So here they are.  Old ones, young ones, and a couple in between. 

First we have Angie.  She sells drugs.

She's also a beer-chugging champion, smokes like a chimney, and loves to get her freak on for the Florida Gators.  In other words, a real lady.

She's recently divorced and is a sucker for a guy with tattoos.  Hence, let me offer up this lonely guy while his wife is on tour:

Or maybe this one:

Next we have Brian.  He comes from a big Italian family and Mama is numero uno in his life.  Being attached to her hip has its advantages.  She's usually around to comb his hair. 

Left on his own with a brush

Then there's April, proving once again how unfair it is that women can't grow beards.

Just kidding.  A little jut on the end never stopped Reese Witherspoon, Jay Leno, or the Wicked Witch of the East from keeping their chins up. 

April has a twin, which is super cool.  They can sword fight.

Next up is Robert aka "Memphis."  Who hails from Florida.

Which means his name is a fake. He used to hawk fake Nikes on the street.  He's a mixologist, which is a fake way of saying he's a bartender.  He also has an Associate's degree which is half-fake compared to a Bachelor's.  And I'm pretty sure he's got fake boobs under that shirt.

Then there's Michelle, who has a rabbit named Bugs.  Original.

She likes to smoke cigars, and wants an ideal man to come along and sweep her off her feet.  That is, after he sweeps up all the ashes around them.

By the way, I think Michelle has found a sure way to help April with chin diminishment. 

Next is Jerry, the world's oldest living BB fan. And the first HG to run the risk of dying while playing the game. 

That is, if you don't count Jack, whom we almost lost after a nasty spill during the Spin Game in Season 4.

Also in the house is Libra, who was born in August, not October.  I guess she didn't look like a Leo. She's the mother of newborn twins, both named Gemini.

She's worried about trying to find enough time to do her hair in the house, which is perfectly understandable considering that shaping your locks into the perfect pair of parentheses would and should require the utmost attention.

Steven is a rodeo cowboy.  And he's gay, which I always suspected about most rodeo cowboys simply from the way they tend to hold tight to the horn.

Of course, he'll have his work cut out for him if he ever wants to achieve the BB popularity of this guy:

Them is some big boots (and wet pants) to fill.

Next up: Renny.  Chosen for her ability to sprout flowers from a hole in her head.

Then we have Dan.  He's ultra conservative politically and hates liberals, vegans, and tattoos.  However, he loves Cheez-Its and can't get enough of "Karate Kid: Parts I & II."

Dan threatened to leave the country if Hillary Clinton won the Presidency, which would have been good news for the Democrats but bad news for Ralph Macchio and Nabisco.

Keesha is a Hooters girl who considers the company an important part of her life.  She aspires to be a part of management one day and says that "Hooters has, like, prepared me for BB" because of all the crazy people who eat there regularly.

Best way to climb to the top of the corporate ladder:  Advertise that your business is a hangout for the world's Unbalanced.

Contestant Jessie in his BB photo

Contestant Jessie for sale in a window of the Red Light District of Amsterdam

Our resident Bible-thumper this season is Ollie. 

He doesn't think gay people will go to Heaven - bad news for bullrider Steven because those leather chaps tend to chafe like crazy in Hell.

Ollie says he's open to a BB romance and that he likes his women classy - which means he'll be s--- out of luck.

So there you have it:  this year's crop of gerbils.  Soon to appear at a Hooter's near you.

Hoppy trails,