Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Monday, July 25, 2005

Smile, Though His Fart is Breaking

Cappy's crew began yesterday morning discussing their favorite Disney movies. Beau love, love, LOVES "The Lion King" which is weird for a fashionista if you ask me because none of those cats wore any clothes. Ivette adores "Nemo." This is a better match since we know for a fact that most fish are gay.  And Eric likes "The Little Mermaid," which is kind of funny since right now he doesn't seem to have a leg to stand on and neither did that mermaid.

Yesterday was Sarah's birthday. She dressed up prettily in a blue and white frock and heels and walked outside to do a birthday twirl for those who were sitting outside. They all wished her a "Happy birthday!" except for Maggie, who put her feet on the only vacant chair to keep Sarah from sitting down. The day before, when James won the POV, Sarah tried to hug Maggie, but Mags pushed her away and said, "Don't touch me!" (I thought Maggie was a hippy. Whatever happened to "Peace, man!") Anyway, someone noticed that Sarah had a rip under the arm of her dress, and she was unhappy about it since it's brand new. Now that I've learned the truth about hippies, maybe we should check Maggie's bag for scissors.
 

The HGs were given pizza and cake in lieu of pb&j in honor of Sarah's birthday, but Maggie was a bitter party guest as was Eric, who headed to the gym as soon as he downed his pizza. It reminded me of a kid's birthday party where the jealous kids who don't get any presents act like brats. Or maybe it was more like when one kid gets picked last to play "Pin the Tail on the Donkey" and she's dumfounded because she never saw it coming and then another kid is shocked to find out his mother is coming to pick him up from the party much earlier than he expected. 

April and James got into a fight last night. Not the kind of fight where someone that was in your Cock Block stares at you and then you leap from your chair to wipe the glare off his face, but more the kind of fight where someone says you're insecure and it hurts your feelings. April pretty much cried the entire night. James pretty much didn't. 

Early this morning, April tells Eric that she is out to prove to the others in the house that she is not weak. She's not talking about her chin, which used to be weak but now it's not. She's talking about the fortitude she's gained to play this game. She says she is glad that Eric "busted this place wide open" by revealing the partners. "If I'm going down, everyone else is going down with me!," says Cappy.

April says she will be ruthless. Her mantra will be "Keep your friends close but your enemies closer." Unfortunately, that mantra has already been taken by Howie, with somewhat of a variation: "Keep your friends close but your friends closer so you can fart on them." People, I couldn't make this stuff up.

The Veto ceremony takes place and James uses the POV to take himself off the block. It's no surprise to anyone when Kaysar replaces him with Eric. After they disband in the living room, Sarah approaches Eric and he tells her not to talk to him. (Shouldn't his mother be here by now?)

Eric gets his gang together to plan their next move. "I'm going to be voted out of here, but the rest of you can turn this game around. Just fight fire with fire. Don't burn any bridges. You can't let this game go up in smoke, so if you feel like you're burning out, just fan the flames again and burn their asses to a crisp." He didn't actually say that, but he should have. You know all the firefighters of America have been waiting for it.

Howie is talking to Rachel on the couch, doing some strategizing. They are both members of Kayser's Tasers, I name I'm giving them because they shocked the heck out of the other side. Howie thinks that James and Sarah will be put up on the block if anyone in Cappy's group wins the next HOH. "They will want to split them up before they go after us," he says. In the middle of their conversation, Beau plops down beside Howie and begins to grope, rub, and pick at Howie's face. Very zoolike. Rachel, take note.

April and Jennifer come to the decision that they will play both sides, throwing HOH and standing back to watch the two opposing sides duke it out. Hearing this should put all those cheerleading naysayers to shame. This is a strategy that Jennifer obviously learned from attending so many football games.

Forget what I said yesterday about Rachel not taking part. The girl has been a quiet fly on the wall for a reason. She likes to take in information from everyone and then use it to her advantage. Again, it's a trick she learned from a sport. Not that cheerleading is a real sport but I don't know what else to call it except a waste of a grown woman's life. Anyway, Rachel's technique is exactly what horses do, or rather the flies on horses. They sit quietly on a stallion's back, waiting for the perfect time to bite. And they get by with it, too, until they're shooed away by the swish of the horse's tail, or, in some cases, by whatever is coming out of Howie's.

So Rachel, now a player for real, tells Kaysar that Eric shouldn't have expected to stay long if he insisted on telling everyone what to do. She says that she was glad when Kaysar got HOH because she knew he would shake things up. "The game had to be played," she says, "and you played it big time."

No one thought Kaysar had it in him. We all thought he was content to wile away the days playing chess or sitting mute in the corner, waiting for his turn to go home. But then when he won HOH, a change came over him, and I think it's no secret that it's all due to the hookah.

Yes, the hookah. Kaysar's crazy waterpipe. BB has given him permission to smoke it for a week, and I do believe it helps him to think more clearly. For those of you who have never seen one, I can only describe it as a mix between a peace pipe and a bong. Here's a picture of one:

Only that's the caterpillar from "Alice in Wonderland" in the picture and not Kaysar, even though sometimes his eyebrows remind me of caterpillars, which is the total opposite of James' eyebrows which remind me of minnows and give me the urge to bait a pole and head for the creek. It goes without saying that Alice is the beautiful Janelle except for the dress, which is the exact same one Sarah wore on her birthday with the rip under the arm, and that's why Alice/Janelle is hiding behind the mushroom - you know, so you can't see it. 

Beau and Ivette are in the hammock, planning their next move. "I am playing it off that we aren't that close," Ivette says. She tells Beau that she can't nominate James if she gets HOH. "He thinks he did me a favor, saving me from nomination this week." Beau says he still plans on going after Janelle. "I wouldn't want to put out Kaysar, but we may have to because he's the leader."

In the Gold Room, Kaysar has gathered his warriors. Rachel is adamant about forcing Jennifer and April to take a stand. "Tell them they have to vote for Eric if they want to be left alone for two or three weeks," she says. And then Sarah steps out into the light with a plan. "If we get HOH, nominate Maggie and one of us. Then tell Ivette if she fights for Veto, wins it, and takes Maggie off, we will put up Beau. Tell April the same thing about Jennifer. They will leave Maggie there to keep us from nominating one of their partners." 

Ivette and April come up with a plan to blackmail Howie into voting to keep Eric. They tell Beau to get in bed with Howie and get him aroused, then offer to give his Willie a hand jive. Afterwards, Beau is to promise Howie that he won't tell anyone as long as Howie votes their way. Beau says he is willing to give it a try. 

Of course, since all of us would see it anyway, this won't help Eric in the least. The only person it benefits is Howie. And maybe Beau if Howie plays fair and, you know, returns the favor. And I suppose it also benefits Bunny, who hasn't had a good romp to write about since the Sex, Disguise, and Vomit tape of BB4.  It sure would beat the heck out of writing about Howie's farts.

Hoppy trails,

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Bobo Makes a Booboo

Eric and Rachel are the first ones out of bed as usual. Eric tells Rachel that he will add her to the list of people who are allowed to tell him goodbye at the door on Thursday. "I don't even want James to get up," he says. "He wore my hat, and he knows what that means to me. How much more can he screw me?" I don't know - I think that pretty much covers it, E. 

Maggie is the next one up. She spends some time with Eric planning the strategy she is going to use if Eric is indeed the one evicted this week. "I think I will nominate Kaysar and Howie if I get HOH," she says. Eric tells her she should put up Kaysar and James so that one of them will go home. He gets all boohoo whiney baby on Maggie, telling her he's not going to speak to either of them at the wrap party, and how they didn't play fair, and how maybe he should just burn down the BB house or something. 

Now hold on a minute, Mr. Fireman - no need for that trash talk. It's one thing to cry about how you ended up on the losing end of the BB game, but it's quite another when you start threatening arson considering your past stance on playing with matches. I'm sure you were only kidding, seeing as how if you actually set the house on fire, you would be duty-bound as a firefighter to save every HG's life, and I don't think wrapping James up in a blanket and carrying him to safety would sit well with you right now. 

Maggie says that Ivette kissed James last night, so now she and Eric are questioning her loyalty to them. Ivette told them she did it because she was "keeping her enemies close." Not in a Howie way but the regular kind of close. Ivette joins them on the patio. Eric gets her to tell Maggie her plan to have Beau seduce Howie. "I don't want any part of that," says Eric. Nope, the Captain learned his sexual harassment lesson the hard small-penis-midget way. 

Kaysar wants to do some planning with James. James says, "This week is over." Yeah, I'm sorry, Kaysar, but it's almost time for you to descend from your throne. No one can be on top forever. Just take Tom Cruise, for instance. One minute he's the Golden Boy of the Movies, and the next he's going all cuckoo on us, jumping on chairs and choking Oprah and getting braces on his teeth at the age of 40. 

Kaysar tells James that he wants to give Jennifer a chance to turn on April. He calls her into the HOH room and lets her know that if she doesn't vote to keep Maggie, she will soon be nominated. "I will put this into terms you can understand," he says, "2-4-6-8, here's who we appreciate: Mag-gie, Mag-gie, MAGGGGGIE!!!" Jennifer gets the message and agrees to cast a vote tomorrow to evict Eric.

Even though the house is on pb&j, Kaysar is allowed to eat his HOH food. He's hungry for something substantial, like a chili dog or a whopper or something, so he goes to the refrigerator to look for the meat he was given by BB. When he gets to the kitchen, he discovers that someone left his meat out on the counter all night. He thinks it was a tactical maneuver by someone who wants him to get E Coli or heartworms or ants building a colony in his throat. He is upset and goes to the Diary Room to demand that BB look at the tapes to find the culprit.

I don't know who it was, but I hope it wasn't Janelle. If past experience is any indicator, it will take three years to bring her to justice. It could have been Maggie. I know she's a vegetarian, so who would put it past her to sabotage a slab every now and then. But I have to say that my money's on Beau. He's been looking for warm meat ever since he got into the house. 

Kaysar also reports that someone used the toilet in the HOH room and didn't flush. "It was gross," he says. Hmm, no clue on this one. Unless maybe someone let Savage back in.

Rachel tells Ivette and her pets that she and Howie will swing to their side if they aren't nominated next week. She shares this with Howie, telling him that she did it because she thought it would buy them safety for awhile. Rachel leaves to feed the fish and April joins her at the tank. "You know," says April, "when we get out of here, we'll have time to think about things we could have done differently." You said a mouthful there, girlfriend. Your first mistake, of course, was to come into the house in the first place. Your second was your decision to leave any semblance of a swimsuit coverup at home.

Eric tells the group that he enjoys running around naked at his house. "My wife tells me to close the curtains so the neighbors don't get a free show." I could say something here about this being the perfect opportunity to find out if Michael was right, but I'm not going to. Instead I'll just say that I think running around naked in your own home does not violate any sort of fire code, especially when you're not the least bit hot.

It's time for Howie's workout in the backyard. Beau starts the ball rolling on the plan to seduce Howie in order to gain a vote to keep Eric. When Howie bends over to retrieve his barbells from the ground, Beau jumps on his back. Howie tosses him off like a gay porn ragdoll and tells him that he has crossed the line. How could Beau know, though? Earlier Howie was calling him his "little Bobo" and was kissing him - he smooched his cheeks, his neck, his shoulders - so is Beau so wrong to think the next step shouldn't be a full-court mount? He's no different from any other guy who takes a girl out on a date, buys her dinner, kisses her at the door, and then throws her down on the front stoop for a public humping. It's pretty standard these days.

Janelle is worried that she is being portrayed on TV as a dumb blonde. I have to admit, Janelle, that not being able to spell "spaghetti" is a bit of a problem. I wouldn't worry too much about it, though. As soon as you're out of there, Michael will wisk you off to Italy and you'll come back knowing how to spell "spaghetti" and "lasagna" and all kinds of pastas.

Or maybe not. Kaysar tells Janelle that Michael lied to her. 
Kaysar: He lives in an apartment and not a condo. And he doesn't drive a Land Rover.
Janelle: No Land Rover?
Kaysar: Nope.
Janelle: But I LOVE a Land Rover...
Kaysar: That's why I thought it best to tell you now, before your hopes got too high.
Janelle: Anything else?
Kaysar: He's not well off at all. He probably can't afford to take you to Greece or to Italy or to any other place where you could pick up a cool accent.
Janelle: Bummer. That really sucks........Hey, Bunny?
Bunny: Right here, Janelle, my belle.

The HGs call it a night. Bunny, however, cannot rest until she makes a call to her local Land Rover dealer, another to a realtor who handles condos on the beach, and another to the members of the Bunny Fun Club to let them know their membership dues will soon suffer a slight increase. Money may not buy me love, but it sure looks like it might get me at least one night of Superworld Superbike Superdyke sex.

Hoppy trails,

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Thursday, July 28, 2005

Cappy Decapitated

(Sung to the tune of "Bye Bye Blackbird")

Packed up all his cares and woe
There he goes, bald head low
Bye - bye - Cap-py
We'll stay up late once again
Sugar's back, after ten
Bye - bye - Cap-py
No one there could love and understand - him
They were too afraid he might backhand - them
He betrayed the Block of Cocks
Now they're giving him the sock 
Cap-py, bye - bye

If the BB house burns down
Just as his bus leaves the town
We'll - blame - Cap-py
If there's meat left out to rot
Or the toilet's full of squat
We'll - blame - Cap-py
He's the one who gave out all the se-crets
Said he didn't care - he had no re-grets
If there's lice in someone's bed
Or molded bread, or James is dead
Cap-py - we'll - blame 

He didn't show a lot of class
When Kayser's Tasers shocked his ass
So - long - Cap-py
But we're proud of him for fighting blazes
And leaving us with some good catch phrases
So - long - Cap-py
"I swear on my children's lives," he kept refrain-ing,
And "Don't piss in my ear and say it's rain-ing!"
He's out tonight because of a con
But he can still get a job with Hans and Frans
Cap-py, so - long!

Tune in to "House Calls" tomorrow to see Gretchen's interview with Cappy!

photo courtesy of Aerojunki of TVCH ("House Calls" can be seen on CBS.com)

Hoppy trails,

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Friday, July 29, 2005

Milton Misses the Mark

I'm still reeling from the Live Show on Thursday night, but not because Eric was evicted. No, I'm vaklempt because Beau threw me for a loop twice in one show. First, someone must have told him it was Easter - why else would a guy wear pants that pink unless he's riding a parade float or applying for work at Baskin-Robbins.?

Second of all, when Julie Chen asked Beau the "fashionista" (and I use that word loosely, due in great part to his misguided use of the color pink) which of the HGs had the best fashion sense, he answered: "Ivette." IVETTE! I-VETTTTE!!!!! Grab that piece of paper and fan me, someone!

I don't want to rag on Ivette for her choice of outfit Thursday night because I know things in Miami are much more casual than most places, and by "casual" I mean mini-skirts so short that we get too much information every time she sits down - but I would have thought any personal shopper worth his salt would have chosen the stylish Janelle, whose only crime so far has been to flaunt last year's boots. Uggs were over before the ink on her BB application was dry. 

At the end of the Live Show, the HGs competed in a game of Bocci Ball, which came down to a showdown between Janelle and Maggie. Maggie won, which wouldn't have happened had Janelle taken off the boots. Those things make your feet sweat all the way up to your knees, and I'm sure that set her off-balance in the competition. Why do you think Maggie took off her argyle socks?

Maggie was happy to win a week in the HOH room, where she can leave poop in the toilet to her heart's content (it was her - have you heard?). She held court right after she was given the key, beginning with Howie and Rachel, to whom she promised immunity from nomination if they would do the same for her in return. After they left, Kaysar had an audience where he explained his decision to evict Eric. James came in next. He tried feverishly to convince Maggie that he shouldn't be her target. "The strongest players are Kaysar and Janelle," he said.

And now on Friday, the HGs, dressed in garb from the '70s, are competing in a Food Challenge. The set-up is a version of the old "Match Game" TV show where players must complete questions by filling in the blank. Those contestants whose answers match get a point. For example, the first question is : Pete is so obsessed with food he tried to tie his shoes with string ____. Rachel guesses cheese. Sarah and Kaysar also say cheese, while Howie and April say beans. 

The second question is: Pete may be obsessed with food, but Howie is obsessed with ________. Two of the HGs answer "boobies," three others answer "panties," so everyone gets points. The next question is: What Ivette wore to the Live Show and what Maggie did in the HOH toilet were both ______. The answer, of course, is "crap," and everyone gets it right except Beau, who thinks the answer is "super fabulous." There is a question somewhere in the middle of the game about Beau's fashion sense and red being the new black, but the question is thrown out when Bunny shouts out, "Pink is the new puke!"

The last question is really tough. It's something along the lines of: James and Sarah were pretending to be asleep the other night but they were really having ____. None of the HGs know the correct response except James and Sarah, who answer that they were having "fun fun fun 'til her daddy took the T-bird away."  The T-bird being a hot rod, of course.

The HGs are successful in winning food for the week and are awarded a bonus prize of the last two digits of the safe combination. Jennifer is first in line to crack the safe, but she is moved out of the way by Janelle. Some people think Janelle wants to turn the lock because she may have had experience with this at Macy's, but I'm guessing she wants to be first to open the safe in case there's a Golden Key in there that can save Michael. She knows it's too late to save him from eviction, but it's never too late to save one from one's self.

But, alas, there's no magic key. The HGs discover that the safe contains a plate of pb&j sandwiches - sandwiches with a twist! One of them contains a free pass from pb&j for the duration of the game. Janelle wins it, and Ivette complains that the pretty girl has won yet another prize. It's true, she did - but unlike Ivette, I don't have a problem with that. My only complaint is that there was no pass in there for Bunny - a pass from Uggs, pink pants, and skirts the size of a napkin. And Howie. There's always a need for a pass from Howie.

Today is Nomination Day, and Maggie calls everyone into the living room to hear her picks. No one is surprised when she nominates James and Kaysar. Darn. I was hoping for at least one crybaby. Instead, all we get is an increase in hair twisting from Kaysar.  The guy is going to be bald before this game is over if he doesn't stop it. Janelle does it, too - she swishes and strokes, he pokes his finger and twirls - all energy that could be used better elsewhere.

After nominations, the HGs, happy to have a wider variety of food again, make a cake to celebrate April's birthday. She's 31 years old today. Well, most of her is 31 - certain body parts are quite a bit younger. Beau makes her an aluminum foil crown. He loves to fashion things out of tin foil: phones, crowns, a ring for Howie. Maybe not the ring just yet, but you know its time will come.

Maggie asks Rachel to come to the HOH room to discuss the Veto competition. She asks her if she plans to play for the Veto for either Kaysar or James. Rachel answers that she will play if asked, but she won't use the Veto if she wins it. "And neither will Howie," she promises. James tells Kaysar that Howie and Rachel are doing everything they can to avoid winning anything. "They don't want any attention drawn to themselves," he says.

James couldn't be more wrong. Just last night, Howie was running around in circles in the backyard, clad only in his skivvies. Maybe he didn't really want the attention, but he sure got mine. And after seeing the look on Beau's face, I'm guessing that tin foil ring will be making an appearance sooner rather than later.

Hoppy trails,