Bunny's Live Feed Highlights for Saturday, July 9, 2005

Maggie's Mellow; Beau's in Yellow

(1) Howie was officially the first male to "choke his carrot," as they say. Contrary to what he thinks, this doesn't get him automatic entry into Bunny's Fan Club. 

(2) Eric and Maggie have figured out that Sarah and James are a pair. Sarah and James have figured out that Ivette and Beau are a pair. Janelle just figured out that Ashley and Lea are not.

(3) Beau went prep on us today. Yellow polo, collar up. That's all. Just thought you'd want to know.

(4) It always takes Michael a moment when he wakes up to figure out what country he's in. This morning, he thought he was in England ("'ello there, lads!") and then Mexico ("There's my chiquita Ivette!") and then Italy ("I'm dying for some lasagna!"). I think someone should put a pin on the Gold Room map for every country his imaginary train stops in.

(5) The Power of Veto competition was held today with Rachel and Maggie working together, Kaysar and Eric, and Ashlea and Howie. Rachel won, so we can look forward to a boring POV ceremony. Maybe Beau will liven things up by dressing like a Mexican cantina or April will bring out the Sparky the Dog pants.

(6) Jennifer still thinks she's Woody Woodpecker. Somebody shoot that bird already.

(7) In the beginning of the game, Sarah thought Janelle was a drag queen. She has since changed her mind, but a few Vegas bookies refuse to let go of the idea.

(8) Ivette never stops talking. She commands the room and dominates every conversation she's in. None of the other HGs can ever get a word in edgewise. She earned a degree in Communications sometime ago, but unfortunately, "Listening: The Most Important Tool" is a course that was only recently added to her alma mater's program.

(9) Beau gets paid a lot of money to go to clubs with his entourage and "be fabulous." He also gets paid a lot of dough to shop for Miss Florida and other clothes-less people. He travels the world and hangs out with celebrities and drinks nothing but the finest champagne. And yet, he signed on to lock himself up on a soundstage for three months eating pb&j and listening to Ivette. Am I missing something here??? 

(10) Maggie is a modern day hippy whose motto is "Live and let live." She scolds the others when they get too catty and says things like, "You are all welcome to join me in Maggie's world. It's a serene and peaceful place to be." 

Hmm. I think I'll have what Maggie's having. 

Yeah, right.

Hoppy trails,

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Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Friday, July 8, 2005

Ivy Hates the Beauties; Lea's Got the Cooties

Eric the Fireman aka "Cappy" (because he's the Captain at the firehouse) is the first person awake this morning. He heads to the kitchen where he makes coffee and some peanut butter on toast. Half the HGs are on the pb&j diet after losing the first challenge in the backyard. Two teams competed in a basketball toss, and Cappy's side lost. He did his best to lead his team to victory, but, alas, his experience with tossing people through blazing windows didn't translate to tossing balls through a hoop. 

Rachel joins him and they talk about what they miss about home. Eric misses his kids, and Rachel misses her dog James Brown. The fact that Eric misses his family makes me like him, and the fact that Rachel named her dog after the Godfather of Soul makes me wonder if there's any chance BB might let her bring the mutt into the house, because I bet he can dance like a sumbitch.

Eric/Cappy: Howie says he wants all the girls out.
Rachel (Howie's secret partner): He's just trying to get to the end of the game. You and I should bring him in with us.
Eric: I think we should evict Ashlea over Kaysar this vote. Ashlea just doesn't get it. She started crying when she was nominated. You can't lose your cool like that.

Yeah, it's not like Boogie tried to crawl in your bed or anything. And it's not like anyone threw potato chips at you. Or used your toothbrush to scrub the toilet or held a knife to your throat. Sheesh, girl, you wouldn't have lasted a day in BB2.

Of course, you can cry all day and I don't think it will help. Kaysar is darn handsome, with that cute dimple and all. And he's honest and respectful and kind. Plus, he's on his knees praying to Allah most of the day. Nobody wants to mess around with that. I would say you're hosed, Ashlea, but I'll ask Cappy to be sure.

Eric is the one who decided that all the guys should form an alliance. Kind of like another Steroid Horseman pact. After the others wake up, he approaches Michael and Kaysar to confirm the deal. Michael says he doesn't think it's going to work out with James. "He doesn't like me. I don't know why, and I don't care." Eric tells him that James is just staying away so they aren't seen as being a part of a "cock block." (And, thus, the name for the all-male alliance is born. Cock Block. The best team name in BB history.) 

BB puts the HGs on lockdown and sends them outside. The girls put on their bikinis. Beau puts on long, baggy, neon orange shorts. Someone find the foil phone and tell Beau to pick up. It's the coach from Syracuse University. The Orangemen's center wants his uniform back.

Kaysar and Janelle go upstairs away from the others to play a game of chess. 
Janelle: Can people on the internet see everything?
Kaysar: I don't know. I'll have to ask someone.
Bunny raises hand.
Janelle: Can they hear us right now?
Kaysar: I don't know that either.
Bunny waves hand wildly.
Janelle: I wish I knew.
Kaysar: Me, too. 
Bunny puts hand down, deciding that knowledge gained is best when worked for. Or, in this case, not exactly worked for but more like learned after you get out and you find a link to this site in your email.

Ashlea makes the rounds to try and gather information as to how everyone is voting. She is also trying to find someone to compete for her in the Veto Challenge. No one wants to. Janelle tells her that she doesn't want to mess with Rachel's nominations and make her mad. Michael tells her that she needs to ask Howie because it could be a physical challenge. Howie doesn't want to do it because "it's too early to use the Veto - it puts a target on my back." Howie darling, I hate to be the one to mention this, but you had a target on your back the moment you made a stinky in front of Julie Chen.

James and Sarah are a couple in love. They are pretending not to know each other, and Sarah tells James, "It's so hard. I'm used to being affectionate toward you, and I can't." She looks around to see if the coast is clear, then plants a kiss on him. She says, "I love you," and he says he loves her back. Somebody grab the clown wig. You know the time is coming.

Ivette, Eric, and Beau meet in the hammock to discuss strategy. They say they are going to stick together and get rid of Ashlea now and Janelle later. Ivette can't stand either of the women because they are always primping and "they think they are the hottest things on the planet." Hold on there, Ivy. You are gay, after all, and BB offers one lucky couple a romantic dinner as a reward sometime during the game. If you play your cards right, you could be sitting across a candlelit table from Miss Supersomething Superwhatever.

I don't know, maybe you're not attracted to girls with Topple Tits. You know, the ones whose plastic surgeon fell asleep at the pump and woke up just before the meter hit "Explode." The poor girls end up with boobs way bigger than their heads, and the heavy weight often causes them to lose their balance and tip over. It's a burden for anyone who dates them always having to stop to pick them up. It's no secret that that's what broke up Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson.

I don't believe I've mentioned Maggie yet. She's an emergency room nurse. BB finally got wise after all the neck slicing and hooter leaking and post-sex regurgitating and put some medical personnel in the house. No doubt she'll be instrumental in diminishing the damage caused by Topple Tits accidents.

Michael lets everyone know that he grew up abroad, mostly in Italy. He has traveled the world extensively. "I've been everywhere, man!" He speaks lots and lots of languages and has mastered lots and lots of dialects in the lots and lots of countries he has visited. That's quite an accomplishment, wouldn't you say? I think it deserves a song.

I've been everywhere, man,
I've been everywhere
Crossed the desert bare, man
Breathed the mountain air
Traveled everywhere, man
I've been everywhere

I speak Dutch and Span-ish
I do accents, too
I'm the only houseguest
Who knows twelve words for "shoe"
Blimey, I can't help it
Je suis too cool pour vous

Now I'm in this house, man,
Breathing Howie's air
I could be in Par-is
Eating an eclair
Instead I'm in this prison
Performing for a hare

I don't know too much about Jennifer yet. Other than that she's a cheerleader who likes to practice high kicks in the backyard and she likes to flirt with the guys ("James, I'm the kind of girl who likes to pamper her man.") and she has this "What was that?" type of Woody Woodpecker laugh that comes out of nowhere. I also know she's a snoop who pilfers through other people's drawers. Rachel caught her rummaging through her things in the HOH room but decided not to report it. She may be sorry when she sees a couple of her thongs up for sale on Ebay.

Sarah asks Beau to share a fashion tip. "Red is the new black," he states with conviction. He's wearing a red t-shirt with his oranger than orange shorts, a color combination that I deem appropriate only in Mexican restaurants. Of course, if the red shirt is really a black shirt, then we're looking at a Halloween costume.

Eric and Beau caution Kaysar to start socializing more with the others if he wants to stay in the game. "You can't be hanging out with Janelle, playing chess upstairs away from the others. She dug herself a hole because she doesn't participate. We had a Jacuzzi meeting and she stayed in bed. Don't hang out with her - stay in the group activities." They tell him he is safe this week because Ashlea is just like Janelle. "She came into this house not talking to anyone. That's why she got nominated."

Ivette tells Michael that Ashlea is "typical Fort Lauderdale trash." I'm not sure what that is exactly. Is it different from Tampa trash or Boca Raton trash or the trash from Amelia Island? It's embarrassing when you think you know your trash and you find out there's more to it than just knowing Christina's on a higher rung than Britney. 

Beau decides to play beauty salon with Maggie, putting her hair up in pigtails with cute red ribbons. Too bad that Maggie's not five, getting ready for her first day of kindergarten. I dare her to show up in the ER with that hairdo. What am I saying? Long blonde pigtails, bows, and a tight nursing uniform? She would probably get a raise.

Ashlea says she can't find anyone to fight for the Power of Veto for her. "Howie says he will throw it. He won't try to win it for me."
Janelle: Why don't you sleep with Michael to try to get him to win it?
Ashlea: I'm not going to do that. It would be "How I Spooned My Way to Win."
Bunny: Hey, it worked for Alison.

Ashlea talks to Michael again about helping her. Michael tells her he will compete in the Veto challenge if she wants him to, but he doesn't want to go against the wishes of the majority of HGs. April joins them. 
Ashlea: I'm not in this for the money. I just want to stay a few weeks and have fun. 
April: I know, I know.
Ashlea: When Rachel got HOH, I didn't want to kiss her butt.
Bunny: That's a shame. Everybody knows that if you don't kiss the HOH's butt, you can kiss your butt goodbye.
Ashlea: I'm in an environment I'm not used to, so I've been guarded. But people know I don't want to go home.
April: Everything happens for a reason. I know it sucks, but if you go home, there's a reason.
Bunny: I'm going with Allah.

Jennifer and April go into the bathroom to compare game notes. They confirm that they are working together as a pair. April says, "If we don't get to the end together, I'll share the money with you if I win alone." Or just hide it in a drawer. She'll find it.

Hoppy trails,

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Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Thursday, July 7, 2005

Horse Breeder Rachel "Reins" as New Head of Household

I don't like any of them. Not a one of them. At least not yet. Even Michael, but that could be temporary, depending on whether or not he shaves. I've never been a fan of haphazard chin hair. 

This is supposed to be the "Summer of Secrets," not to be confused with BB3's "Summer of Secretions" featuring one houseguest's problem with leaking silicone. Fornication between two of the occupants was the highlight of BB4, the "Summer of Sex Rats." Copulation, however, was followed by profuse vomiting, so I guess we could bill it as the "Summer of Secretions, Jr." Take your pick.

This year might be the "Summer of Secretariat." Rachel, the horse breeder, was the first out of the barn to win Head of Household. She nominated Ashlea, the girl with two names in one (Ashley+Lea), and Kaysar, the guy with one name but it's weird.

Anyway, Rachel seems to be a thoroughbred, ready for the race. It's unfortunate that some of you will probably begin to make comparisons between HER teeth and those of.....well, Seabiscuit...but that's only because people tend to resemble their pets after awhile. It's the power of positive pet thinking. It's pet transference. It's picturing her time after time standing next to a horse and before you know it, you could swear she's the one neighing. Rachel is a pretty girl, so I wish for her sake her pet had been a canary. 

The secrets are already being let out of the bag, like the fact that there's a secret room. The HGs found it, and it's gold. Not just mildly golden, like chicken nuggets, or a brassy yellow green gold like Brad Pitt's new hair color, but gold like the lady dipped in paint in that James Bond movie. Gold like the inside of Fort Knox which I've never seen but I bet this is what it looks like. It's the perfect pad for Austin Powers, or even P. Diddy. 

James from Atlanta and Sarah from Chicago are working together in the game, and James has figured out that the two of them aren't the only ones. (So there goes that secret, too.) We already know that Michael and Kaysar are a team, and probably Secretariat and Howie. 

Speaking of Howie, he announced on national TV during the season's premier that he was about to pass gas. That didn't surprise me. He's a weatherman - it's his job to forecast impending wind turbulence.

Howie has been spending the last four days coming on to all the girls. "I can't figure out why these ladies don't like me." he says. "Maybe because you farted on television," says Bunny.

Beau the Personal Shopper walks around with a cell phone made of aluminum foil. He talks to invisible people on it. I wish he would make an invisible phone call to me. I would tell him that I'm still waiting for him to show us that "sense of style" he told us about. So far I haven't seen it. Tonight he's wearing beige capri pants. The only man I want to see wearing pants like that is Johnny Depp, and only if he's a pirate in the Caribbean.

Michael and Kaysar are on the patio talking about their shaving techniques.
Michael: You need a different kind of razor, Kaysar.
Kaysar: What do you like, Mike?
Michael: I'll show you. I brought a whole stack, Jack.
Kaysar: Are they Gillette, pet?
Michael: Yeah, I'm hoping for a deal like Colby got. On "Survivor" he got screwed, dude.
Kaysar: But didn't Tina buy him a cycle, Michael?
Michael: All I'm saying is, if I don't win "Big Brother," then I want an endorsement deal from a razor, buddy.
Kaysar: Kaysar. You mean "razor, Kaysar."
Michael: Tired of the rhyming game now.
Kaysar: Got it.

Speaking of "Survivor" winner Tina Wesson, one of the HGs bears a striking resemblance to her. April, the newlywed, looks like a cross between Tina and Lisa Kudrow, the woman who played Phoebe on the TV show "Friends." She seems to have Tina's sweetness about her, too, but, like Phoebe, she may have a warped fashion sense. Tonight she's wearing pants covered in dalmatian spots. Now that's just wrong.

By the way, I need to clear something up. That silly rumor that Michael and Kaysar are bumping boots is not true. Michael isn't in love with Kaysar. He's in love with Michael. I thought I was going to be in love with Michael, too, but that was before Miss Superworld Superbike walked into my life. 

You know, Ivette the lesbian said she didn't want people to think she was gay because it was the cool thing to do. I, for one, had no idea it had become the "in trend." I certainly have no intention of letting it pass me by. Therefore, let it be known that Bunny is temporarily jumping on the Butch Bandwagon and is dedicating herself to the lovely Janelle. You can't blame me, girls. Have you SEEN her? Spend just one hour watching her on the live feeds and you'll be signing up to march in the next Gay Pride parade right alongside me. Me and Janelle.

Janelle likes to swish her hair when she talks. Miss Superworld Superbike Superswish. After the show, when she and I hook up, I'll have to talk to her about that. She also chews on her sleeve. Again, we'll talk. Then there's that annoying habit she has of pursing her lips. Hmm. Maybe I should rethink my love. Go back in time to the days when I was hetero. Because after all, the only bothersome thing about Michael, other than hair growing where it shouldn't be, is that he tends to break out into different languages and accents.

During a chess game tonight with Janelle, this is what I overheard.
Michael: Skibble do qui mishka ying ix-nay don bolero.
Janelle: What's that?
Michael: Oh, sorry. I slipped into some Croatian there. Mixed with a little Bengali, Italian, and Pig Latin.
Janelle: Cool. Your move.
Michael: Well, I say there, chap. I need to give this pawn some bloody thought.
Janelle: Fine. Just make your move when you're ready.
Michael: Day-o, day-ay-ay-o. Daylight come and me wanna go home.
Janelle: That's enough.
Michael: Got it.

James, Beau, and Ashlea are having a powwow in the Gold Room. Beau begins to share a boyfriend story or two, during which James begins to play with a long chain necklace of Ashlea's. "Hey, guys, look what I made," he says. I'm not saying he's uncomfortable around gay men, but why else would his necklace art take the shape of a uterus and fallopian tubes? At least he was creative. It would have been much simpler to make tits.

Most of the girls are gathered in the HOH room. None of them want to go to sleep in the room where Howie is. "I can't stand it in there," says Ivette. "Howie's always farting." (Told ya, dude.)

Rachel has discovered the secret spy screen in the HOH room. She lets Ivette in on the secret and they flip the channel around to the various rooms. During their time alone, Rachel says that she nominated Kaysar for eviction because she doesn't really know him, and that she picked Ashlea because she never came to talk to her. "I'm HOH, so she should have tried to do that." I agree. She should have shown up at the HOH door bearing oats. I mean gifts. 

I know - I need to cool it with the horse jokes. But that's all I've got for Rachel. Maybe tomorrow she'll give me something else. Until then, however, I'm going "Mr. Ed" all the way. Goodnight, Wilbur.

Hoppy trails,

Want to watch past seasons of BB?  Buy them here at AMAZON.COM, where Bunny buys all her carrot cookbooks, Bunny Hop cds, and movies starring Hardy.....er, Harvey!

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Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Sunday, July 3, 2005

Three Little Fishies and Some Houseguests, Too

Boop boop ditty ditty watta. Shoo.

I'm getting reports that the players in this year's season of "Big Brother" entered the house today. Unfortunately, the one camera turned on them  is set up behind, and filming through, an aquarium. Therefore, the only verification we have that the houseguests have truly moved in is the occasional glimpse of someone's pants as he walks by the fish tank. And since the view is diluted, we can't even tell if the pants are designer or Dockers.

I will need more to go on. Someone email me if you see one of the residents put his open mouth to the glass and make that face where you blow out your cheeks. Fish love that, by the way. They think they see an escape tunnel through your teeth and then try to make a wild dash through it to freedom. Nothing more hilarious than watching a bunch of loser goldfish bang up against the tank, trying to get out. Kind of like when BB5's Marvin tried to bust out the door last year. Not that he's a loser, but his feet did kind of smell like trout. 

I'm just reporting what I heard. Even Julie Chen said they had to burn down the old house because of Marvin. That's why the only job he could get was working with dead people. People who no longer have a sense of smell.

But Marvin is history. Let's hope this year's crop of gamers are just as interesting. I'm already hooked on Michael in a BB3's Roddy sort of way. According to his bio, he appears to be intelligent, well-traveled, and talented. If it turns out the rumors are true and HE'S hooked on fellow houseguest Kaysar - well, when have you ever known Bunny to back down from a challenge? Granted, I gave up on Hardy years ago, but that was different. His muscles meant more to him than I did.
 

This year's BB has a big twist: all the HGs have been paired up to play the game, and each couple has been told to keep it a secret from the other HGs. So, each of the players thinks his/her team will be the focal point of the show. How funny is that? One has to be a bit narcissistic to even go onto BB in the first place, but what better way to feed the egos of these attention hounds than to say, "You're the star, baby!" 

Not to worry. When they find at the end of the game that they didn't have top billing, and that subsequently, they don't have a three-picture deal waiting for them at the exit ramp, there will always be a part for them in Cowboy's "so popper."

I've heard that Kaysar and Michael live in the same apartment building, so they are most likely playing together. Kaysar is a Muslim. He prays twenty or a hundred times a day. (I hope he doesn't hold up the challenges.) 
His name means "Head of Kings" - I'm guessing he's going to be another tyrant like Jee from BB4 if he gets Head of Household. I hope so. Without a BB1 Chicken Man or a BB5 Cowboy type for comic relief, we're going to need a Jee. (By the way, Jee, Burger King called. You didn't get the job, but you can still keep the crown.)

It's already common knowledge that houseguest Beau is supposed to be this year's Marcellas (BB3). He's bald, black, and bonkers for boys. I bet he's already been coached to adopt an inanimate friend to talk to, like Huck, the plastic shark Marcellas carried around like a baby. At least that thing had a face. Who was the chick that talked to a watermelon?

It appears that Beau (real name: Milton) may be working as a team with Ivette, who, like Beau, is from Miami. Ivette is a lesbian who refers to Jessica Simpson as "my wife" (Good! Does that mean I can have Nick Lachey?) and one of her favorite movies is "Blow," which I think would be more appropriate on Beau's list of favorites but what do I know? She also likes to wear "cha cha" heels - again, it says "Beau" to me, but maybe she'll have some on hand in the house and the two of them will go all Scissors Sisters on us. 

At the very least, we might get some salsa dancing if Ivette works up a little choreography with fellow Latino Jennifer. Jen's dance moves couldn't possibly hold a candle to BB4 Robert's Rico Suave samba. She's a Dallas Desperados cheerleader so that means we'll get regimented shish-boom-bah moves and lots of high kicks and cartwheels. That won't do a thing for me but it'll make Ivette's day if Jenny-girl forgets to put on underwear.

I think Jennifer's playmate in the game may be April since they're both from Dallas. April is a newlywed. I have my paws crossed that she's spending her honeymoon in the house a la BB2's Nicole. That makes for some excellent drama, especially when you're accused of playing footsies in the hot tub with another HG and your new hubby wubby sends a plane to fly a banner over the backyard to warn you he's sitting in front of the computer watching the live feeds. 

April is also a pharmaceutical rep which means she might have her own drugs available in case of a breakdown when she sees a banner that says, "I yo' daddy! Not that hotshot doctor who wanna open a restaurant with Booger!" and she won't have to ask BB for something to dull the heartache.
 

James from Georgia is a political science major and a major conservative. His favorite quote is: "The snake that can not cast his own skin perishes. So too with those minds which are prevented from changing their views: they cease to be minds." That tells me that (1) he wants everyone to think like HE does, and (2) he believes in skinning rabbits. I don't know who James is paired up with in the game, but it should have been Ted Nugent.

Eric is a firefighter. A firefighter named Eric. Where have I heard that before? I'm not going to dip into watered-down fireman humor this time, though. Especially since the first Eric (BB4) had the better hose.

It could be that this year's Eric is playing the game with this year's nurse. Maggie is her name, and she lives in Las Vegas where she works in an emergency room, just like Willie from BB5. Maybe it IS Willie from BB5. The rumors are flying that Maggie had a sex change, and I certainly haven't seen Mr. Winkie lately, have you?

Of course, if I were a guy wanting to be a girl, I'd want to be houseguest Janelle. Miss World Superbike. Who doesn't want to be Miss World Superbike? That's better than BB4's Alison, Miss Southwest Corner of Pittsburgh. Plus, she's a cocktail waitress. Who doesn't want to be a cocktail waitress? I don't know about you, but having access to unlimited jello shooters would be my idea of heaven on earth and then some. The "then some" being getting to bend over tables and shake my hooters at unsuspecting traveling salesmen.

Houseguest Ashlea is a fashion design student. That means we can count on lettuce bikinis for Janelle and maybe some tomato thongs for Michael. She was also in the movie "Justin and Kelly." I'm not sure why anyone would put that on her BB resume unless she was sure that producer Alison Grodner was one of those people who voted heavily for Justin Guarini during his "American Idol" stint. Which reminds me, raise your hand if you think we'll see our old pal Justin on a future season of "Surreal Life."

Rachel from Colorado is a horse breeder. That means she knows how to ride. Michael is a stud. You can take it from there.

Meteorology student Howie likes everything to do with weather. He likes tornados, thunderstorms, icicles - you name it. And it's a good thing, because he's going to have a lot of time to study the clouds while he's locked up in the house. I bet we get lots of lessons on cumulus formations and evaporation and condensation. It's cloud illusions he'll recall, and I'm glad, because I really don't know clouds. At all.

Sarah is a retail manager from Chicago. That's it. That's all I got.

So there you have it. The folks in the house. Let's hope they're not stirring up too much drama yet. They may not know to wait until the live feeds come on so that their antics are reported accurately. Or, in my case, not exactly accurately, but close enough. 

Hoppy trails,