's not me you should ask, but rather Michael's toe. Was it or was it not making a beeline for Sarah's secret garden? It all happened under the covers, so the only witnesses were the other piggies on Michael's foot, and they're not talking. The way I heard it, Sarah felt something crawling up her leg and told Mike to stop it. He said, "Huh?" like he didn't know what she was talking about. Maybe it was his toe, or maybe it was a bug, or maybe it was one of those Florida gators Ivette keeps mentioning. Sounds crazy, but she says they sneak up on you when you least expect it, so I don't think we can count it out. 

It also could have been Howie's beret - we all know that thing took on a life of its own. Someone suggested it might have been a wayward fish, a little Nemo, splashed accidentally from the tank, now trying to make its way toward a tunnel that may lead back home - or at least to Ellen DeGeneres. But whatever it was, without a witness, we can't assume Michael committed the crime. Unlike the staring, which he's probably guilty of. I have to admit, I was also staring at the Captain - it's hard to turn away when someone's about to blow a gasket. Fortunately, I was able to turn away before he came after me, too.

Of course, none of this matters a hill of beans when you find out that Howie went a little too far with the farting in the Gold Room, where he was annoying Michael and Janelle, encouraging them to make out. Perhaps the Ice Clam Sundae from the Food Challenge did more damage than we thought, because his flatulence is setting records. He toots not once, not twice, but twenty-nine times in a row. Had it all ended there, maybe he could have salvaged a bit of dignity - but, sadly, number 30, which started out innocently enough, turned into a full-blown pants poop. Everything happens for a reason, as they say, and this time is no exception. Janelle and Michael are finally given some privacy when Howie rushes to the shower.

Not for long, however. As soon as Howie cleans up, he comes back, only to regale them with more farts. He's making Bunky look like an amateur. Which reminds me, where IS Bunky these days? I would love to hang out, dude. We could take Kent along, all of us could wear those sparkly blue disco shirts, hit a few of Beau's favorite clubs, and wait for tons of BB fans to recognize you and beg to sit at our table. I have to warn you, though. I'll get my share of attention, too. Name one person who would pass up a chance to cavort with a steeped-in-champagne, sequin-covered rabbit who can bust a move like nobody's business. There ain't another magnet like it.

Hoppy trails, 

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Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Monday, July 18, 2005

Cappy Was Had: Michael Not So Bad

Eric is the first one up this morning, making coffee, and as soon as most of the others are gathered in the kitchen, he makes an announcement that the girls are not to eat anything sugary after 10:00pm. "It makes you too hyper," he says. Well, that's all fine and good, Cappy, but as I recall, it wasn't one of the sugar-eating sweetie pies who lost her cool out by the pool. It could be that a certain someone should cut back on caffeine. Or steroids or whatever.

Which reminds me, since we're on the subject of Fight Night - I was so caught up in Eric getting stared at and Michael yelling things about firefighters getting shortchanged in the hose department that I completely forgot about Ivette and Kaysar continuing their tete-a-tete at the patio table. 

Soon after Kaysar stepped up to protect Michael from Eric, he returned to finish his talk with Ivy. She let him know that she felt she saved him from eviction since she "helped him come out of his Muslim shell," but that she's still unhappy with him because he didn't speak to her when he came into the house. She said, "You disrespect the women!" - and then she called him a "mother f'er."

Ruh-roh.

Kaysar rose from the table and glared at Ivette, a technique I think he learned from Michael, and BB stepped in immediately. "Kaysar, go to the hammock. Ivette, go to the corner and put on the Dunce cap, because only an idiot would try to provoke another fight when we haven't even had a chance to air the first one yet." 

That's right. CBS needs to spread these things out. What are they supposed to do now? They've already paraded Howie out in drag.

Okay, so now, this morning, BB asks the HGs to gather in the living room for the Veto Ceremony, where James unceremoniously opts not to use the Veto on anyone. Unfortunately for James, however, his loyalty to Eric isn't going to pay off for long, because as soon as the ceremony is over, Eric tells Maggie that James needs to go. "He's dangerous," says Cappy. Really? Do you mean dangerous in a "he's-sexually-harassing-people-but-not-really" sort of way or dangerous in a "he-eats-sugar-after-ten" sort of way or maybe you just mean he's dangerous because he's taller than you and might beat you up.

Which reminds me, another reason Cappy went after Michael was because he thought Michael was talking about his family. This information came from Rachel, who was eavesdropping on Michael and Janelle. I'm surprised they didn't hear her outside the door, since horses do all that clopping and snorting and tail-swishing at flies. Anyway, after Trigger got the scoop, she trotted out to Eric and filled him with an earful. Which I guess makes her a horse whisperer.

Jennifer tells James that people in the house are afraid of him in the game. "They think you are smart, and that you're really playing this." James says he is surprised to hear this since he's just having fun and getting to know people. "I hear that certain people in the house want to nominate me and Sarah because we are quiet and shy. They want all the loud ones around."

Well, Jen, you can't really blame them. I feel the same way. They make good TV. And if BB doesn't have exciting footage to show us, then we're stuck with watching "Rock Star:INXS." [Note to the Ferris brothers: Stop wasting my time. Dig up Hutchence, take him to that Australian sheep doctor, and clone him already.]

Beau lets Eric know that Kaysar asked him to calm Ivette down the other night before the fight between Eric and Michael. After it happened, "he got in my face and said, 'Didn't I tell you to try and prevent a fight?' I told him to go f--- himself, that I can't control other people's emotions. That's when he went up to Ivette and she called him a 'mother f'er' and then he lost it." 

I'm on your side on this one, Bo Bo. You shouldn't be expected to prevent fights in the house. However, you ARE expected to prevent fashion disasters from happening, and frankly, I don't think you've been performing up to snuff. First of all, are you aware that April rarely gets out of her bathing suit, even after the sun goes down? And that Jennifer scares the crap out of people [no reference to Howie intended] with those coke bottle glasses? Why aren't you doing something about Maggie's way-too-short flannel pajamas and those hideous socks? And don't get me started on what you've let happen to Howie. You should lose your license for that.

Michael summarizes the last few days for Kaysar: "Everything was coming along fine. We got you off the block. Then Jennifer perpetuates this lie. At that point, all the girls start looking at me like I'm weird. Then Sarah starts lecturing me about my big toe. How am I supposed to fix this situation? In three days?" Well, for starters, you could get out there and start staring at people again. Bite some more butts. Nuzzle some necks. Make your enemies mad enough to come after you. This way, BB will have to boot them all out. This not only helps you, it also helps me. When BB realizes they're short on cast members, they'll have to bring in some new blood - and maybe some of the blood will be cute.

Rachel tells Maggie that she doesn't think Michael is as bad as everyone says he is. Maggie says she feels awful about what they have done to him. Frankly, I'm a little surprised at you two. Maggie, you're an ER nurse. You know how important it is to make important decisions based on factual information. Would you amputate a patient's leg because some bald-headed fireman told you that some cheerleader with coke bottle glasses told him that he kicked her? And Rachel, as a horse trainer, you of all people know how innocent it is when a horse nuzzles some girl he wishes would ride him, or playfully nips at her butt because she has sugar in her pants - or a carrot, if that's more her style. 

Even Eric is backing down. He tells Jennifer: "Some of my initial judgments about Mike seem incorrect."
Jennifer: What do you mean?
Eric: Some things may or may not have happened.
Bunny: Yeah, that's what I heard, too.

It's time for that drama to be over anyway. Michael's no doubt going to exit this week, and Cappy will need someone new to go after.  Someone else who betrayed his trust, or wasn't the person he thought.

At the end of the night, Ivette decides to confide in April that she's a lesbian.
Ivette: You know, I don't have a boyfriend.
April: You don't?
Ivette: No, I have a girlfriend.
April: Really? Oh, my! Well, thank you for telling me.
Bunny: Have you told Eric? I want you to tell Eric. Right now. Before I go to bed. Come on. Please??  Consider it your chance to save us all from another evening spent with Dave Navarro.

Hoppy trails,

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Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Hyena Howie Halts Har-Hars to Hatch Havoc on House

Not much of consequence happened on Tuesday unless you count Cappy's idea that BB is going to ask him to publish a cookbook of the recipes he's used in the house. I haven't really paid much attention to the meals he's been putting on the table, but I doubt that his recipe for Roast Michael TarTare will be in the book. 

I guess I should mention that Rachel and James discussed "the fight" yesterday and both came to the conclusion that it was Eric's fault. Rachel's part in instigating it, however, never came up. Maybe she's afraid to take responsibility - they shoot horses, don't they?

Cappy did tell Rachel yesterday that he isn't in this game for the money, but for the fun. His idea of fun is pretty different from mine. I would think a fun day for him would be to take his kids camping or to the park or something, not spend it locked up in a house with an assortment of crazies and misfits. I would choose a fun day at the dentist followed by a fun evening getting run over by a car before I would choose a single day in the BB house, but maybe that's just me. Like I said, fun means different things to different people. 

Today is Voting Day, so all the HGs are up early. Each will be called into the Diary Room individually to give BB his/her vote for eviction. Michael, Kaysar, and Janelle are on the patio. Kaysar asks Michael, "Would you be offended if I didn't give you a vote? Just so I can confuse the heck out of these shmucks."
Janelle: Can't you even give him one vote?
Bunny: Yeah, isn't it bad enough that you refused to compete in the POV comp for him?

It's true, you know. Kaysar told Michael he didn't want to help him in the POV challenge. He didn't want to make himself a target for Cappy and his chain gang. So we had Howie flying around on a wire instead of Kaysar. This was good news for Howie, because he of all people certainly enjoys a good harness wedgie when the opportunity arises, but it was bad news for Michael, since Howie wanted to enjoy the wedgie for as long as possible and wasn't all that interested in finishing the comp in record time. 

Therefore, it was easy for James to sail through the air with the greatest of ease, the quickest young man on the harness trapeze - unlike his cohort in the competition, Eric, whose muscle weight kept him from moving along the wire without help from the operators of the local Tractor Pull. Take a look at Eric's head and tell me you couldn't bowl a perfect 200 game with it. The sheer size is a testimonial that steroids need not limit themselves to appendages.

Not that Eric has done steroids or anything. Someone told me that but I don't believe it. If he had, he would be suffering withdrawals from them and he'd be yelling at people and ordering them not to eat sugar or stay up past curfew and he'd be starting fights with people who stared at him and stuff like that. Nope, you'll have a hard time convincing me.

Kaysar leaves the patio and Michael mocks him about his refusal to give his friend a vote: "Oh, Michael, would you be offended if I gave you a razor blade so you can cut your own throat with it?" Janelle says she's sorry. "They planned it this way."
Michael: That's okay. It's been a fun experience [see paragraph above]. We'll see each other when we get out. Heck, we may even be the first BB couple to have a wedding. Bunny's conducting a survey.
Janelle: Yeah, but right now SHE's winning. No one cares who she marries either - they just want to see a rabbit in a Vera Wang. 

Later in the day, Howie talks strategy with Janelle. Let me repeat that: Howie talks strategy with Janelle. Not boobies. Not panties. Not how many men Janelle has let feel her up. He's talking strategy.
Janelle: If one of us doesn't get HOH, we're gone. Well, me and Kaysar anyway.
Howie: My days are numbered, too. They can control the votes if one of them gets HOH. They don't have a lot of competitive people, though - just a couple of them.
Janelle: James and Eric. If I get HOH, I might put them up instead of Ivette.
Howie: That's the best thing to do. You can't play with your heart. Use strategy.

Rachel asks Janelle to give her a makeover. Janelle takes great care in applying makeup to Rachel's face and curling her hair. She looks wonderful - a little less like Fury and more like National Velvet.

Jennifer asks James if he's hung like an elephant. "Have you ever measured it?," she asks. He answers that yes, he has. You know, this is a good example of how things in the BB house can turn on a dime. First, the biggest sexual predator in the house, Howie, is talking strategy, and now the girl who was the target in the season's sexual harassment case is talking about a HG's pachyderm-sized private parts. Don't you just LOVE this show?

Howie, sexual predator-turned-strategist, finds a moment to catch up with his secret partner Rachel. He tells her they need to go after James. "He is the strongest - he has to go. We get rid of him and we have it made."

Eric and Kaysar are in the gym. Eric says, "I did everything I could to make amends with Michael. I admit it when I'm wrong. I apologized to him and I embraced him." (Okay, now this is going too far. Sometimes the dime doesn't need to turn quite so much. I want the old Cappy back.) 
Kaysar: Look - what's that over there?
Eric: Where?
Kaysar: There in the corner. Some rabbit's staring at you. She's holding up her fingers like she's saying you have a small penis or something.
Eric: It's not going to work. She's trying to bait me. I'm a kinder, gentler Cappy now.
Kaysar: I think she just called you a midget.
Eric: Walking away now...walking away.

BB puts the HGs on lockdown while they clean the fish tank. Michael and Janelle kiss in the pool. Sarah and James strategize. James says that he hopes Kaysar gets HOH. "He will nominate Eric and Ivette," he says. After lockdown, the HGs discover that the fish tank is full of new guppies. They decide to name them typical fish names like Spot and Rover instead of using their imagination with something creative like Johnny Depp or Bunny. 

Janelle and Michael are talking about the people they know who are playing in pairs. "I told Kaysar about them," says Janelle. They have them matched up correctly except for Howie - they think he's playing with Sarah. Michael tells her he will be evicted tomorrow, but that she should expose everyone as soon as she is absolutely sure of the pairings.

In the Gold Room, Michael, Janelle, and Kaysar interrogate Howie. "Is Sarah your partner? You can tell us." Howie says he doesn't know her, but also doesn't share that he and Rachel are working together. The three clue Howie in on the pairs they know about, and Howie seems surprised to find out that Michael and Kaysar are a team, as well as Ashlea and Janelle. They tell him that April and Jennifer are also working together, as are Beau and Ivette. Kaysar asks Howie to join with them and make a pact to protect each other. Howie says he will. "I know they are going to come after me after they get all of you," he says.

After Howie and Janelle leave the room, Michael and Kaysar begin working on trying to find the codes to the safes. They know it's the only way to save Michael. Using numbers found on the Gold Room map, they try different combinations to open the vault, hoping to find an immunity from eviction. No one mentions that this hunt wouldn't have been necessary had Kaysar competed in and won the POV competition, but you know they're thinking it. It's like the elephant in the room. Not James, but another elephant. 

Rachel and Maggie cook dinner. After the meal, Ivette and April head for the hammock.
Ivette: Maggie makes me uncomfortable. I think she has a hidden agenda. Don't tell her anything.
April: Oh, I won't. You know, when you tell people you're gay, they're going to die.
Ivette: Why? Do they think we're creatures from another world?
April: Well, you're such a "girly" girl.

I'll leave you with that for a moment.

When April goes to the patio for a smoke or non-smoke, Michael joins her. He talks in circles about knowing a secret about two people in the house - that they are playing together as a team - and that if they don't go to the Diary Room and apologize for trying to ruin his reputation, he is going to expose them. Of course, he is talking about April and Jennifer, but April is clueless. She has no idea what he's saying, and he's not even talking in Serbian or Thai. It's a riddle - and in Texas, they don't really have those. Someone needs to help her out.

Bunny steps up. "April, a riddle is the same thing as an enigma."
April: What's that?
Bunny: The same thing as a conundrum.
April: What's that?
Bunny: Okay, a riddle is a question. Remember that guy in "Batman" who ran around in a green suit covered in question marks? I would totally love to see Beau in that, but the point is, that guy was called "The Riddler" because he was always asking questions. Not easy questions, like "Is it true your plastic surgeon fell asleep at the pump?" but harder questions that require you to think long and hard about the answer, like "What gives with Howie?"
April: Okay, I think I understand.                                                Bunny: Well, then, try this riddle on for size. How does Bunny travel?
April: I give up.
Bunny: By hare-plane.
April: Good one.
Bunny: Yeah, I know. Feel free to take it back to Texas with you. Get the whole riddle thing started.

Janelle joins them on the patio. Michael kisses the beautiful blonde Janelle in front of look-what-a-little-chin-implant-can-do April. Which reminds Bunny of another good riddle.
Bunny: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
April: I don't know. What?
Bunny: Locking the car door.
April: I get it. That's funny.
Janelle: Is that the best you got?
Bunny: Just trying to keep it simple. Baby on board and all that. Don't want to hit her too soon with the good stuff.

April goes to the hammock with Beau to watch the kiss fest with Michael and Janelle from afar. "They're only doing this for show," she says. "It's degrading. She's a pretty girl. She could have come in here being pretty and smart and she would have gotten respect, but she's blown it. I'm going to say that in my goodbye speech."
Beau: I do have respect for her. I think she's a great girl.
Bunny: I no longer want to pet her.  I want to BE her.

April, still confused about what Michael was saying on the patio, goes to Eric. She wants to see if he can figure it out. She thinks Michael may say something awful on the Live Show, maybe make up a lie that will harm her marriage. "He was hinting at something. I don't know what he was trying to say." Bunny tells her that she apparently didn't understand a single thing she tried to teach her about riddles. 

Eric tells Ivette and Maggie that April is freaking out about what Michael said to her. "He told her that this was the Summer of Secrets, and he knew a secret."
Ivette: He's just trying to mess with her. He's just being nasty.
Eric: What if he says something on TV? What if BB doesn't stop him? If they don't, then WE need to.
Bunny: Yeah! Now you're talking! There's the Cappy I know and love. Welcome back, man! High five!

Just before Eric announces "Lights out!," he gets Maggie alone. He tells her that he thinks Michael was talking about April and Jennifer. "He wants them to go to the Diary Room to apologize for what they said about him." (How about that? A man who can cook, beat people up, AND decipher a good riddle.) Maggie wonders if they should let some of the HGs know that they are a pair. Eric tells her not to say anything about it. "Remember what I told you: Lie, lie, lie, deny, deny, deny."

Howie and Kaysar are in the backyard planning their next move. They decide that they should let Janelle win HOH. 
Howie: I made a deal with Eric that I can't put him up this week.
Kaysar: I told Janelle to stop the dumb blonde thing and start playing to win in the competitions. 
Bunny: Hey, you wanna hear a riddle? No?
Kaysar: She should put up Eric and James, but we'll send James home. He's twice as smart as Eric.
Howie: The other side never asked me to join them. They told me I was good for a couple of weeks. I know they plan to vote off Janelle, you, then me. I'm not going to wait a couple of weeks to do something about it.
Kaysar: Can I ask you something? Is your pervert act a front?
Howie: Nope, it's real. I'm a pervert. I love panties.

Many of the other HGs are watching Kaysar and Howie through the window. Michael and Janelle are snuggling in the Gold Room. Michael wants to talk, but Janelle wants to fool around.
Michael: There are cameras everywhere. 
Janelle: Kiss me, hold me, love me, thrill me.
Michael: I want to talk about why I came to America. I shouldn't have left Europe. I'm thinking about heading to Greece after I'm evicted. Lovely scenery, wonderful people...
Janelle: I said kiss me. Then hold me, love me, thrill me, etc.
Michael: Have you ever seen the Parthenon? What an incredible and amazing sight to behold...
Bunny: Shut up, man! You're looking at a chance to score in the Gold Room on a gold-covered bed with the golden girl of the season on CBS's Gold Medal reality show. Well, I guess if you count "Amazing Race" and "Survivor" it would be the Bronze, but still...don't pass up this golden opportunity.
Janelle: What Bunny said.

Actually, what you SHOULD do is get out of bed and get back to looking for the combination to those safes, because I'm thinking the only way those of us in Internetland are going to get to see a repeat of the Dave and Amanda show (sans vomit, of course) is if you find a Key to Immunity in one of them. I, for one, hope you do.

Hoppy trails,

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Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Thursday, July 21, 2005

Nuzzler Muzzled, Kayser Puzzled

Someone asked me why I never report much about Beau. The truth is, I can't understand him. He talks so fast that it whizzes right past me before I can type any of it up. This morning he is in the kitchen with Cappy talking about tonight's impending HOH competition. 
Eric: Who will you nominate if you win?
Beau: Jillsnkoeishgl slieegha'tj, know what I'm saying?
Bunny: No.
Speedy Gonzales meets Mushmouth: Husvnsllsmawowoeouuo. Okay?
Bunny: ?
Eric: I think he said Janelle.

Apparently, Janelle asked Beau if she should hook up with Michael, and he said no because he didn't like his teeth. Now he is upset with her because she showered Michael with kisses anyway, so he will nominate her if he gets the chance. I don't understand why Beau has it out for Michael's bicuspids. I'm from the South. Around here, if you have even ONE tooth in your head, you're ahead of the game. Not that being toothless is a bad thing. It makes it sooooo much easier to eat corn.

Eric tells Beau that Michael used the same riddle on Jennifer last night that he used on April. He threatened to expose someone and that someone's alliance with a certain someone else if that someone didn't go to the Diary Room and apologize for hurting someone's reputation. "She was freaked out," said Eric. "She wanted me to walk with her down the hall to keep her safe."

Oh, for crying out loud.

First of all, Michael's not going to kill anyone on national TV. And second of all, even if he tried, James the Loss Prevention Manager a.k.a. Security Guard is right there, not to mention Cappy, Protector of All Walking Life. I can certainly understand how someone with - how do I put this delicately? - mammoth bazookas might have a fear of running from some guy - running, running, running, and then WHOOPS! - she topples over, allowing him to catch up with her and go on the attack. But I bet the most Michael would do would be to nuzzle or nip or blow a raspberry on her stomach. NOT a reason to ask for a hall escort.

While Beau and Eric are trying to sort it all out, the others begin to get ready for the Live Show. They're cleaning the house, picking out outfits, talking about the HOH comp. The time goes by quickly and Julie Chen is soon speaking to the HGs in the living room. Ivette says something about trying to be quiet, which is absurd, and Kaysar says something about how much more mature the HGs have gotten, which is the capital of absurd. Finally, the voting results are announced and Michael is evicted by a vote of 9-1, with Kaysar giving him the only vote to stay. 

To say I'm disappointed that Michael didn't find a Golden Get-Out-of-Eviction Key in one of the safes is an understatement. Cappy is back to being himself, and eventually Michael would have stared at him again or Rachel would have told him that Michael said something about his family again or someone would have tattled that Michael ate sugar after ten or didn't ration the popcorn. We would have gotten to see another fight, and now all hope of that is gone. Michael has rowed his boat ashore.

As he walks to the door, a few of the HGs refuse to tell him goodbye or wish him a safe trip to Greece. Ivette doesn't even get off the couch. April doesn't speak, and Cappy is nowhere to be found. I don't see Jennifer either, but she's probably hiding behind Cappy, fearing for her life.

The HOH competition is held soon after the eviction. The HGs line up to answer questions about each other. The person who answers the most questions correctly will win the title for the week. What a bummer. I was so hoping for a comp where people pee. You know, like when Jase peed on his Brad Pitt shoes or when Dr. Will watered the waterbed or like my favorite: when Cowboy filled his boots up ankle-high with piss and then ran around in his wet pants eating pizza. Those are always the best because it's not something you get to see in real life, unless you're at a Sigma Pi Alpha keg party, and even then, most of the people who wet themselves are passed out in the corner.

The HOH competition gets tense as it comes down to a four-way tie between James, Maggie, Kaysar, and Janelle. The four are asked to write down the number of coconuts that were in the trees during the first HOH comp. The one who comes closest will be declared the victor. 

Maggie writes down the number 911. In her line of work, it's understandable, especially since she's in somewhat of an emergency situation at the moment. Janelle writes down, "What's a coconut?" We don't know what number James put down because he's a Loss Prevention Manager a.k.a. Security Guard and he is protecting it at all costs. Eric, even though he isn't supposed to be playing the game, is on the sidelines yelling out what he thinks is the correct answer, and if everyone had stayed away from the sugar last night, he wouldn't have to be figuring it all out for them. Bunny uses her white card to write down her phone number for the camera man.

Kaysar's number is written in Arabic. Therefore, BB has no choice but to give him the win because now that Michael is gone there's no one around to translate and prove him wrong. As the new HOH, Kaysar lets everyone know that he will be holding individual conferences in the HOH room as soon as he is given a key. 

Eric is the first one to have an audience. He tells Kaysar that if he keeps him off the block, he will promise not to compete for anyone in the POV challenge. James is next. Kaysar asks him if he and Sarah are playing the game together, and James says no, that his partner had a medical emergency and couldn't come. I don't know if his partner took moisturizing and eyebrow plucking a little too far and that sent him to the ER in a dermatology panic but I do know it's been a problem for James. Kaysar says that everyone else has a partner, so it doesn't make sense that James doesn't, but James insists that he is telling the truth. Kaysar spills the beans to James that Howie wants him out. James takes this information to Ivette and vows that he will take Howie down. "He's going next," he says. 

Well, let's hope not. I don't particularly enjoy the monotonous X-rated love song Howie sings nonstop to Janelle and occasionally to Jennifer, but he's the only one who provides Fashion Fun in the house. Beau had promise, but short of one evening when he dressed up like a dancer from the King of Pop's "Smooth Criminal" video, he has failed miserably to entertain me. Plus he can't talk right. 

Ivette is next to talk to Kaysar. She says she will put herself on the block as a pawn if Kaysar will nominate Janelle along with her. (As if.) April tells Kaysar that if he doesn't put Janelle on the block, "they" will go after him next week. Beau also tries to talk Kaysar into nominating Janelle, but then says Maggie and Jennifer would be good choices.

Kaysar says he doesn't want to talk to anyone else tonight. He just wants to eat the cookies he received in his HOH basket. But before you can say "chocolate chip macadamia," Howie enters the room. "I think you should nominate James and Maggie," he says.
Kaysar: I'm afraid James wouldn't go and he would come after me.
Howie: We could get the votes.
Kaysar: Maybe I'll tell him he's a pawn.
Howie: We want the others to get scared and start fighting each other.     Bunny:  Delicious! 

He goes outside to find Janelle and get her opinion.
Janelle: I like Howie's idea of nominating Maggie and James. Eric will have to choose who to fight for.
Kaysar: Eric made a deal with me not to compete for POV so that's out, and I made a deal with him last week not to nominate him. If I nominate Maggie and she doesn't go, I'm afraid she will come after me.
Bunny: You already said that.
Kaysar: No, that was about James.
Bunny: You know, Kaysar, I've never said anything about this before, but I think that FBI hat you wear all the time is causing some problems. This show isn't "Super Spy." There's no need to take cover.

Talk about James continues.
Kaysar: I've never had a problem with James.
Howie: I like James, but he's the strongest competitor. And he was going to put one of us up had he won HOH. You may feel safe with James, but you are going to lose Janelle's support and mine if you don't nominate him.

Kaysar tells Janelle, "Everyone was trying to get me to put you up."
Janelle: Why does everyone want me out? Why do they hate me so much?
Howie: Because you're gorgeous.
Bunny: Don't hate her because she's beautiful.
Howie: You're also smart, and you hung out with Mike. They didn't like that.
Bunny: I don't think it's YOU they hate. It's your hair extensions. They're afraid of fake hair.
Howie: Right. But who isn't?
Bunny: Then there's your criminal record and all: theft, a DWI - Jennifer's been asking for a hall escort again.

Kaysar wants to call it a night - there's a new HOH robe he wants to try on, and cookies to eat. Howie and Janelle retire to the Gold Room. Everyone else in the house has gone to sleep. Bunny, however, is wide awake, tapping on the computer glass, trying to get Kaysar's attention. She wants to let him know that he forgot to make some deals to guarantee his immunity in the coming weeks, and that if he doesn't do that, well...she was mistaken - they're probably ALL coming after him.

Hoppy trails,

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Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Friday, July 22, 2005

YOU SAY P-O-T-A-T-O, I SAY P-O-T-A-T-T-O

Today is a busy day, starting with a Food Challenge, followed by Kaysar's nominations for eviction. The food comp is called "Will Spell for Food." A spinning wheel (picture "Wheel of Fortune" but without Pat and Vanna) is covered with wedges labeled "PB&J." In front of the HGs are platters of food. Each player must pick up one of the plates, name the food, then spell it. If he or she spells the word correctly, a pb&j wedge will be removed from the wheel. After everyone has played, the wheel will be spun to determine the food for the week. If it lands on a pb&j wedge, well, you know what that means. Cappy's going to explode again.

Ivette is first to play. She names her platter of avocados, then she spells the word. "J-A-N-E-L-L-E I-S A 2-B-I-T B-L-O-N-D-E H-O." "That is incorrect," says host Kaysar. "Try again." Ivette concentrates and spells "a-v-o-c-a-d-o" and a pb&j wedge is removed from the board. 

Janelle is next. Her word is "spaghetti." She asks Kaysar to use it in a sentence. Once again, without Michael around to translate, Kaysar stumbles over the meaning of the word. "How about this?," he says. "Time to go to the spa! Giddy up!" Janelle doesn't understand and she spells the word wrong. A pb&j wedge stays on the board.

James is asked to spell "ham," the word I think Janelle was supposed to get. He is successful, unlike Rachel, who must spell "broccoli." She tries to count out the syllables with her hooves and is disqualified. Another pb&j wedge stays put.

Jennifer spells "mayonnaise" correctly, but she was nervous after having been escorted to the wheel. You never know what might be hiding behind it. 

April handles "pepperoni" with aplomb, as does Beau with "asparagus," but Sarah misses "cauliflower." Eric is able to spell "marshmallow," but after doing so lets everyone know that Stay-Pufs are off-limits after ten. Maggie spells "papaya," which makes Bunny wonder why she's not in Hawaii this summer instead of writing crap, and Howie loses a wedge by misspelling "rhubarb." He still insists that it's spelled "R-U-B-O-O-B." 

All in all, the HGs do quite well - only four pb&j wedges are left on the board. But unfortunately, when Kaysar gives it a spin, it lands on one of them, forcing the HGs to moan in anticipation of a week of peanut butter. Kaysar will get to eat his HOH goodies, but when they are gone, he's on the same diet as the others.

Later in the day, Kaysar makes his nominations. He decides to take the advice of Howie and Janelle and nominate Maggie and James. Maggie is stunned. James approaches Kaysar to propose a deal. "Win the veto and take me off the block, then put up Eric." Kaysar reminds James that he has a deal with Eric. "Eric has broken deals, told lies - he's worse than anybody in here," says James. Kaysar remembers that Eric broke the Cock Block alliance, and tells James that he will go with the plan.

James admits to Kaysar that he and Sarah are a couple, and Rachel admits that she's playing the game with Howie. Kaysar tells them that they can become part of his alliance with Janelle and Howie, and that the six of them will take it all the way. 

In the meantime, Eric is yelling to Ivette, April, Beau, and Jennifer that James can't be trusted, and that they need to vote to keep Maggie. "James has something going with Janelle," he says.
Ivette: Michael got sucked in by that girl, and now Kaysar and Howie are in her grasp. PUSSY RULES! 

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is our first catch phrase of BB6. And spoken by a lesbian, too. It doesn't get any better than that.

Hoppy trails,

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Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Saturday, July 23, 2005

If You're Cappy and You Know It, Clap Your Hands

Eric and Rachel, surprisingly, aren't the first ones up this morning. Instead, a large contingent of ants are roaming the kitchen. They are everywhere - on the counter tops, in the cabinets, and, in blatant disregard of Pappy's house rules, they are in the sugar bowl. Eric and Rachel rise around 7am and begin an attempt to eliminate the critters from the area. Rachel is beside herself that people leave food out and don't clean up their messes. "When are these f'ing people going to learn?," she asks. These little ants are the only thing that seem to get a rise out of her. She's usually quiet, unanimated, and basically unconscious. Didn't Howie have any other friends? 

I don't want to rag on Rachel too much. I think she's playing well and she's nice to look at. She's sensible and organized and keeps the kitchen clean. But on this particular TV show, I'm looking for something a bit different, and by "different" I mean "behavior most typically found in a zoo." 

The same goes for Sarah. Now that the house knows she and James are a couple, why aren't they pawing each other and making us sick? I want to hear some "shmoopy" a la Jase and Holly or see James throwing chairs when Howie tries to smell her underwear. I don't care if James tries to score with a clown wig on his head - been there, done that - but can't he at least lick her or something? A little slobber never hurt anybody, and it makes great TV.

Before the other HGs get up for the day, Eric tells Rachel that James is going to be shocked at the landslide vote against him this week. Rachel, aware of the coup that she is going to take part in, just nods un-zoolike.

When Maggie gets up, she heads to the HOH room to talk to Kaysar. She tells him that she is upset that James was told that he was going on the block, but she wasn't. Kaysar assures her that he likes her and that his nomination was nothing personal. "The target is James," Kaysar says. "You are a pawn. Beau suggested that I nominate you," he says. That's right, Magster. It was Beau who sold you down the river. He didn't want to do it, but your argyle socks sealed the deal. They just don't belong in sunny California.

BB calls the POV players to the backyard for the challenge. The HGs are stunned when James chooses Janelle to play for him rather than Beau. Kaysar chooses Howie, and Maggie picks Ivette. The game involves moving around a giant chess board, and the members of Kaysar's new alliance immediately use their moves to pin Maggie in and take her out. Some of those remaining on the board throw the game to James so that he can win. He is awarded the POV medal for the second week in a row. I wish he would cash it in for the money to buy a shirt to wear to the dinner table, but I'm funny like that.

Eric catches on immediately that he has been set up. He tells Kaysar, "Look me in the eye and tell me that you're not going to take James off the block and put me up there instead." Kaysar says he can't. Eric, angry at James, yanks the cap he gave James off his head, then outs his relationship with Sarah as well as the other pairs in the house.  The phrase "sore loser" comes to mind.

Eric figures out that Rachel, Howie, and Sarah are part of an alliance with Kaysar, James, and Janelle. He asks Beau, "Do they have the votes to send me home?" "Aye, aye, Captain," says Bunny because she's already figured out the answer. Eric tells Maggie that he's ready to go.

Sarah tells Eric that he lied to her. "You told me you had James' back."
Eric: I didn't swear on my life or my children's lives.
Sarah: So just because you didn't swear on your life, that makes it okay?

That's right, Sarah. See, there are varying degrees of swearing in the game of BB. When someone says, "I swear on my life or my children's lives," it means that they are really, really serious and you should believe them with all your heart. If they say just plain old "I swear" and it's not on anything special like their mother's life or their dog's life or, in Bunny's case, Johnny Depp's life, then it doesn't mean crap. The ultimate BB swear, however, is the pinky swear, and if you break that, you can expect to have your fingers broken at the wrap party. It's happened before.

Ivette begins to wail in the corner over the turn of events. "I am destroyed! Cappy is my family!," she cries. Eric tells her to "Man up! Stop being such a pussy!" which is way funnier than he even realizes. 

After Eric throws out the names of each pair working together, April denies that she and Jennifer know each other. "Yes, we are members of the same sorority, but we didn't go to the same school. BB just put us in here to make you think we were working together. It really hurts my feelings that you think we're a pair. Why would I lie about this?" 

Ivette says the same thing about Beau. "We do not know each other. It is not fair that everyone has a partner in here to work with except me, Beau, April, and Jennifer. That puts us at a disadvantage." She continues to cry about the unfairness of Cappy going home, the unfairness of beautiful people like Janelle always winning, and the unfairness of chess being the POV challenge. I feel that I must address each issue.

First of all, Ivette, the fact that Eric is going home has less to do with James winning POV and more to do with the fact that he makes us all go to bed at 11:30 and I don't wanna. Secondly, beautiful people like Janelle do win a lot, that's true. However, when you get together for the BB6 reunion in 20 years and the boobies Howie screams for are sagging, you'll be on an even playing field. As far as the unfairness of the chess game, you can blame that on me. I gave BB the idea in another summary and I totally apologize. 

Upstairs in the HOH room, Kaysar and his new friends celebrate. Kaysar gloats about his masterful plan to take down the Dark Side. Once again, power goes to the head of the HOH. We see it season after season, and it's always the same. Let's hope BB finds a fire sale on tiaras.

The HGs are put on lockdown outside, and when they re-enter the house, they find new coasters on the table. On the back of one is a clue that leads them to a tile on the bedroom wall. When they remove the tile, they find a flashlight, quarters for the gumball machine in the living room, and a message that says, "To find a clue in the house, use this light and the hidden words will shine bright." 

The HGs are able to reveal another clue when they shine the light on the fish tank. That clue says, "The first digit to the gold safe on the right is the number of seas that are in plain sight." That could be the seas on the map in the Gold Room, or the seashells on the table, or the sea inside the fish tank....they can't figure it out. I think it's fairly obvious that BB means "Cs" and not "seas" - a direct reference to bra size, although the only C cup in the house is Howie, and I don't think the bra he was wearing was even his.

More clues come from the gumball machine:
"To open the treasure inside follow this simple guide. Turn LEFT 4 times to number ___, turn RIGHT 3 times to number ___, turn LEFT 3 times to number ___." There is no point in the HGs trying to figure out the numbers without more help. They just aren't good at math. Ask any of the girls how old they are and you'll see what I mean.

Eric tells Ivette that he knows he is going home, but he is proud that he played the game with integrity. He forgets the part about going back on his Cock Block bond, and the part about forgetting to explain to Sarah that regular swearing isn't the same as swearing on lives, and the part about trying to beat up people from Italy. He also forgot that this is BB, and no one plays with integrity, not a single solitary player -except for BB3's Jason, of course, and if he didn't, don't anyone tell me.

Howie decides to give Ivette some advice. "You need to play for yourself," he tells her. "Look out for Number One, but do your best not to step in Number Two." Spoken like a pro who's been there. Okay, maybe he didn't exactly step in it, but he sure as heck sat in it, danced in it, and wore it proudly in his pants like a battle scar.

April waits until James goes into the HOH room to make a move that she hopes will unnerve Kaysar. She asks James if he was the one that gave the second vote against Kaysar in the first eviction. He admits that he was, and says he told everyone. Kaysar says, "Not me!" April runs downstairs to report this latest development to Eric, Beau, Maggie, and Ivette. They all hope that Kaysar will turn on James now that he knows.

Kaysar asks Janelle if her feelings for Michael are genuine. She insists that they are. "With Michael," says Kaysar, "the world just stops when it comes to women. You are beautiful and he will fall for you easily. I hope you won't hurt him." Janelle says she isn't going to. "Michael says he will move to Miami," she says.
Bunny: I will, too, Janelle.
Janelle: I'm not gay, Bunny.
Bunny: Neither am I, but you're all I've got. Who am I supposed to pine over - Howie? Get real. Did you know he crapped his pants?

Jennifer finds April to discuss whether or not they should tell the others that they are playing the game together. They decide they will say they barely know each other - that they met on an audition for another reality show. After they confess their partnership, Eric asks Ivette again if she and Beau are playing together. She says no. "I think Beau and I were put together but we do not know each other. Per se." She finally admits they are partners - BB chose her when scouting out restaurants and then picked Beau to be her partner. 

Later, Ivette decides to spill the beans that she is gay. Some of the HGs are surprised while others are not. Most of them take the news in stride except Howie, who is anxious to see some girl-on-girl action. That's fine, Howie, you can watch all you want - but they're never going to let you join in the fun. I don't think I have to spell it out for you as to why, but I will: Y-O-U M-A-D-E S-H-O-O-E-Y I-N Y-O-U-R S-H-O-R-T-S!

Hoppy trails,