Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Monday, August 15, 2005

Kaysar's Fickle Finger of Fate

Dear Marcellas,

There's a new Bonehead on the block. You're officially off the hook.

Just thought you'd want to know.

Hugs,

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Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Howie Rebukes, Beau Pukes, Janelle Puts Up Her Dukes: They're All Kooks!

The aftermath from Kaysar's nomination was something to behold. None of his friends could believe that Jennifer went back on her word after swearing on her life. I don't know why that surprised anyone. Cheerleaders really have no life.

No one was more upset than Howie, who decided to take out his anger on April. He dished it out big time, and she was forced to take it on the chin - not an easy task since that part of her anatomy was already a bit shaky. He called her names, and called her husband "fat," and called her dog "ugly." 

April cried, and she cried, and she cried some more, wondering why Howie singled her out to pick on. She locked herself in the bathroom, where she prayed to God not to let Howie win HOH. Most people use their moments with God to pray for world peace or world hunger or even to banish the world's interest in Brad and Jen. But she asked Him to thwart the Power of Howard.

After her talk with the Almighty, she had a word with The Friendship, which thinks they are almighty, and right now, James is pretty much looking that way. She asks them why Howie would pick on her husband and dog when they aren't there to defend themselves. I say she's right. Bring them in and let's hear what they have to say. I haven't seen a talking dog since the one that recorded "Jingle Bells."

Howie tells April that he is going to make it his mission to break her down. He holds her responsible for the deal made between the two groups. She was the one who encouraged Kaysar to go after James, and in turn, Kaysar instructed his group to follow through after his original eviction. 

This morning, Howie is waiting for April in the kitchen. When she comes in for her morning cup of coffee, he wastes no time in beginning a verbal assault. "How does it feel to be the most hated woman in America right now?," he yells. April ignores him, but Bunny raises her hand.

Howie: What is it, rabbit?
Bunny: I just needed to clarify something - you know, speaking on behalf of America.
Howie: Okay, what?
Bunny: April isn't actually the most hated woman right now.
Howie: No?
Bunny: Unh-uh. I mean, lots of people don't like her for various reasons: she lies, she goes between the two groups making promises and deals, she has a chin that doesn't move - but most of the spit being spewed right now is toward Jennifer.
Howie: How come?
Bunny: Well, she played on Kaysar's heart strings. He bought her act and gave her the HOH win. She went back on the deal her group made to get James out, and instead turned on Kaysar. Some people would say that it was a strategic move, and that all is fair in BB. Others say she crossed the line.

Howie: What do you say, Bunny?
Bunny: Well, Howie, I think people should be more focused on the irony of the whole situation. I mean, here five million people used their fingers to text message and push letters on a keyboard to vote for Kaysar, and then, lo and behold, it was a battle of FINGERS that made their vote null and void come next Thursday. And right after that, Maggie told America to "F--- off!" and that's the same thing as what? Giving them the FINGER! 
Howie: If that's not weird enough, weren't you just talking about E.T. the other day? He's been making money off his finger for years!
Bunny: That's what I'm talking about! Ironic, non?
Howie: And maybe you haven't noticed, but I lost a few fingers in an explosion a few years ago. 
Bunny: That's right, Howie. Thank you for "pointing" that out. It all plays to the theme.
April: Hey, Howie, I hope you need those fingers to compete in the HOH competition Thursday!
Bunny: April, you can't play.

Maggie tells April that she shouldn't have made fun of Howie's missing fingers. "That's getting personal," she says. April says Howie started it when he made fun of her husband and dog. True, but just like they aren't here to defend themselves, neither are Howie's fingers.

Howie isn't the only one who has reacted to Kaysar's nomination in a volatile way. Last night, Janelle and Beau got drunk and went head-to-head in a battle of words. She called him names, and he fired names back, even though his you couldn't understand. Of course, even when Janelle says things like, "You're a black bitch whore who f---s older men!," it still comes out in a lilting angelic voice. 

Why do you think Ken stayed with Barbie all those years? She was so beautiful that even when she accused him of having helmet hair and a waistline that was disproportionate to his shoulders, he stayed with her. It was only when she called him dickless that he had had enough. Sure it was true - and, frankly, people were surprised that Barbie resigned herself to an unconsummated union. It never occurred to them that that's where Midge came in.

Anyway, the tiff between Beau and Janelle escalated to the point that BB had to break them up before anyone's nails got broken. Janelle retreated to the Gold Room with Kaysar, and Beau went upstairs to the HOH room, where he threw up all over the bed. Now he knows how I feel when he puts on the pink pants.

James is thrilled to be safe from eviction this week. Rachel tells him that the only way he will win the game is if he is standing next to her, Janelle, or Howie at the end. "None of the other team will vote for you against one of their own," she says. James runs back to Ivette to report what Rachel said.

Kaysar advises his team to backdoor James if they get HOH next week. "Attack James now before the other side has a chance to bond with him," he says. "Rachel is adamant about keeping him It is a huge mistake. Howie, you should have backdoored him last week. It's the only way to get him out."

You know, I like Kaysar as much as the next guy, but so far, his advice hasn't been all that great. He's not thinking of the viewers here. Most of us are women, and we're tired of all the men getting picked off. I think this calls for a BB intervention. If James and Howie are the next ones to go, the women of America need to picket for guest appearances by former male HGs. I will be happy to submit an acceptable list. If that breaks some kind of rule, maybe BB will agree to at least hang up a poster or two of Johnny Depp. 

The HGs are all sleeping except for Kaysar and Janelle, who have decided to become night owls in order to avoid The Friendship. They are going to shower at night, eat at night, and play chess at night. This is okay with me as long as Janelle also drinks at night and fights with Beau at night, which will lead to the best part - more puke at night. It's the one thing Beau does well. 

Hoppy trails,

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Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Thursday, August 17, 2005

"Thar She Blows!"

Today is Voting Day so BB blasts music through the house to get the HGs out of bed. The Friendship are shacked up together in the HOH room and won't budge. "It's only 9:30!," yells Maggie. "Why do I have to get up when I don't vote?," complains Jennifer. BB yells at them a second time, and then a third. Personally, I think the problem is with the song. Spin a few loops of "Bunny Hop" next time. It may stop 'em cold at parties, but in this case, I think it will get everyone jumping faster than you can say "Rabbits are members of the Lagomorph family, which is divided into two groups: the Leporidae and the Ochotonidae." If they aren't up by the time you say THAT, you might as well leave them there.

April is more upset today with her game partner Jennifer than she is with Howie. Last night, Jen permitted Howie to give her a backrub. April sees this as a betrayal, and tells Maggie that she feels she is playing this game alone now. "I probably shouldn't tell you this, but I'm going to anyway. Jen made a deal with James to save her," says April. "She told him that he had to agree to vote for her to win, even over me, if she is in the Final Two." Hell hath no fury like a sorority-sister-turned-BB-partner scorned.

As the HGs walk through the living room, they notice that in place of their portraits, there are now photos on the wall of the season's competitions to date. There's Janelle shoving cake into her face, and Kaysar trying to choke down a clam shake, and Howie frying up April's dog for dinner. Okay, maybe not actually frying, and maybe not actually a dog, but you know the way things are going, it could happen.

There are also pictures of the surfboard challenge and the bocci ball comp and the frisbee toss where Howie threw Jennifer over the fence instead of a frisbee. Okay, maybe not actually Jennifer, and maybe not actually a fence, but you know the way they block the live feeds, it could have happened and she's healed already.

The HGs all study the pictures, surmising that they will play a part in the next HOH challenge. No one studies more than Howie, who quizzes Rachel throughout the day.
Howie: Which HG ate the chocolate snake?
Rachel: Jennifer.
Howie: The correct answer is: Jennifer, the cheerleading bitch whore slut who ruined the game for us. But close enough. Next question: Who puked?
Rachel: Bunny.
Howie: That's correct, but you will get double points if you answer "Beau" since he's been both a puker and a pukee.
Rachel: A pukee - one who incites vomiting by wearing pastels.
Howie: Right.

Kaysar is still insisting to Rachel that she, Howie, and Janelle should go after James if one of them wins HOH this week. Rachel says, "He is playing both sides right now, but we need to go after one of the others. He knows we are his best chance of winning the game. He won't go after us, and I'm not going to get rid of him right now. The reason Maggie's group has done so well is because they never second-guess themselves like we have."

Rachel goes on to say that she never wanted to nominate Sarah and James "and look what happened." She convinces Howie that her plan will work better, but Kaysar and Janelle still lean toward nominating James. I, for one, am just happy that Rachel is playing the game, and she's playing it hard. Remember when she and Jennifer would just sit and take up space? The quiet ones are always the ones you need to watch. I tend to forget that.

Beau interrupts the Sovereign Six Minus Three, looking for the bucket that holds his supplies. Howie tells him he threw up in it. "You know what that means," says Howie. "Whenever there's a bucket involved in BB, Bunny's going to write a song about it." You couldn't be more right, Howard. Feel free to sing along with us:

There's some puke in your bucket, dear Bobo, dear Bobo
There's some puke in your bucket, dear Bobo, some puke
'Cause you drank too much bourbon, dear Bobo, dear Bobo
'Cause you drank too much bourbon, dear Bobo, not beer
You cat-scratched my Janey, dear Bobo, dear Bobo
You cat-scratched my Janey, dear Bobo, cat-scratched
When she called you a black whore who screws old men for money
When she called you a black whore who screws old men for bucks

Then you spewed in your bucket, dear Bobo, dear Bobo
Then you spewed in your bucket, dear Bobo, it stinks
But the bed got it fir-irst, dear Bobo, dear Bobo
But the bed got it fir-irst, dear Bobo, it's stained
Not the carpet, that was David, dear Bobo, dear Bobo
Not the carpet, that was David, dear Bobo, special ops
And you puked, you didn't pee, that was Holly in her bucket
And you puked, you didn't pee, that was Holly last year
Could BE the same bucket, dear Bobo, dear Bobo
Could BE the same bucket, filled with peepee, then puke

While some of The Friendship are sunning themselves in the backyard, a plane trailing a banner flies over the house. BB orders the HGs to go inside, but Maggie gets a glimpse of the writing before she heads in. However, she doesn't understand it. The banner says "JBLO & YAPRIL AMERICA WANTS YOUR DOR." If I didn't know better, I would say Beau wrote it.

I flew one myself that said "SOME 1 PLZ WASH BDSPRD" but they didn't understand that one either, or even the one I sent last week: HEY JANLL GET REDY 4 3-WAY U ME & JNNY DEP. 

In case you're wondering, JBLO is Jennifer's nickname, according to April. She was given it in college as a memento of her sexual prowess. This would explain why Jen gulped down the chocolate snake without blinking an eye. Jennifer is upset with April for giving this information to the other HGs - but no one is more upset than Beau, who wants the nickname for himself. Little does he know, he already has a variation: Bo-blo Chunks. Kind of like Jar Jar Binks but with vomit.

Beau tells some of the HGs that he is very popular with celebrities. "People like Ludacris and Britney Spears and Paris Hilton call me when they come to South Beach where I live. I take them out to the hot clubs." Well, the next time Lucacris calls, tell him to bring a bucket.

Howie has decided to give April the silent treatment today rather than call her names. Rachel warned him that his behavior could ruin his chances of getting a job as a weatherman when he gets out. I would predict a cloudy 90% chance of him not getting any job at all. It's too bad, because he would make a great weatherman. No one has his knack for forecasting wind turbulence, although it might be Jennifer who is best at predicting which way the wind or anything else blows. I'm just sayin'.

Rachel tries again to convince James to work with their side. James says he doesn't trust anyone and needs to think about it. Rachel bursts into tears and says she is crying because Howie blew the game for her. I could make another joke here about it not being as bad as the things Beau and Jen are blowing, but I won't.

Ivette walks into the room while Rachel is crying. She stays for a minute, then goes outside to report to April and Maggie that Rachel is inside working on James. "You can't have him, bitch!," she says. "He doesn't trust your f---ing ass!" James comes out and heads for the hammock, where April joins him. She wants to talk about Howie giving her the silent treatment, and about the things he said to her before his voice box went dead. 

James tells her not to worry - that he's sure America perceives her as a strong woman who has survived Hurricane Howie.  He also shares that he has found religion in the house. "Who knew that this show made up of liars and bad people would be the thing that would bring me back to the church?" He says he will continue to read the Bible for inspiration while he's there. April's face lights up, realizing that if the Bible worked for James, maybe her prayer asking God to sack Howie in the HOH race tomorrow will come through as well. 

Beau announces to his friends that the only time he wears underwear in the house is during a competition. From the sounds of the girls squealing the other night - when they got a peek at his penis while he was showering - it may be that he can't find any big enough to fit. 

Which reminds me - I need to send another banner: BO PULL DWN UR PNTS AGN I HAVE TEQUILA. (What do you expect, people? I missed the first show-and-tell.)

One last time before bed, Rachel gives talking to James another shot. This time she lays out the whole scenario - how April told Kaysar things that turned him against James, and how when Howie got HOH, The Friendship group threatened Howie that if he didn't go after James and Sarah, they would go after Howie and Rachel. "He was between a rock and a hard place," she says. James is stunned to hear that Kaysar believed April. "I thought he was smart," says James. "So did I," says Bunny.

Janelle and Kaysar feel that it will be Kaysar going home tomorrow, and they want to spend as much time together as possible before the eviction. Kaysar: I'm glad I did the show.
Janelle: It sucks that you and Michael were kicked out so early.
Kaysar: Yeah, they really screwed Michael over.
Janelle: I think you're cute, Kaysar.
Kaysar: So are you, Janey. Even though you gained a few pounds while you were here. I hope BB puts out a Janey doll - it will come with 35 pounds of makeup.
Janelle: KAYSAR!
Bunny: That's a low blow, man. Keep it up and you may be a virgin forever.

I will be sorry to see Kaysar go. Again. But it's probably only a matter of time anyway before the Sovereign Six gets down to negative numbers. The real fun will begin when The Friendship starts turning on each other. Just like this guy I know who played flute in the high school band, but then he worked out all summer before his junior year and made the football team and then beat up the First Chair flautist during Homecoming. One minute the guys were trading verses of "We are the Vikings, the mighty, mighty Vikings," and the next someone was getting his piccolo shoved down his throat. It's going to be just like that.

 Hoppy trails,

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Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Thursday, August 18, 2005

JANELLE NEW HOH:  HELL ON HEELS

Kaysar is evicted by a unanimous vote, but in the HOH competition that follows, Janelle is able to take the key from Jennifer. After the announcement is made that Janelle will have to immediately nominate two HGs for eviction, the new HOH exacts revenge on The Friendship by placing Jennifer and Maggie on the block.  How did she successfully overpower the others in the competition? 

TOP TEN REASONS WHY JANELLE WON HOH

10. The bigger the hair, the stronger the will
 

9. It says in the Bible: "The chic shall inherit the earth."
 

8. Two words: Daisy Dukes
 

7. The number 275 was also the number of her police mug shot, therefore, easy to recall.

6. BB needed someone reliable to collect a toll for HOH vomit space and toilet prayers.

5. Contrary to popular opinion, peroxide actually INCREASES brain cells.

4. Menage-a-trois inspiration from a banner plane: JANLL IF U WIN WE'RE COMNG IN LUV JNNY DEP & BNNY

3. So we could see more of this:

2. The loser spends the night with Howie

And the No. 1 reason Janelle won the HOH:

UGGS - THE FOOTWEAR OF CHAMPIONS!

Hoppy trails,

Photos courtesy of Hamsterlady from TVCH http://www.sillyhamsters.com
 

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Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Saturday, August 20, 2005

Jen Skinned; Beau Aglow

As most of you know, CBS shut off the live feeds for most of today and yesterday. I was fine with it for two reasons. The first is that I truly welcomed the time to recover from both April's outfit worn on Thursday's live show and Ivette's, whose shirt was a cross between Star Trek and the Flying Wallenda Brothers. Lucy in the Sky with Sequins. 

Most of my recuperation time, however, was spent under sedation after being exposed to April's unfortunate fashion choice:

What. Was. That.

And to think that just the other day, we were hurling over an innocent pair of pink pants.

Right after the spots hit the screen, I was rushed to the emergency room screaming, "My eyes! My eyes!" I told the doctor that I had been watching BB and then..... "That's okay, you don't have to tell me," he said. "The show was piped into the ER and your reaction was the same as most of the staff. Many of the nurses grabbed Xanax and headed home. They were sicker than any of the patients here."

Once I calmed down, I had to ask myself: How did this happen? How does one pack something cute like a lime sherbet top side-by-side in the same suitcase with a camisole from the Fabric Freak Show? The answer was obvious.

Phone: Ring ring.
Frederick: Hello. Thank you for calling Frederick's of Hollywood. How can I help you?
April: Hi. I've been selected to go onto the BB show and I need something to wear that will go down in history as the tackiest outfit ever to be worn by any BB HG, past or present. 
Frederick: Well, that would probably be Item No. 7508, the camisole in Cha Cha Cheetah.
April: Is it purple? It has to be purple. 
Frederick: Of course. 
April: 'Cause some guy's bringing pink pants, you know?
Frederick: I guarantee this will top 'em.

Fred knows his stuff. The camisole is a slam dunk for the BB Fashion Hall of Fame. Make that the BB Fashion HURL of Fame. And to think some poor purple cheetah had to die for it.

This morning I was back to my old self when I received a telegram. It was from CBS, asking me how quickly I could get to Hollywood. Of course, I hopped on a plane and was there in no time. When I walked into the BB office, there was Julie Chen and none other than - are you sitting down? - one Mr. Scissorhands Johnny Delicious Depp. (For a minute I thought Eric was with him, but I realized it was only Deep Roy.)

Julie tells me that Monsieur Depp (he lives in France now, you know) always keeps a promise, and since Janelle won, he and I were going into the house to make good on the Bang Fest banner he sent. 

So now you know the second reason I was happy for the live feed shut-off. It was prolonged to give Willie Wonka and me a little privacy in the HOH room. Beau tried to join in, promising us a lollipop from his Chocolate Factory, but we were interested only in Janelle. 

Of course, she couldn't say no. Johnny had brought carrots along for me, but the carats I brought to Janelle came in a blue box. Diamonds are a Miss Superworld Superbike's best friend. Our menage-a-Gilbert-Grape was short and sweet - Johnny had to rush back to the set of "Pirates of the Caribbean III-XXVII." (Disney knows a jackpot when it sees one.) 

It was nice to see Janelle snap back to her old self after Johnny left. We were all disappointed at her unladylike behavior when she won HOH and mouthed off to Jennifer - but you'd be cranky, too, after being locked up in the house this long with no lovin'.

I was out the door soon after Johnny. I gotta tell ya, the place stunk. I don't want to blame it on any one thing but it was Howie. Seems he also has a crush on Johnny Depp and the shock of seeing him walk through the door - well, let's just say that the weatherman whipped up a big, black nor'wester in his britches and I was the victim of fallen debris. But that's life. One minute you've got Don Juan DeMarco tending your secret garden and the next you've got you-know-who fertilizing the firmament.

I'm sorry it took so long for the feeds to come back on, but I had to do exit interviews and all that. Unfortunately, my appearance on "House Calls" will be brief tomorrow. Gretchen and Marcellas aren't going to turn over a whole half hour to a smug rabbit fresh off a rendezvous with a superstar. Especially after the plunge in ratings from that ceramic talking gnome. So don't blink or you'll miss me.

After I left the house yesterday, the HGs competed in the POV challenge. They walked into the yard to find huge cardboard pictures of themselves with the mouths cut out. After donning hockey shirts, those competing (Janelle and Howie, Jennifer and April, Maggie and Ivette) were given pucks and hockey sticks. Individually, the players scored points for knocking the pucks into the mouths of the cardboard faces, probably making it Ivette's first time to get pucked. Anyway, Janelle won the game and was given the POV, which she later used in the Veto ceremony to remove Maggie from the block and put up Ivette in her place.

The theory behind this was to assure that James and Beau would vote to evict Jennifer, which they did, and Jennifer was expelled from the BB house with only a vote from April to stay. Another HOH comp took place immediately - a question and answer session that, unfortunately, took another bite out of the Sovereign Minus Twenty to the Ninth Power alliance. 

Julie: Okay, HGs, are you ready? This first question is so easy that I don't even know why I'm asking it. But here goes: what are the numbers on the bedroom wall? You know, the 3-17 that you've been staring at for the last two months and is no doubt burned in your brains for all eternity and there's no way any of you will ever forget it ever ever ever?
Howie: 175600475892811--9839201010573?
Julie: That is incorrect, Howie - you are out of the game. Next question: Who barfed?
Beau: Me.
Julie: That is right. One point for Beau.
Beau: Thslkeljalsdkbjsdkj, Julie
Julie: You're welcome, Beau. Next question: How many.....
Rachel: One
Julie: That is incorrect. You answered before I completed the question, which was "How many times did Howie fart on Johnny Depp?" The answer was "infinity and beyond." Next question: Who barfed?
Beau: Me.
Julie: That is right, and Beau, with two points, you are the new winner of HOH.
Bunny: Does this mean he'll put the malt liquor down and finally start playing the game?

The nominations are held today, and Beau nominates Howie and Rachel. The two nominees begin plotting some way to keep both of them in the house. They figure out a plan to have Janelle play for Veto, which they hope she will win and use to save both herself and Howie. Then, if all goes well, Beau will put up James in her place and they'll promise Maggie and April the moon to vote to evict James. 

In the meantime, Ivette is cautioning Maggie and April not to vote against James if he is put on the block. April says she may have to - that his staying in the game serves no purpose to anyone except Ivette. Ivette is upset by this, and asks Maggie to explain to April the reasons why James needs to stay this week. Ivette is working the game hard, as are Maggie and April, while our new HOH hunts for leftover bottles from his martini bar. 
It's all enough to make your head spin - so tough to follow all the plans. But what do I care? I swapped spit with "Cry-Baby" Walker. 

Hoppy trails, 

Photos courtesy of Hamsterlady from TVCH http://www.sillyhamsters.com
 

IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM THE BUNNY:

Beginning with the summary for Sunday, August 21, all bits o' Bunny will be emailed to Bunny Fun Club members until more web space is found.   They will be posted here at that time.