Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Tuesday, August 2, 2005
She Who Spelt It, Dealt It
Over the weekend, the Veto competition was held. Sarah played for James,
Beau played for Maggie, and Janelle played for Kaysar. The contestants
were instructed to throw balls at the knobs of TV sets in order to change
the channels. The first person to reach Channel 5 would win. James and
Sarah collaborated their throws, aiming them at Sarah's TV set only. As
they quickly approached the number 5, Maggie took out a .44 Magnum and
aimed it at Sarah's set, trying to blast the screen a la Elvis. Unfortunately,
since ER nurses are better at giving shots than taking them, she missed
the screen entirely.
Sarah was declared the winner, and during the Veto competition, she
removed James from the path of eviction. HOH Maggie put Janelle on the
block in James' spot. James and Sarah were stressed from the whole ordeal,
but quickly recovered after a long pretend nap.
The most important event of the weekend, though, was Beau's decision
to hide April's cigarettes. April has now confessed to being a real smoker
in the house, although she says she does not smoke at all back in Texas.
So, if I'm to understand this correctly, sometime after she got the key
to the BB house, she opted to begin a new hobby that required filling her
suitcase with several cartons of menthols. Maybe she just wanted to have
something to do with her hands while she was cooped up for three months,
but wouldn't knitting have been cheaper, take up less space, and not stink?
Of course, the effects of nicotine withdrawal are much more fun to watch
than if someone stole her ball of crochet yarn. Someone get the popcorn.
Today is Voting Day and Kaysar knows he is going home. Howie tells Rachel
that Kaysar brought it on himself. "When you go to war, you don't tell
your enemy your location or your next move." Actually, Howie, that's not
why Kaysar is leaving. He's taking a voluntary exit in order to have finger
replacement surgery - it appears that he lost his prized index from one
hair twirl too many. But you're right about spilling his guts about his
strategy. His ego got in the way of playing smart. It's like a man who
brags to the guys in the locker room about scoring with a girl before he
finds out if any of them is her brother. He didn't think it through, and
he's going to end up on the sidewalk not knowing what hit him.
Ivette hasn't been happy about Kaysar's bragging. She has resorted to
Muslim-bashing, and I'm not talking about singing a few verses of "Ahab
the Arab." No, she compared him to Osama Bin Laden, and made reference
to the possibility of his being a suicide bomber. This is not acceptable.
I don't think minorities should have permission to bash other minorities.
They should stick to making fun of their own kind. Cuban lesbians should
bash only Cuban lesbians; only chubby people should be permitted to poke
fun at other fatsos; and albinos should be the only ones pointing out others
with pasty skin.
Take Michael, for instance. He was too tall to be calling Eric a midget.
That was offensive. Had he been the guy who played Mini-Me, it would have
been okay. The part about the small penis is different. Even if you have
a small penis yourself, it's still not right to call out someone else's.
Now if you happen to be comparing notes in the bathroom later and want
to start some kind of Short Shlong club, that's okay. There's no shame
in being a charter....uh, member...as long as you don't shout out on a
reality show that one of your cohorts got the short end of the stick.
Or a short stick in general, I should say.
James asks Rachel if anyone in BB history has been disliked as much
as he is. Sure, there have been plenty of people who were more despised
than you, James. Take the evil Dr. Will from BB2, for example. And there
was the Justin guy with the knife. Many people didn't like a solitary soul
from BB4. And what about Baby Bob? Does he count? NObody liked HIM.
It was too weird the way his mouth was kind of pasted on. I know it was
a different show, but he was still way worse than James.
Of course, Eric from this season didn't have many fans. I miss him though.
I've been staying up much too late since he left, and I think I'm getting
a cavity.
Kaysar tells Janelle he wouldn't date her for three reasons: (1) she's
too flirty, (2) she drinks too much, and (3) he's never seen a woman's
rear end get so wide so fast. Janelle goes outside to pout. As she sits
down in a lawn chair, it collapses. Kaysar tells her he's sorry about what
he said, and that she's really a beautiful person inside and out.
Kaysar, your words are falling on deaf ears. The girl just broke a chair
with her ass weight. No amount of apologies or verses of "You Are So Beautiful"
will help you to redeem yourself.
Maggie has decided to tell everyone that she is a dolphin trainer and
not a nurse. I'm thinking it may be true. Mammalogists have the ability
to decode strange languages, and Maggie does seem to be one of the few
people who can understand Beau.
Maggie says, "James thinks I'm a cop." Apparently he has evidence to
back it up: the way she interrogates people, her position and stance when
she talks to those from whom she wants information, the revolver she had
handy to fire bullets into the TV. I hope it's true, because if it is,
she may be able to arrest Beau the next time he wears those pink pants.
You and I both know if it's not a crime, it ought to be.
Before bed, some of the HGs decide to frolic and flash. Ivette runs
around the house screaming, then stands in front of the camera and lifts
her skirt. Howie gives Beau a peek down his pants. Beau grabs a few curlies
from Howie's shorts and frolics through the house waving them at the girls.
Then Howie drops his pants and moons the other HGs. The sight of a romantic
full moon gets the better of Beau. He approaches Howie and leans over to
kiss him, but jerks back when he realizes Howie hasn't brushed his teeth.
Howie apparently didn't learn his lesson the other day when Jennifer
was ignoring him and he wondered why.
Howie: Sometimes you're lovey-dovey, and other times you push me away.
Jennifer: When someone farts on me, I'm going to move. Sorry.
Howie: So it's a hygiene thing then?
Jennifer: You could say that.
Howie: Don't hate me because I'm gaseous.
April gathers Maggie, Beau, Jennifer, and Ivette in the bathroom of
the HOH room. She relays the details of a conversation with Kaysar. "I
told him that James has been playing both sides. Kaysar and Janelle are
committed to joining with us to get James out of the house. I believe them."
While this group is huddled inside, Kaysar is confirming the same plan
with Janelle and Howie in the yard. Janelle and Howie are both upset that
James hasn't stayed true to their alliance.
Howie takes matters of revenge into his own hands. Or rather, he takes
James' razor into his own hands, heading to the shower where he uses it
to shave his rear end. And need I remind you, this isn't just any rear
end. The smell of unwashed crack permeates every pair of pants it wears.
Howie's is the whiff that keeps on giving.
The absurd behavior this evening doesn't end there. Unfortunately, just
before bed, Janelle's image is further shattered when she rips a stinky.
"I'm sorry," she says, "it's the spaghetti I ate for dinner." So she can't
spell it, but she can fart it? Everyone is shocked, including Bunny. It's
okay, though - it will take more than a big ass and a big ass toot to keep
my love at bay.
Janelle: You'll stay with me through thick and thin, Bunny?
Bunny: It's looking like it will be mostly thick, but yeah.
Janelle: And if I eat spaghetti, you won't leave me?
Bunny: Nope. 'Til death do us fart.
Janelle: I love you, Honey Buns.
Bunny: Awww, Smelly Janelley with the cute jelly belly - right back
atcha.
Hoppy trails,
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Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Wednesday, August 3, 2005
Maggie's Dolphin Trainer Lie Has No "Porpoise"
Rachel, still following Eric's curfew rule, is the first one in bed
every night. It's just as well because she refuses to participate in any
of the infantile behavior - you know, the stuff we love to see. Last night
during the frolic and flash session, she was encouraged to join in but
declined. Instead, she's up early this morning doing dishes and laundry.
Whoopee!
After the others get out of bed, Maggie acts on the idea that she's
really a dolphin trainer . "I don't know why I keep this up," she says,
"I really don't care if anyone believes I'm a nurse or a cop or anything
else." Nevertheless, she begins to communicate in porpoise squeaks. Beau
responds in kind, which is even more difficult to interpret than his usual
mumbling.
Maggie: I love being a dolphin trainer. Squeeeeeak!
Flipper meets Mushmouth: Kesjoibisyg and asliehghigll, okay? Squeeeeeak!
Maggie: Let's put your pink pants on a dolphin. Squeeeeeak!
Everyone is strategizing this morning. Rachel says she wants Janelle
to get the next HOH, but Howie tells her he will fight for it. "We need
to put up one of the couples," he says. Rachel says they need to backdoor
James if one of the nominees gets POV. In another room, April is adamant
that James and Sarah need to be nominated so that one of them goes home.
Ivette disagrees. She wants Howie, Rachel, or Janelle put on the block
instead.
Speaking of Ivette, when is it time to turn in the BB shopping list?
The HGs need to add diapers for a certain someone who, when realizing while
swimming that she needed to urinate, chose to leave the pool and pee in
the backyard rather than go inside to the toilet. No, she wasn't on lockdown.
No, she didn't check to see if either of the bathrooms was unoccupied.
Instead, she squatted down on the astroturf and let piss run down her leg.
Ivette: It was your fault, Bunny. You asked to see some public pees.
Bunny: I was talking about competitions, Ivette. You could have at
least looked for a bucket like Holly did.
April is having a hard time of it today. She is suffering from withdrawal
from her pretend smoking habit. BB won't give her a patch, but perhaps
they could give her a pretend patch because she's very, very cranky. First
she lashes out at Sarah for leaving the door open. Then she confronts Ivette
about her relationship with James.
April: All of us wanted to vote James out, but I saw you jumping for
joy when James and Sarah won the Veto.
Ivette: I, uh, I, uh...
Beau: She skclskoaoigh Janelle. Squeeeeeak!
Ivette: Beau's right. I really wanted to evict Janelle.
Maggie tries to comfort April about her situation.
Maggie: You have a physiological dependency, but you can overpower
it.
April: Smoking is my only vice.
Bunny: Except for vanity, extensive plastic surgery, and vanity.
Maggie: Try chewing crushed ice. It might help alleviate the urge to
smoke.
Bunny: Can't happen. Messes up the mikes.
Maggie: Right. How about hitting the treadmill every time you feel like
a puff?
Bunny: She can't do that either. Won't work in those flip flops she's
glued to.
Maggie: True. Well, then, I think you're screwed, April.
Bunny: Yep. Totally. You might as well start throwing chairs or knifing
somebody or something. Where did I put my popcorn?
Bunny, think before you speak. It looks like there may be trouble. April
heads to the kitchen and takes a big carving knife out of the drawer. She
turns toward the counter where Beau is standing. "WHATTHESJDJSOJ??!!,"
he yells. Alright! It's Justin and Krista Part 2!
False alarm. Turns out he was just mumbling something about a watermelon
they're going to dive into and how April shouldn't use that big knife to
slice it because he prefers his to be scooped out delicately with a melon
baller. She yells back at him, telling him he's messing up everything,
and Bunny warns Beau, "Step away from the addict!"
"And it probably wouldn't be a bad idea to find those cigarettes you
stashed," adds Bunny. "Bribe her with them long enough to get the knife
out of her hand. Things could get messy - and even though red is the new
black, I don't think that applies to blood."
Rachel makes an announcement that she is tired of cleaning up the kitchen
every morning. She wants the others to do their part in keeping the house
tidy. "We'll have ants if we don't keep it clean," she says. I say bring
on the ants. They are the only things that get Rachel to raise her voice
even the slightest. In fact, I would like to take this opportunity to encourage
BB to bring in some spiders, some beetles, some mosquitos, whatever they
can find that might inspire Rachel to show some verve. Anything but butterflies.
Those only worked for Robert.
Ivette discovers that her hairbrush is missing from the bathroom and
begins to rant that Janelle stole it. Beau calms her down when he finds
it in her supply basket. What a shame that just because Janelle has that
little Macy's incident on her record, she's automatically accused of stealing
the lesbian brushes in the house. Why doesn't anyone point at Jennifer?
She was the one that Rachel caught pilfering in the HOH room. And have
you seen the size of her stomach lately? I swear she's swallowing things
from the house in order to smuggle them out for a huge Ebay sale. The only
reason she changed her mind about the brush is because the bristles hurt
too much going down.
I'm just kidding. I don't think Jen's weight gain has anything to do
with memorabilia trafficking. I overheard her admitting to the others that
she has been eating too much lately. Hopefully, she'll hit the BB gym and
lose the pounds before she exits the house; otherwise, the Dallas Desperados
may have to revamp who gets lifted to the top of their pyramid.
Actually, if I were Ivette, I wouldn't have worried too much about Janelle
stealing my brush - I think I would have focused my energies on whether
or not Howie used it on his butt. Not that this should bother Ivette. Sanitation
doesn't seem to be high on her list of priorities. Did I mention she peed
in the yard?
After dinner, Howie, James, and Kaysar are soaking in the hot tub. James
says he's begun to realize that the sexual harassment charges against Michael
were trumped up.
Howie: Did anything ever actually happen?
Kaysar: I think he may have made Sarah feel uncomfortable.
Bunny: Wayward toes have a mind of their own.
James: Well, it was all handled badly.
Maggie carries on with the "I'm a dolphin trainer" bit and tells Howie
to act like a dolphin while Ivette feeds him. He makes noises ("bip bip
bip") which are corrected by Maggie ("squeeeeeeeak") and flops around on
his belly, which seems to be more like a seal than a dolphin, but what
do I know? I'm not the phony pro dolphin trainer - Maggie is. Ivette tells
Howie to clap his fins (again, I'm thinking "seal"). He does so while pogo-jumping
up and down in the water (now I'm thinking "kangaroo"). The best part is
that Sea Hog Howie is performing in his underwear, which is now soaked
all the way through where you can see the part that dolphins and seals
and kangaroos don't have. Maybe kangaroos, but I would have to check some
kind of marsupial anatomy chart or something.
Just for the record, Maggie is NOT a dolphin trainer, nor is she a cop.
I also suspect she's not really a hippy, because hippies don't talk like
she does. They only use words that originated from the warm earth, like
"positive energy" and "let things flow" and "nurture your love." I'm not
sure, but I think phrases like "mother f---er" came out of a dysfunctional
bedroom somewhere and not the vegetable garden of a peaceful commune.
Sarah says she wants a piece of clothing from everyone when they leave.
"Can I have your FBI hat, Kaysar?" He says no, that he's leaving it for
Howie. "I want Janelle's robe when she's gone," she says. Bunny encourages
her to take the Uggs instead. And as for taking something of Ivette's,
please go with whatever it was she peed in.
Actually, Sarah, you can take anything of Ivette's. Anything at all.
Maybe start with the pink shirt and the pink pants she's wearing tonight,
because they are two different shades of pink that clash. I would post
a picture here but I would have to put a warning on it like the one on
the Pepto Bismol bottle. I used to like pink, but after this season, pink
has become the new purple. And everyone knows how I feel about purple.
It belongs only on Prince and maybe Camilla Parker Boyles. From this day
forward, I don't think pink should ever be allowed to leave Miami. Ever
ever ever.
Kaysar and Howie, on the way to bed, notice that the kitchen is a mess.
Kaysar says to leave it until tomorrow, but Howie stops to do a few dishes.
James strategizes with Sarah before calling it a night, telling her he
wants her to win HOH tomorrow. Mags' Fags and the Topple-Tit Twins are
bunked down in the HOH room, resting up for the competition. Bunny takes
a moment to look up the genitalia of a kangaroo before tucking herself
in.
Tomorrow is a big day, with eviction, HOH, and a promised new twist
to be announced on the Live Show. Contrary to popular opinion, the twist
isn't that Bunny is going into the house, but she has high hopes that it
will happen someday. Sooner or later, casting will figure out that BB -
and everything else - is all about the Bunny.
Hoppy trails,
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Bunny's Live Feed Summary for Friday, August 5, 2005
Lovebirds Get Ka-Powie'd by Howie
Thursday was Live Show day, so Rachel went from bed to bed waking up
each HG, instructing them to get up and assist her in cleaning the house.
Most of the day was spent tidying, vacuuming, hosing down ants, and dressing
for the show. Howie decided he would wear his underwear on live TV, but
covered them with shorts at the last minute, knowing the exposure to his
package might be a problem in the HOH challenge. It could certainly go
down in value if it were, say, soaked in a vat of toxic materials and electric
eels. As an upside though, had Amy not worn pants during the BB3 endurance
challenge, she might have been able to open the world's first uterus aquarium.
There has to be money in that.
There were no pink pants in the Live Show wardrobe this time around,
but April was coated in lime sherbet and Sarah tried to bring back tie-dye.
R.I.P Jerry Garcia. Janelle was outfitted like she was on her way to a
cocktail party rather than the living room. Howie is still wearing a ballcap
sideways on his head circa whatever year he was in kindergarten. Oh, by
the way, Sarah? Cinderella's on hold. She wants her plastic-posing-as-glass
slippers back.
Kaysar was evicted by a vote of 7-1, and the HGs went head to head in
the backyard for the week's HOH honor. Howie was the winner. He was excited
to see the goodies in his HOH basket: music, pictures from home, his favorite
snacks - but no one was more excited than Bunny when she spied a box of
Trix among Howie's treats. She knows that rabbit. They go way back.
As far as Trix being Howie's cereal of choice: Trix may be for kids, but
they're also for grownups who dress like them, poop their pants like them,
and who repeat nasty words like "boobie" over and over again like it's
the funniest thing ever.
Howie held court last night in the HOH room, making promises to everyone
that he would nominate James and Sarah for eviction. Today he made good
on his word, a game move that forced Marcellas' Golden Veto moment off
the pages of the BB history book as the dumbest play to ever be made in
the game. We all know that Howie thinks with his penis. This just proved
it.
It's obvious that Howie wants all the women with big boobies to stay
in the house. His plan is to send James home, then Sarah's big boobies
and all her panties can stay with the rest of them. He'll be the only male
left in the house if you don't count Beau - and who does - so who can blame
him for writing his own game obituary? He'll go out with a smile on his
face.
Howie may have forgotten that he will have male company next week, though.
BB announced that the viewers have the power to vote an evicted player
back into the game: Michael, Eric, or Kaysar. This sucks. Who wants Michael
back without Eric, or Eric back without Michael? The best part of the show
so far has been the fight scene between the two of them. (Are you looking
at ME? Don't you f'ing look at me!) Howie's not going to fight anybody
- he has his fake pecs to protect. Beau's not going to get off the bed
or the hammock long enough to take a punch. And James will probably be
gone. Ivette might be enticed to hit Janelle, but all girls ever do is
slap each other. A fight without knuckles is like Howie without pants -
I'm not interested.
Voting for Kaysar to come back into the house is also a waste of time,
since now that Howie has buried the game plan of Side B - leaving Side
A open to a clear shot at the Finish Line - having Kaysar won't really
help their numbers all that much. Besides, I developed a serious hair-twisting
tic after watching him for weeks and I just completed shock therapy to
stop it. I don't want to go down that dark road again.
That leaves Ashlea, but she quit. Who quits? BB gets two billion, five
million applications a year and after you're picked, you quit? Before the
Playboy pictorial is lined up? I don't get it.
Friday morning begins with the weekly Food Competition. The group is
divided into two teams. Dressed in red aprons are Jennifer, Howie, Rachel,
Sarah, and James. In blue are Janelle, Beau, Ivette, April, and Maggie.
The game is called Conveyor Belch. Each team stands behind a conveyor belt
as food placed on it passes by them. BB gives them instructions to eat
as much food as possible off the belt. The leftovers will fall into a bucket
at the end of the line. The team whose bucket of waste weighs less at the
end of the competition wins food for the week. The losing team will have
to subsist on pb&j. This competition is bad news for both Janelle's
rear end and Jennifer's belly, but that's the price you pay for reality
stardom.
The Red Team wins the challenge, which means April doesn't get food.
No cigarettes, no patch, and no licorice sticks to chew on. And no tranquilizer
gun hidden in the closet. You can have "Survivor," you can have "Amazing
Race," - reality TV doesn't get any better than a nicotine addict going
through withdrawals who is deprived of sustenance. As a bonus, I'm putting
someone on Topple Watch. There needs to be a study done on what happens
when weight begins to fall off one's arms and legs while the knockers remain
steadfastly enormous. I feel sure it's the reason why so many surgically-enhanced
anorexics have had broken noses.
After Howie announces his nominations, James and Sarah follow him up
to the HOH room to ask for an explanation of his choices. Howie tells James
that he knew James couldn't be trusted when word got back to him that James
had sworn on a Bible to Ivette that he would nominate Rachel and Howie
if he got HOH. James denies it, and Howie says, "I don't believe anything
you say." Bunny reminds Howie that James was on the block and doing all
he could to save himself, but Howie isn't listening. Which is good because
maybe he didn't hear her say that thing about his pants earlier.
I didn't mean it anyway. Howie looks just fine in pants, out of pants,
in his underwear, out of his underwear. I just don't want to do his laundry.
Need I say more?
Sarah and James hole up in the Gold Room where Sarah can cry and James
can lick his wounds - not lick them the way Michael licked people, but
sort of. James comforts Sarah and reminds her it's just a game and that
he loves her. "I am so hurt," she boohoos. Sarah is a sweetie, I think
- much like Michelle from BB4 - but she is liable to leave this game bitter
and tarnished - much like Michelle from BB4. It makes me feel sad until
I realize that she'd end up that way anyway after living with James for
a few years.
All the other HGs - and I do mean ALL of them - are gathered in the
HOH room, trashing James to each other. James should be proud that, because
of him, the house is united again. Ivette wants Janelle to teach her how
to play chess, Howie wants Maggie to help choose who should go on the block
if James or Sarah gets the POV - they're a regular Brady Bunch, with Rachel
being Alice, of course, and Ivette being the one on the show who didn't
tell anyone he was gay for a long time. And who was the one in "A Very
Brady Christmas" who trapped himself in the wreckage of a construction
site and couldn't get out? That's Howie. He's going to suffer the repercussions
from this game move for years to come. Beau is that little Brady who couldn't
talk plain. Bunny is the one who got to go out with the cute guy from the
Monkees, but that goes without saying.
The HGs end the evening in the backyard painting full-body pinatas to
resemble themselves. BB has provided a Mexican buffet and margaritas for
those who aren't on pb&j. Janelle, with a pb&j pass, is allowed
to drink and subsequently takes her wide-mouthed glass south of the border
a few times too many during the evening. Rachel finally gets everyone to
go to bed since tomorrow is the Veto competition, and Janelle goes reluctantly.
She's escorted by Howie, who thinks he has a chance of scoring. Lucky for
us - more of Howie in his underwear. Did I mention that I won't do his
laundry? And that that includes his sheets?
Hoppy trails,
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