Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Friday, August 12, 2005

2-4-6-8, Jen Gets Kay to Take the Bait

Last week, James and Sarah were nominated by Howie for eviction. Maggie, speaking for herself and for those who support her, promised Howie and Rachel immunity for two weeks in return for keeping them off the block. Immunity from nomination, that is - not immunity in general, which you can never do when Howie is involved since no one really knows what kind of germs are spread by rampant and reckless farting.

For the POV ceremony, the painted pinatas were strung up along a wire, filled with candy, and ready to be clobbered and busted by the participating HGs: Howie and Rachel, who replaced hangover-sufferer Janelle; Sarah and Jennifer; and James and Ivette. Rachel's pinata was beautiful with a shiny coat (of paint) and a gorgeous mane of hair. Bunny handed Rachel a horseshoe for good luck as she stood by to help Howie keep the Veto power.

Sarah's doll was lovely as well, even though she had painted it with a broken heart and tears streaming down its face - a clear indication of how sad she was that she had been nominated, and also an expression of the moment she realized that her boobs will never be the same after going all these years without a bra. Don't look at me - I tried to tell her.

Because of her hangover and inability to compete, Janelle's pinata was taken down - a travesty considering how long it took to pin up all the raffia strands of hair and the fake raffia strands of hair. Jennifer's doll, after falling over repeatedly while drying against the wall, was happy to be bouncing on the wire. James' pinata had all the fingers cut off except the two middle ones, and Ivette's had "I brake for pussies!" painted on its shirt. Of course, the pants on Howie's doll had poop stains, but you already knew that.

As each of the players whacked at his pinata, pieces of candy fell out - all of which were placed inside earlier by the participants. Each was given ten pieces to drop inside any two or more pinatas of his choice. The HG with the most candy inside his doll without going over 20 pieces would win POV. Howie had wisely placed five pieces in James' pinata and five in Sarah's, but the others weren't thinking as clearly and their shared objective to eliminate James from the game was a no-can-do.

James, with 17 pieces of candy in his pinata, won the POV, and in the subsequent ceremony, removed himself from the block. Howie replaced him with Ivette. April and Jennifer saw this as an opportunity to oust Ivy from the game and began a campaign with Howie, Rachel, and Janelle to make it happen. Maggie, after having gotten wind of the plan from Rachel, talked April and Jennifer out of making the move. Therefore, James was the only one to vote to save Sarah, and she exited the house during the week's Live Show. 

I was sad to see Sarah go - after all, she was my gay fantasy backup should Janelle not be able to serve - but I'm not worried about her. She's the one most likely to get a lucrative modeling contract, or at least the cover shot of next year's Prevention Loss Management calendar.

Following Sarah's exit from the house, America's Choice was announced: the winner by over 80% was Kaysar. Michael was eliminated for trying to bite off hanging chads, and Eric's vertically-challenged supporters couldn't reach the buttons in the voting booth.

I'm truly sorry, Michael. You, too, Sparky. I guess the callers and internet clickers had seen enough neck nuzzling to last a lifetime, not to mention learned enough Italiano to travel through Venice like a pro. And Eric, I suppose you were...uh, short on votes because people were burned out on your hot-headed attitude. Many of those who carried a torch for you earlier became inflamed when you tried to cremate Michael.

As soon as Kaysar was welcomed back to his old home, all the HGs were swept into the backyard for the HOH challenge called Pressure Cooker. They were locked inside a clear glass greenhouse, each with his finger on a button that could not be released without penalty of eviction from the cage. While there, boxes were opened periodically, revealing surprises. The lid on the first one was flipped by BB at the game's onset, releasing hordes of houseflies into the air. These were particularly bothersome to Rachel for one reason, and to Howie for another.

Beau was the first one to take his hand off his button, signaling the opening of another box. It contained a martini bar, a gift for Beau - the contents of which he consumed in record time. Normally, this would result in some excellent dancing entertainment, but all we got was obnoxious rambling - even more syllable-challenged than his usual speech.

Janelle was the next to lose her grip. Another box was opened, and she was given the prize inside - a plasma screen TV and a subscription to Netflix, which she can use to rent the soon-to-be-released BB6 DVD set if she's unable to find a sugar daddy or sugar rabbit to buy it for her.

After Janelle, April was the next to go out, winning a bundle of cash - $3000 to be exact - after a box was opened. The rest of the HGs fell out of the game one by one, including Ivette, who screamed some more about the pretty people winning all the good stuff after her box contained nothing but a copy of the book "He's Just Not That Into You." After having been disappointed earlier by Eric's failure to re-enter the house, she was hoping that Cappy would pop out of the box - a good idea, certainly, but even for Eric, it was too tight a fit.

Maggie's box was filled with rotten eggs, which for most people would be a letdown, but for Maggie, who learned from her hippy commune chicken-raising days that fermented eggs can be poured over mushrooms and imbibed for an amazing far-out "Age of Aquarius" psychedelic trip, it was a technicolor dream come true. 

At the end, only three HGs were left: Rachel, Jennifer, and Kaysar. Rachel was the first of the team to loosen the reins on her button, but her departure failed to....uh, trigger the opening of a box since none were left. She was hoping to find the keys to a Mustang buried inside a container, but would have settled for anything, even a little biscuit - not a sea biscuit but a regular Pillsbury oven-baked buttermilk flaky. Alas, she left the game empty-hooved, leaving the mighty Kaysar and mini-Jenny to battle it out. 

Jennifer, begging and pleading with Kaysar to let her win, said she would agree to anything he wanted. Kaysar, bypassing an opportunity to remove himself from what I'm assuming is Muslim virgin status, persuaded Jennifer to agree to nominate Ivette and Beau and backdoor James for eviction. The deal was struck, and after fourteen hours, the HOH challenge was over. Howie placed the shiny key medallion ("Hi, yo, Silver!" shouted Rachel) around Jennifer's neck, and everyone surrounded her with pats on the back, which could have been dangerous considering her weak state.

I'm sure you'll agree with me that the girl who sat in the corner - not talking, not playing, not moving - now deserves our respect. Sure, cheerleaders are known to have stamina - not everyone can hoist a heavy megaphone while high-kicking for two hours straight - but this goes beyond that. Maybe it's the thick glasses she wears. Everyone knows what they did for Clark Kent.

This morning, Jennifer, exhausted from her ordeal, is carried to the couch by Howie, where she is covered by a blanket by Ivette, under which her hair is being stroked by Maggie and her feet are being rubbed down by April, while she eats pancakes and bacon cooked by Rachel. Poor Kaysar, in the meantime - also a 14-hour veteran - sits in a chair massaging his own back. 

Later today, after the HGs are allowed to nap briefly, the Nomination Ceremony takes place. Jennifer doesn't keep her promise to nominate Ivette and Beau, and instead puts Rachel and Janelle on the block. She does, however, tell Kaysar that she plans to backdoor James. Ivette is aware of the plan and begins to try to save James, or rather, she tries to manage the prevention of his loss. 

Kaysar chastises himself in front of Howie, Rachel, and Janelle - regretting his decision to let go of his button, while those on the internet regret their decision to vote him back into the house. Let's face it - Cappy would have gone down in flames before he would have let go of that button, and Michael would have bitten off his own finger to keep it there.

It's been a long day, so Jen's Hens pile into the HOH room for an early slumber party, while Howie's pals agonize over tomorrow's POV competition and whether or not Jennifer will make good on her plan to replace the POV winner on the block with James. In the meantime, Bunny is considering a replacement of her own: the silent but deadly Jennifer for present love Janelle. After all, Jen is a full-blown champion - in more ways than one - and Janelle wimpily took her finger off the button in the first round. Plus, she has fake hair. 

I'll keep you posted on any switch-outs, but you can pretty much bet that the Uggs by my bed will be replaced by pom poms. There's no one in the world who hasn't wanted to score with a cheerleader - why should I be any exception? So, in closing, I present to you this little cheer in Jennifer's honor:

V-I-C-T-O-R-Y
Jen hoodwinked that Kaysar guy
Pushed a button fourteen hours
Who knew tits had so much power
She's the best - she's the best
She's the best of all the rest

Especially Beau, who went out first
When his knee touched greenhouse dirt
He should know - he should know
How to kneel as if to blow

Next came 'Nell and her TV
April toppled, with mon-ey
Then fell James, Mags, Ivy, too
Rachel stayed but turned to glue

Stuck to her button until she fell
Leaving two in the holding cell
Kay's the best! - Jen's the best!
They're the best of all the rest!

But one is better so she makes a deal
"I'll put on lingerie and spiked heels!"
He says, "No, I'm too devout
Just use the power to get James out!"
She says yes - she says yes
So the key rests on her breast
It's feeling blessed, and much impressed
To rest itself on such a chest

V-I-C-T-O-R-Y
Jen's the apple of our eye
For 14 hours and maybe more
She pushed a button to win the war                                                She stood erect - n'er a toppler
Without a single thing to prop her
Who lasts longer than Diane?
Jen can do it like no one can!

Shish boom bah!  Rah rah rah!  Yaaaaaaay, Jennifer!

Hoppy trails,

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Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Saturday, August 13, 2005

Jen's Hens Want Kaysar Tasered

This morning, Rachel is the first one awake. She hoofs it to the treadmill in the gym where she takes out her nomination frustrations by running and chanting: "VE-to, VE-to, gotta win the VE-to. Win win win, veto veto veto." Bunny reminds Rachel that YESTERDAY was Cheering Day, not today - and that if she had been cheering YESTERDAY, maybe she could have rooted Kaysar on to victory (V-I-C-T-O-R-Y, Kaysar, Kaysar, he's our guy!) instead of telling him to let Jennifer have the HOH. 

You knew that, didn't you? Rachel encouraged Kaysar to strike a deal. Not that Kaysar couldn't make up his own mind, but he so admires Rachel's thoroughbred upbringing and figures she knows ...er, a bit. He certainly didn't want to buck her, either, when she had been in the house last week and knew more than he did about what had gone on in his absence. He assumed it must be okay to make a pact with Jennifer if Rachel didn't seem spooked and wanted him to saddle up and trot out of the paddock. So he foal-ded.

Not that Kaysar is blameless - if you know anything at all about BB, you know you can't trust anyone anywhere anytime. The deal he made with Jennifer wasn't thoroughly thought through. I figure that something had to happen to make him fall for such a crazy plan - maybe sitting next to Fireman Eric on the couch a few hours before ignited some sort of delayed brain cell combustion or maybe Michael bit through his ear and chewed off part of his temporal lobe when Julie went to commercial. Trust me, that stuff happens.

While Rachel continues to work out, BB plays its new theme song to wake up the other HGs. I, for one, don't like it. It's not that it's a bad song, it's just that it's a new one instead of the old one. Switching a five-year-old TV theme song breaks all the rules of good television. Somewhere in the world right now, someone is humming the theme song from "Bewitched" or "Gilligan's Island" or, in my case, "Charles in Charge." (Charles in charge ...of our day.. and our night - Charles in charge ...of our wrong... and our right...they just don't write them like that anymore.) Anyway, now that they've changed the BB song - what's next? They shoot out the eye?

The other HGs get out of bed at BB's insistance, because it's almost time for the Power of Veto competition. While getting ready, April tells Jennifer that she likes Janelle "but everything about her is fake." Let me repeat that: APRIL tells JENNIFER that everything about Janelle isn't real. Hmmm...I'd be willing to bet that NONE of them could get near a metal detector or a microwave oven without setting Mars and Pluto on a collision course. 

Lining up to compete in the Veto challenge, Rachel chooses Howie to play for her, Jennifer picks April, and Janelle takes Kaysar. Jennifer warns April that they may be separated during the game and will have to communicate with each other telepathically. You know, like E.T. Which reminds me, did anyone ever ask that little alien why he didn't tell us Drew Barrymore would grow up neglecting to shave her armpits? You know he knew it.

The HGs go into the backyard for the POV comp which involves some kind of frisbees with former HGs' pictures on them. The players have to toss them around or something and BB announces that the first one to hit Howie in the nuts wins the medal. I know it sounds barbaric, but Howie's actually the one who suggested it. Anyway, Rachel wins it, and she's so happy you can hear her neighing from a mile away.

Following the competition, Jennifer confers with the people she trusts about the possibility of putting Kaysar on the block when Rachel uses the Veto. All of them agree it would be a bold move that would shake up the house, and each one takes a part in encouraging Jen to evict Kaysar.

Maggie: I encourage you to evict Kaysar.
Ivette: I, too, encourage you to evict el diablo Kaysar.
April: Me three-bie, heebie jeebie.
Beau: slkjkbjsllllhasbsjkdasdk Kaysar.
Maggie: Bunny, what about you?
Bunny: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a darn tootin'. I just want to see someone punch somebody or have sex or score some drugs in the backyard. Or get Rachel to dance again. That was some messed up s---.

It's true, you know. Girlfriend's rhythmless. Jen tried to teach her some of those dance moves where your body parts go in opposite directions, but when Rachel tried to mimic them, you wanted to throw a blanket over her and hope no one saw you with her.

During dinner, the teams are divided at the table. On one side sit Kaysar, Howie, Rachel, and Janelle; on the other are Maggie, Beau, Ivette, April, and Jennifer. James, a man without a country, hangs from the chandelier.

Not for long, however. Ivette whispers to him that he may not be going home after all. "Jennifer is thinking about nominating Kaysar instead," she says. James tells her that it's the best move strategically, and proceeds to plead his case to Maggie, April, Jen, and Beau. 

After dessert, Maggie gathers everyone from her group into the HOH room. They call themselves "The Friendship," which sounds more like a Star Trek Fan Club than a cool BB alliance. The other side is called "Sovereign Six," which is even more stupid than "The Friendship" considering there are only four people in it. 

Maggie discusses The Friendship's next move.
Maggie: We need to boldly go where no man has gone before. 
Jen: Vote out Kaysar? The one they least expect?
Maggie: It was a slap in my face for America to send him back in here after I worked so hard to get him out. It's just like when the Gamesters of the planet Triskelion forced the aliens to do their bidding for their own amusement. America said, "F--- you!" to me, and now I want to say "F--- you!" back to them by evicting Kaysar again.
Bunny: Beam him up, Scotty.

Ivette: The Triskelions didn't want Captain Kirk, and America doesn't want Cappy Eric. How come?
Bunny: Well, the Triskies had an aversion to hydrogen cloud ionization that was exacerbated when Kirk inhabited their astrogation station. Which, ironically, is similar to Americans' distaste for the exothermic reaction induced by spontaneous combustion, a common occurrence when Eric's around. Look at what happened to Kaysar during the HOH competition after he briefly touched base with Eric. Total brain fart. Ka-boom! 

We'll see what happens. Maybe it will be like that movie "Groundhog Day" and Kaysar will get evicted over and over again. That would be so cool because who out there is not sick of Bill Murray in dramatic roles? This would force him to return to comedy. I know what you're thinking - "Groundhog's" no "Stripes" or "Caddyshack," but just be glad we're going to get him stuck in time again where he can't do "Hamlet." I shudder to think back on it.

Whatever Jennifer decides to do, I'm down for it. I would hate to see Kaysar go, but he's going to be in need of a hair transplant soon if he doesn't get out from under the stress. James may end up being the new Dr. Will - the guy you hated that turned into the guy you loved. Okay, that's a stretch, but you never know. 

If James stays in the game, he might get people fishing again. Baiting minnows is a lost art. Keeping Kaysar would be a move toward promoting world peace, not to mention membership in the Hair Club for Men. Then there's Howie - we don't want to lose him either, or even Janelle. Howie has driven up the sale of adult diapers and Janelle - well, she's Janelle - she improves the world just by walking around in short shorts. 

I couldn't evict any of them. In fact, I want Eric to come back and Michael to come back and Ashley and Leah and Cowboy and Chicken George. All of them. I want to see Holly feed Jase like a little birdie and I want to see David do his special ops monkey maneuvers and I want to hear Gerry give his "He who casts the first stone" or "I had a dream" or whatever it was speech. I miss Jesus-loving Jason who was awed by kinky Chiara who was enthralled with refined Roddy. I want to see Monica throw down, Shannon throw potato chips, and Marcellas throw the game. I love them all - each and every contestant of each and every season. And I know you do, too.

Hoppy trails,