Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Sunday, August 28, 2005

"Caio Bella Janella!" 

James is the first one up this morning. He discovers that, in Rachel's absence, the ants are marching one by one (Hurrah! Hurrah!) all over the kitchen. Ivette soon joins him and they complain about Janelle's sloppy habits. She leaves her apple crisp dishes and ice cream bowls in the sink for someone else to clean up, and never assists in wiping down counter tops or the kitchen table.

"She's a slob," says James. "Her stuff is everywhere. She needs to go home." He is heavily campaigning to get Janelle evicted in order to keep himself in the game. I don't get it. Did he SEE that green dress?

In the HOH room, Maggie and April turn on the spy screen to watch James and Ivette in the kitchen. They talk about whether Ivette should go before Beau, or Beau before Ivette. April wants Beau to stay in the game, but Maggie thinks she could win easier if she were standing next to Ivette at the end.

The HGs are called into the living room where BB announces that the winner of America's Choice for a phone call is Janelle. Ivette begins to sob uncontrollably, wailing about how unfair it is that Janelle won yet another prize. Get used to it, Ivette. If you want to see a brunette win, go back to Cuba.

Janelle chose to receive her phone call from former HG Michael. I'm not sure which accent he used but I think it was a cross between Episcopalian and Chinese. Even so, I could still understand him better than Beau.

April: There is no way America voted for Janelle to win that phone call. Bunny, maybe - but not all of America. I bet BB fixed it so that I wouldn't backdoor James. They are sending me a sign to evict Janelle. But I'm sticking to my plan.

Ivette continues to cry - and cry and cry and cry some more - about the unfair vote. April tells America to have sex with itself. "Why would they give a phone call to someone that's going to call a guy she's known for two weeks over me, a newlywed?" Bunny raises her hand.

April: What?
Bunny: The answer is fairly simple really. You see, BB watchers have never understood why a new bride would leave her new groom so early in the marriage. You're still supposed to be all lovey-dovey and "you're my shmoopy, no, you're MY shmoopy" and stuff. That's why they jumped on Nicole back in BB2. That, and the fact that Hardy liked her better than Bunny, but I digress. 
April: So I'm too fresh from my honeymoon?
Bunny: Exactly. America figures if you would hightail it to the BB house so soon after your nuptials, you must not care about Hubby all that much - so why should you get a phone call from the guy you ditched to parade around on TV? In a ruffled bikini, I might add.
April: I see.
Bunny: Besides, we couldn't wait to see where Michael rang from. There's been a rumor flying around that since he had been everywhere in the world already, he left the BB house for Pluto. Of course, he'll come back as soon as a couple of aliens accuse him of sexual harrassment.

Beau tries to comfort the still-sobbing Ivette, encouraging her to try to win the next HOH and use her power to put Janelle on the block. "America just did it for the drama," he says. You're so wrong. Bobo. America just misunderstood BB's request to vote for a HG to receive a phone call. They thought BB said "pub crawl," and they couldn't vote for you because you'd throw up. So they decided to vote for Janelle. She's as good a drunk as you but without the mess.

James approaches April about her plan to backdoor him. "If you do it, it means that Howie and Janelle won. I hate them both and really don't want to leave before they do." April reminds him that he is a strong player who consistently wins the POV.
 

Later tonight, Howie asks James if he will invite any of the cast to his wedding to Sarah. "I will invite the ones who didn't try to evict me," he says. That doesn't leave very many people, James. You might want to consider inviting former HGs from prior seasons - like BB3's Gerry, for example. He'll give a good speech at the reception, and he'll do it in stylish shorts and black socks. Or consider inviting BB3's Lori. You'll need someone around who will make sure the guests wash their hands before eating your scrumptious wedding cake.

I think you should also include Josh, also from BB3, because everyone loves a good butt-spanker at a wedding. Seat BB5's Marvin next to Howie at the reception to see if they can out-boobie talk each other, and put BB3's Lisa next to BB5's Lori to see if we can tell them apart. I'm sure you already know to seat Drew from BB5 next to Bunny, with Season Three's Jason on the other side and BB2's Hardy in her lap.

Don't put Season Four's David and Amanda next to each other. I don't wanna see that stuff again. Ditto for BB5's Jase and Holly. She'll be feeding him the birdseed out of the net favors. And watch the flowers around BB2's Krista - she's liable to ship them all off to Boogie. For that matter, watch the Nyquil around her, too. Not that there's usually any lying around on a table, but some old lady might have a few swigs left in a bottle in her purse.

I know you're going to invite Ivette, so if it happens that she and Dana from Season Four are at the same table, please - whatever you do - put my place card as far away as possible. Those two can talk the kernels off a corn cob, and together they could take out a whole field.

I don't think I have to tell you not to let Beau dress the wedding party. Sarah will end up in a fuschia veil and you'll be the first non-French groom to get married in a beret. Let BB4's Erika dress you instead. She'll have the bridesmaids in polka dots, and who doesn't love a spotted procession? And get Jun to string together some lettuce and tomato lingerie for the wedding night. It's sexy AND good for you. Combining sex and nutrition is not just a trend.

It's important for you to realize, though, that many people in America are of the opinion that Sarah shouldn't marry you. So don't be surprised if there's a banner flown over the church before the ceremony: RN FORST RN. I know it should say "Sarah" instead of "Forest," but it's cheaper if you buy one pre-made. 

Try not to let the banner discourage you. Now that you're going home, you'll be out of the running for the prize money. Hooking up with Sarah will be a matter of survival. We all know she's going to get an offer from Playboy, and I hear they pay pretty good. Once she's your wife, you may even be able to retire and do a little fishing.

Hoppy trails,

----------------------------------------------------------------------Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Thursday, September 1, 2005

James In Flames; Gay Pair Flare Up

During Monday's Veto ceremony, April used her power to take Janelle off the block and put up James. Knowing his goose was cooked if he didn't turn the house against Howie, James woke up early every day this week to put his campaign to stay into high gear. He worked diligently to get Janelle's vote, and he clued Ivette in on the fact that Maggie and April are working as a pair. 

Meanwhile, Maggie and April are convinced that Howie and Janelle will nominate Beau and Ivette if either of them wins HOH tonight, keeping their alliance intact for a while longer. This morning, they hide behind the nomination chairs in the living room to discuss their strategy. James discovers them. So does Bunny.

Bunny: Peek-a-boo!
April: Oh, please. Not you.
Maggie: Out, white spot! We're talking here.
Bunny: You're also trying to hide. I hate to tell you, but James knows you're here.
James: Yeah, I know you're here.
Bunny: Did it ever occur to you two to ask ME for a good hiding place? I'm a bunny, you know. It's what we do. 
April: Well, it's actually YOU we're trying to hide from.
Maggie: Yeah, April's already dressed for the Live Show, and she knows you're going to let her have it over what she's wearing.
Bunny: Well, somebody's gotta do it. Just look at her. Hot pink sequins, for crying out loud! It's my duty to try and save the world from the fashion impaired. They're an affront to humankind. Or at least the humankind of New York, Paris, and Milan.

During the Live Show, the HGs give their vote in the Diary Room. James is evicted by a unanimous vote. Sarah isn't there to greet him when he exits, but the Devil is.

Satan: Dude. High five on the Bible swear. Way to try to renege on it.
James: I felt bad about that. But I found religion right after. So it's all good.
Satan: Not so fast, Bait Boy. There are no take-backs in Bible-swearing. You're mine now.
James: Bait Boy?
Satan: The eyebrows. Go a little easy on the tweezers, will ya?
James: Do they have those in Hell?
Satan: Do you really have to ask? 

James: Well, I guess I'm ready to go. You coming?
Satan: Nah. I have to wait around here for the others. 
James: Really? What did April do?
Satan: Got caught praying at a toilet.
James: Right. Maggie?
Satan: She hooked up with a fireman. Hell hates firemen. 
James: I bet. What about Beau?
Satan: Pink pants.
James: Good call. And Ivette?
Satan: She's a lesbian. As long as a Republican is in the White House, the gays are headed for Hell.
James: Howie and Janelle?
Satan: Well, God won't give me Janelle. And actually, we don't want Howie. Even Hell has its limits. 

After James leaves, the remaining HGs gather in the backyard to bowl for points. The person with the highest score wins HOH. Howie takes the prize, and April graciously passes him the key. Immediately, he is told to nominate two people in the first of two evictions this week. He chooses to put Ivette and Beau on the block. Ivette because Howie's a Republican and Beau because he's dressed like Justin Timberlake circa 2002. With the hat and everything. I'm not kidding you.

As soon as the Live Show cameras are turned off, Ivette flops down on the bed for another good cry. They are pretty standard of late. In fact, I think she has officially surpassed BB2's Autumn and Nicole as Biggest BB Crybaby. Or at least tied.

Ivette says she will control who gets the money, and Janelle is not getting it. Maggie says that Janelle is only there to be on TV. "Why don't you talk to Howie about getting rid of Janelle since she can beat him at everything? Is it so wrong that I don't want to hear her voice anymore?" she asks. She also says that Howie won HOH because God didn't want the Friendship to have to vote against each other. "I thought God wanted us to win," says Ivette. "What is the plan for us?" 

Sisters of the Friendship, let me assure you that God has no part in this reality show or any other. However, Satan has no other plans and insists on waiting by the door. Which reminds me, watch out for the flames when you exit. Where's Cappy when you need him, right?

April: I am tired of Janelle leaving things all over the place. Sometimes I just want to take a knife and slit her throat.
Bunny: Been done already. BB2, in fact.
April: What?
Bunny: I said the whole throat-slitting thing. Been there, done that. Justin threatened to slice up Krista in Season Two. Got himself booted for it.
April: Well, how about electric shock? Anyone done that?
Bunny: Don't think so.
April: Any shootings? Hangings? Tramplings or earth-shattering explosions?
Bunny: Well, if you don't count Howie - no.

Beau finds Howie in the HOH room to encourage him to turn against Janelle. Howie's not having it, and later he tells Janelle about what Beau tried to do. He also says that he considers Beau a bigger threat than Ivette, and that he wants Ivette to be evicted if she doesn't win the POV.

Maggie tells the rest of the Friendship that it is time to play for themselves. What's that? God has given you permission to vote against each other now? I should have known the Almighty would be a BB fan. It's so "Daniel in the Lion's Den" meets "Sodom and Gomorrah." Anyway, go, God! And thanks for stopping by. I heard there was going to be a visit from a special guest, but I was expecting some lame former player from BB5 or something.

Janelle joins Howie in the HOH room, but leaves her things in the Gold Room. Maggie and Ivette pilfer through the items as April and Beau look on. April encourages Beau to destroy some of Janelle's personal property, but he refuses. Instead, they hide some of the things under a bed.

Bunny: Peek-a-boo!
April: What are you doing under there?
Bunny: What do you think? I'm showing you eggheads a better hiding place for your next strategy session. I bet even the internet couldn't see you under here.
Ivette: Well, get out. We need more room for Janelle's stuff.
Beau: Seslibhsoijings.
Maggie: Yeah. What Beau said.
Bunny: How 'bout I just take Janelle's things with me?
April: Still got a crush?
Bunny: Nah. 
Maggie: Ebay?
Bunny: How'd you guess?

Hoppy trails,

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Friday, September 2, 2005

Good Golly, Miss Holly! They Sure Like to Bawl!

The HGs are awakened to the theme from the Looney Tunes cartoons this morning. I realize that it's an appropriate song to play considering that the house is full of crazy people, but I personally have a problem with it. It only serves as a reminder that Cousin Bugs, now an icon in the Cartoon World, turned his cotton-tailed back on our family when he became a star. Once in awhile he sends a few carrots our way, but for the most part, he's much too busy writing scripts with Elmer Fudd and fighting for star billing with Tweety. At least he was able to get a good catch phrase. "What's up, Doc?," even though similar to "Whaddup, Kaysar?," is truly a classic. I give him props. (Bugs, call me. Seriously, man.)

Howie came up with "Whaddup, Kaysar?" not long after the HGs moved in. It was fine for awhile. I even said it a few times myself. But the guy's been gone several weeks now, and Howie still says it. I’m just not about saying "Whaddup?" to someone who's not even there. Granted, I frequently have conversations with Hardy, Drew, and Johnny Depp that they can't hear, but that's just love for you. I'm not in control. 

Catch phrases should be something that can last for weeks, months, or even years. "Whaddup, Kaysar?" was doomed for a limited run. It’s only directed at one person rather than, say, “Whaddup, Doc?,” which would have covered the whole medical profession. That’s how Bugs got it going on, and why he’s making the big bucks today. Howie should have at least tried to aim something at meteorologists as a shout-out to his peeps. Something like “Whaddup, Gusty?“ would have pleased weathermen everywhere and, frankly, I’m surprised Howie didn’t think of it since “gusty” rhymes with “busty” and “busty” is one step away from “boobie,” his all-time favorite word.

BB5's Four Horsemen had "Yee-haw!" which is still uttered on ranches all across the country, and BB2's Monica adopted "It's on!" which I yell to this day every time someone asks me to turn on the television. BB3's Danielle knew what she was doing when she put "Scandalous!" out there, because with people like Paris Hilton running around, we get to use it a lot. 

BB2's Krista came up with "Love means never having to say you sliced me" but it never really caught on.  I don't know why.  Same with BB4's Scott's "Got disease?"  For a minute I thought Jennifer had a good one with "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!" but since most people don't have a problem with toppling, I realized it would never make it into popular vernacular.

Janelle gave us "Howie, you're such a beefcake!" which is an excellent catch phrase for two reasons. One, because Janie said it and that's reason enough - and two, because you can use it in any season just by changing out the name. Had it been around in preceding seasons, Lisa could have used it on Eric, both Chiara and Marcellas could have used it on Roddy, and I could have given it a real workout from BB2's Hardy all the way through to this year's - well, no one this year, but you get the point.

Of course, the real reason Janelle says "beefcake" all the time is because it irks Maggie, who's a vegetarian.

The HGs go in and out of the bathroom this morning, getting ready for the upcoming POV competition. Maggie says that the only thing that will save her in the game is if she wins the Veto challenge. "I just hope the competition is fun today," she says. It will be, if when you think "fun," you think "former HG caked in three feet of makeup whose voice could peel the rubber off your tires," but more about that later.

Janelle walks by and Maggie says, "When you have to spend that much money to look good, and you still don't, you have a problem." Ivette says that she wants to take all of Janelle's things and burn them. She also doesn't want to be left in the Sequester House with Janelle or Howie. "I might drown them," she says. Which, of course, is impossible. Howie has enough buoyancy in his store-bought pecs to keep him afloat for days, - and, as witnessed by the fact that she’s still in the game, nothing can kill Janelle.

Before the POV competition, Ivette and Beau decide they should talk to Maggie about sending April home. “If one of us gets taken off the block, April goes up, and it will be good for both sides if she leaves,” says Ivette. “But she’ll cry,” says Bunny. “No more than I will if I go,” says Ivette. “Then you need to boot Beau,” says Bunny, “because even though he may throw up on his way out the door, one quick swipe of the mop takes care of it. With you two, the Kleenex bill is going through the roof. There’s even a rumor that Kimberly-Clark is using the soundstage next door as a makeshift plant to keep the tissues coming.”

The HGs gather in the living room to prepare for the POV competition. While waiting for their signal to go to the backyard, the door opens and in walks BB5’s Holly. (Guess I spoke too soon yesterday.) She looks the same as she did last year but with more mascara. LOTS more mascara. MEGA HUGE amounts of mascara. Just for you, I was able to snap a photo.

Sorry, wrong one. Here it is:
 
 

She’s dressed as a Vegas Black Jack dealer in a short black uniform and fishnet hose. Egad. I thought we had seen the last of fishnet when Jun left the house at the end of BB4. I know the producers hate me, but forcing me to stare at fishnet again means war.

Anyway, the HGs go outside to find a giant craps table with two oversized dice, one of which contains time phrases like “Week One,” “Week Two,” etc. and the other has action phrases like “Was Evicted” or “Won POV.” Holly instructs each HG to roll the dice to see which words come up. They then must match a HG to the combined phrase. If “Won HOH” is rolled along with “Week One,” the players have to answer “Rachel” to get a point.

April rolls first. The die “Week Three” shows up along with the die “Was Crying.” Everyone who answers “Ivette” gets it right, as does everyone who answers “April.” 

Maggie rolls next. The die “Week Seven” comes up along with the die “Was Crying” again. Everyone who answers “Ivette” gets it right, as does everyone who answers “April.” Holly gets permission from BB to remove the “Was Crying” die from the game since it works with any and all weeks and is just giving easy points.

Janelle rolls next. Her dice say “Week Four” and “Was Eating.” Everyone gets a point by answering “Janelle” except Janelle, who didn’t think she really got busy on the apple crisp until Week Five.

Beau is the next to throw the dice. “Week Three” and “Crapped Out” turn up, but the only one who gets it right is Maggie, who answers “Howie.” 

So Maggie wins the game, and is subsequently awarded the POV medal by Holly, who thinks she really IS in Vegas and that POV stands for the Plain Old Vapor they pump into casinos to keep the gamblers awake. Last year’s attempt by the BB5 HGs to convince her that oxygen isn’t really pumped into casinos apparently failed, which is understandable since Holly tends to function on Plain Old Vapor herself.

I’m just kidding. Holly was one of the best characters that BB has ever cast. I wouldn’t mind seeing her in an All-Stars version, laughing that laugh, meowing those meows (remember, she thought she was a cat), and feeding grown men like baby birds. Men whose four-letter names she couldn’t spell in mustard on a balogna sandwich. Yeah, I miss Holly. Kind of like you miss a bad tooth. It hurts while it's around, but when it's gone, there’s an empty space there.

Before the POV ceremony, Maggie tells April that using the Veto to take Beau or Ivette off the block would be the most strategic move for her to make, even though it would mean that April, her new partner, would go up for eviction. April cries buckets, sending the plant workers next door into double shifts. 

I don’t want to get into a whole Norma Rae thing here, but April needs to consider these people's plight. Maybe start using the HOH bedspread to wipe her snot.  After all, Beau already ruined it. Or maybe she could ask BB to bulk up the tissue supply with some soft Puffs. A little product placement competition never hurt anybody.

Maggie heeds April’s tears and decides not to use the Veto, leaving nominees Beau and Ivette on the block. They are the last pair in the game, but tomorrow one of them will go home, making it impossible for anyone to win a million dollars. Considering the cost of tissue overhead, CBS must be relieved. 

Hoppy trails,

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Saturday, September 3, 2005

Nothing Can Stop the Duke of Hurl

Since this is a Double Eviction week, the HGs gather in the living room to vote and say goodbye to another player in the same manner they did two evenings ago. Beau and Ivette are both on the block. In Eviction Wear, Ivette has chosen to abandon her Disco Vulcan style for something a little more subtle (if you can call fire engine red subtle) with plans to pull out the sequined V-necks again if ever there's an opening of a new Star Trek Studio 54. 

Unfortunately, Beau wishes to leave his stomach-unsettling mark on the house - and on Bunny - by preparing to exit the show in a pale blue shirt and his signature pink pants. Memo to Beau: YOU ARE NOT AN EASTER EGG. 

Second memo to Beau: Please remove the pillow from your crotch. I've seen what's there and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

One by one, the HGs go into the Diary Room to cast a vote against Beau. As he leaves the house, traffic stops, electricity goes off, and birds collide in the air. Little old ladies fall to the street, all victims of heart palpitations after spying Beau. Okay, maybe some of them are toppling from mammary weight - it doesn't just happen to young people, you know - but medical attention is required for most of them as a result of the salmon slacks. 

On his way out the door, the others hand him the HOH bedspread as a memento of his expectorate escapades. He thanks them, excited to have an accessory that's a perfect match to his puke-colored pink pants. 

Ivette cries for a bit after Beau shuts the door behind him (natch), but quickly recovers in time for the HOH competition. It's another Q&A session, this time involving questions about this season's BB contestants.

The players listen intently as host Julie asks the questions.

Julie: Which HG has lost the most weight in the house?
Maggie: Shut up. I don't want anyone talking about that. It has nothing to do with the game. Don't anyone answer. I mean it. It has nothing to do with the game. It shouldn't be an issue, because you know it has nothing to do with the game. Julie, you shouldn't have asked that question. Take it back and ask us a question that has to do with the game.

Julie: Okay. Next question. Which HG who is still in the game has lost the most weight?
Maggie: The answer is me, and I look FABulous!
Julie: That is correct, Maggie. You get one point. 

Julie's next question is an easy one. "Who just left me scarred for life?" The answer, of course, is Beau, and everyone gets it right.

Julie: The next question is, "Why was Holly here?" No one knows the answer, including Bunny, so no points are scored. 

She goes on to the next one: "I'm not kidding, does anyone know why Holly was here? Seriously?" BB tells her that's pretty much the same question she just asked and that she needs to move on to another one.

Julie: Would it have been too much to bring in Hardy? Or maybe Drew? He's already on the lot doing some weird blog for CBS - how hard could it be to drag him to the set tonight? Or even Jack? We could spin him around in a chair again and watch him fall down. A lot of people love that stuff.
Bunny: Or where's Jason? I can never get enough of Jason. 
Julie: I'm surprised to hear you say that, Bunny. I thought you would be thrilled to see Holly. After all, you seem to have a penchant for pretty blondes.
Bunny: I didn't go gay until this season, Julie.
Julie: I see.

Noticing how upset Julie is, BB announces that the game is over and declares Ivette the winner. She's the only one who hasn't been HOH, so it's only fair. Excited about her win, she runs around the backyard, but not naked like Howie. No one wanted to see that, with the exception of Rosie O'Donnell and maybe Anne Heche depending on which way she's swinging these days.

Ivette is also happy to get her HOH basket, which contains - GASP! - a stuffed rabbit. Yep, you heard me. She followed one of Bunny's most explicit rules, so that deserves kudos and an endearing photo.

Let it be known that from this moment forward, Ivette gets my vote. I don't know what we're voting for, but I'm on her side whatever it is. Even if she pees again in the backyard, or calls someone a terrorist, or cries from now until Christmas - she's my girl. No matter how much it hurts.

Hoppy trails, 

BB Photos courtesy of Seamonkey and Hamsterlady from TVCH http://www.sillyhamsters.com/